To be offended by colleagues comment re. my figure?

[PeasinPod1]

So last week a group of us went out from work, a woman (around 8 years younger then me who i barely know) is talking about a new fitness craze and discussing it, to me says "its for people like us, with figures like us" I tired to ignore it..push aside as not sure what she meant (we are roughly same size but she has no tone or definition) then she repeated "yes its for people like US...not er...overweight...but you know, not toned either".

Now but of context...I had my DD 1 1/2 yr ago. I put on much too much weight but with so much hard work/diet and regular gym routine I am a bit lighter then before baby and am actually pretty toned!

Recently a lot of friends have given me amazing comments about how well/fit/toned i am looking...so was gutted to hear 1 comment just rocks me back down to earth with a huge bump. I'm sensitive about my looks and a moment like this builds up in my mind and makes me think thats how everyone actually sees me....just average...bleeeuuugh..nothing big or small just nothing special. All my gym work just seems wasted.

I'm fuming at her lopping me in the same bracket as her and daring to pass judgement about someone's figure like this.

[tbtc]

Let's see a photo of you then....and we can judge.

[Theycallmemellowjello]

Peas, I agree the woman was rude and insensitive and it's dangerous to make comments about appearance as you never know about ED type issues. But at the same time, I think you'd probably do better getting to a place where your self esteem doesn't depend on comments, good or bad, from others, and isn't related to how you look, or at least not to others' perception of how you look. The fact is, everyone is 'nothing special' to most people - people just don't give that much head space to others' appearance. I know it can seen a bit woo but I find both cbt and mindfulness stuff helpful in reducing negative thoughts.

[Bettercallsaul1]

Critical remarks about other people's appearance do hurt their feelings. Very few people have a skin like an armadillo.

[MaryBerrysEyelashes]

Op. Raw nerve.

Just move on

[Gottagetmoving]

All the lovely compliments I've had on my figure from friends not seen in a while and had no idea I was working out, just vanish in an instant when you hear just 1 comment like this, which makes me think this is how infact I'm seem by everyone

Why do the positive comments vanish because of ONE comment. One comment that you quite frankly overreacted to. This is about YOU not about what some women said. You can choose to be pole axed by a comment or you can get a grip.

[RedRowanBerries]

I don't even see it as a critical comment tbh.

But obviously I see that the OP does and is hurt and angry.

OP: objectively one passing comment by a new colleague who perhaps was trying to find common ground and knows nothing of your "crazy work" should not be able to counter the many comments of friends who can see the difference in you.

[MrsTedCrilly]

I think people misjudge their figures sometimes, so she probably does think she looks similar to you.. Or she was trying to bring you down a bit. How can she tell if you're toned or not if you're similar sizes? I wouldn't be bothered about the comparison as who knows how she sees herself. Just concentrate on how you feel!

[LiverMummy25]

There are two types of people. Those who care if they offend somebody and those who don't. I care if I hurt someone's feelings provided of course they are not disrespecting me and making a comment on how I could improve my figure is something I find to be offensive just for the fact that they maybe should be first looking at themselves before trying to make a fitness plan for others. Sure I could say to one of my friends 'you are fat and that's that' and they could say something about my appearance. We wouldn't be friends any longer if those types of comments were made.

[Katie2001]

I can see why you'd be annoyed by that, I probably would be too. Mind you, in the last couple of days I've had a friend (aged 72) comment how sad it is about Cilla because 'we grew up with her didn't we?' and a mortgage broker say 'terrible thing getting old isn't it, eh'. I am 47.

[Gottagetmoving]

I care if I offend someone, that is why I would not do so deliberately, however, if someone gets offended by something I say which was not intended to hurt them - Their problem, not mine.

[RedRowanBerries]

Katie I wouldn't see those comments as annoying, just a bit of harmless self delusion on the part of the comment makers! I'm assuming the mortgage broker was significantly older than you.

I do get offended, such as when a guest said they enjoyed an evening at ours "and I didn't expect too.."

[Runningupthathill82]

OP - you really need to get a grip here.
Most people don't examine other people's. bodies to the extreme that you seem to.

For example, there are maybe five or six women in my office who are a similar-ish size to me. I couldn't tell you who was the most "toned", who has the flattest stomach or who hits the weights the most, but I could say we're all roughly a size 8, 10 or 12. And we probably all weigh somewhere between 8 and 11 stone, if I were to hazard a vague guess.

I couldn't be more specific than that because when I look at people I see their faces, what they're wearing, whether they're smiling or not. I listen to what they're saying, I notice if they've had their hair cut. I'll notice generally if they're slim or chubby, but notice if their arms are particularly toned? No. Not unless they're leading my body pump class and I'm impressed because they're lifting 35 kg above their heads with no bother at all.

The colleague obviously views you as being a similar size to her. Whether you are or not, we don't know. But does it really matter?!

[Annapurnacircuit]

I'm still really with Peas on this one. If you've worked really hard to look and feel good in the gym then you really don't want somebody reducing you to their level of not being fit or not having tried to lose baby weight etc.

I would be really miffed too and I don't believe that most people esp women don't care about what others think of their figures/bodies.

It just reduces all you've put into your effort.

[chaiselounger]

But she's not being critical of you. She considers herself roughly the same as you. And it sounds as though she roughly is.
What she is saying is not a put down. It's a sign of camaraderie.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

I get it. It was inappropriate of her. She, a stranger, made a comment about your body that wasn't flattering and she had no right to. The fact that she levelled the same insult/judgement at herself is irrelevant.

It sounds like she feels bad about her body and she wants others to. I'd be pissed off as well. It was intrusive of her.

[RedRowanBerries]

How does saying she is not toned mean she feels bad about her body?

"Reducing you to their level of not being fit" is a horrible judgmental comment. Fitness level / muscle tone does not equate to being morally superior.

Clearly it's best to stick to politics and religion when making small talk!

[ZanyMobster]

I find it odd that people are saying it wasn't an insult, whether it was meant in that way or not doesn't matter, it is still insulting to comment negatively on someones weight.

Unfortunately there are many people who are im denial about what size they are (both ways). I am very sensitive about my weight due to suffering with bulimia as a teenager, I am a size 10 at the most and pretty toned as I exercise lots.

I have had a couple of people comment in the past that they are the same size as me, one was at an event where a friend was giving out cakes, another friend had one, she is a size 10-12, then I said no thanks (it was 930am and I didn't fancy one), another 'friend' who is a size 16-18 said it's a right pain that Zany and I have to watch what we eat unlike skinny minnies like you (to the friend that had a cake). I was and said nothing. The other asked what size an item of clothing was that I had so she could order the same size online. She was at least 2 sizes bigger than me.

At first I was pissed off with the comments but actually I know what size and measurements I am so I know deep down it is those people who have an issue with their size etc but if you do have body issues it can be very hard to be rational about it. It has taken me 17 years to stop dieting and just eat and exercise normally and I am fairly surely it wouldn't take much to knock my confidence really.

[RedRowanBerries]

The comment was about not being toned. But it this accepted now as code for being a bit chubby? Rather like my MiL who insists that the phrase "you look well" means "you have put on weight".

Not every comment is meant to be a negative slur.

[TheSnufflet]

YANBU OP - this was clearly a dig under the guise of 'all us bigger girls have cameraderie, amirite??' - why would she mention it more than once?? Also, if you've been working your arse off to get fit it can be very demoralising to have someone negatively comment... for instance, I was a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding who took an intense interest in the weight of all the bridesmaids. At first I was seen as a liability for being a size 16-18, but come wedding time and back down to a size 10, I caught flack for "...having lost too much weight and looking old in the face" - this was at 25 years old! You can't win with some people I'm afraid...

[PeasinPod1]

Zany and the Snufflet thanks for understanding. Zany I also had something similar- when I met up with baby friends shortly after we had the babies, we are all sat round discussing weight etc. I said how I really needed to shift some weight (to be in context, was "only" a size 12 and am 5"8 so even when I'm bigger than i like, it doesn't look huge but just doesn't suit my shape- i.e. pear!) and another girl then said "yeah me too"- said woman then said "oh Jane YOU don't need to loose the weight".... (as in I did). I knew I did, put to have this spelt out to me in such direct fashion when hugely hormonal just killed me, went home and cried...but was the kick i needed to show her what I can look like when not post baby.

I am overly concerned with my appearance, due to issues in my past as well as now working in the beauty industry. I didn't need someone I barely know to think of the figure I've worked bloody hard for and it seems in the group of slim/athletic as "not errrr...overweight" and blatantly untoned. I realise I might sound vain but its the opposite, I wish I had the thicker skin so many of you seem to have and could just shrug it off.

But I cant. I also think she was completely out of order and had no reason to me lumping me in with the "people like US" comment, then make very specific comments about my body and indicating it was people like us who were in clear need of this latest fitness fad. I work out 3 times a week, mostly with a personal trainer (part of gym), I don't need to take part in this latest craze thankyou! I just wish I'd said something straight back to her, but it was like being kicked in the stomach so i was floored and didn't say a thing.

[cranberryx]

I was guilty of doing this to a colleague once when I felt a bit insecure of myself, she was a fitness buff and did lots of 10k's but wasn't very toned etc due to a love to red wine, rich cheeses and steak. When I said 'women like us' I was actually referring to breast size not to her actual shape!

She replied saying 'well I'm not as big as you!'

I was quite insulted. It's all about how you perceive yourself.
I later found out she weighed 2 stone more than me. (I am vegan but do no exercise, she is the opposite)

[bodenbiscuit]

I do get what you're saying in a way, OP. But not everyone has the same opinion about everyone you know. A lot of people call me stunning. But I had a good friend who felt I'm not and said so!! Haha. I'm sensitive about my looks too, due to having parents who only ever complimented my looks and nothing else!

I think you have to just try and forget about it.

[RedRowanBerries]

OP Enjoy being healthy and in shape.

Give her another chance at least as she may have just been wittering and meaning no harm.