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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be offended by colleagues comment re. my figure?

125 replies

PeasinPod1 · 12/08/2015 09:11

So last week a group of us went out from work, a woman (around 8 years younger then me who i barely know) is talking about a new fitness craze and discussing it, to me says "its for people like us, with figures like us" I tired to ignore it..push aside as not sure what she meant (we are roughly same size but she has no tone or definition) then she repeated "yes its for people like US...not er...overweight...but you know, not toned either".

Now but of context...I had my DD 1 1/2 yr ago. I put on much too much weight but with so much hard work/diet and regular gym routine I am a bit lighter then before baby and am actually pretty toned!

Recently a lot of friends have given me amazing comments about how well/fit/toned i am looking...so was gutted to hear 1 comment just rocks me back down to earth with a huge bump. I'm sensitive about my looks and a moment like this builds up in my mind and makes me think thats how everyone actually sees me....just average...bleeeuuugh..nothing big or small just nothing special. All my gym work just seems wasted.

I'm fuming at her lopping me in the same bracket as her and daring to pass judgement about someone's figure like this.

OP posts:

HuftysTrain · 12/08/2015 11:06

Also, what on earth do you mean by "amazing" comments from friends.

Amazing? Really? You were dumbfounded by them? Slack-jawed? Or do you just mean they said some nice things which flattered your giant ego?

Gottagetmoving · 12/08/2015 11:09

She wasn't passing judgement on you - but you are on her!

The work you have done is not wasted, it will have done you some good. The woman either has the wrong idea of how she looks or you do about how you look.
Does it really matter?

I don't understand why people comment on other people's shape or why they compare themselves with others. We are all different so stop putting yourself under pressure to fit into a certain 'group'

RunnerHasbeen · 12/08/2015 11:14

I would much rather have someone say I was like them (if I was in the same general ball park size wise) than all the ghastly things you have said about her. Honestly, you sound really childish and mean - I don't think you get the moral high ground here.

You need to stop being so judgemental on looks, your own and other people's. It is really a small issue how much tone you might have, most people are not checking out each other's calves when they reach up for something - nobody cares.

Pumpkinpositive · 12/08/2015 11:23

I'm sensitive about my looks and a moment like this builds up in my mind and makes me think thats how everyone actually sees me....just average...bleeeuuugh..nothing big or small just nothing special. All my gym work just seems wasted.

I cannot compute what you mean here. Well, I can. But my mind is saying, "OP can't possibly mean this."

FWIW, I never look at people and think toned v untoned (unless the person is unusually ripped with a huge six pack, which you're unlikely to see under clothes anyway).

I might have a general picture of someone in my mind as heavy/medium build/thin but toned? Not unless I saw them in running gear or a bikini.

I'm fuming at her lopping me in the same bracket as her and daring to pass judgement about someone's figure like this.

This is nasty, particularly since you've said yourself that you two are roughly the same size. You are far more judgement and censorious of her than she is of you.

Babalusca · 12/08/2015 11:24

To those saying it is rude to comment on the OP's body, does that view extend to the compliments she received about her amzing body?

RedDaisyRed · 12/08/2015 11:26

Until you tell us your weight and height we have no idea who is correct. Given 60% of British people are fat there is a good chance both of you are but con yourselves into thinking you aren't.

BerylStreep · 12/08/2015 11:44

Babalusca yes, I think so. I hate people saying to me 'you look great, have you lost weight?' because it is still making my weight central to their conversation, and the implication that it is my defining feature which they are constantly monitoring.

I know someone like this who always asks if I have lost weight. I never have I tend to completely ignore her questions now and pretend I haven't heard, because I simply don't want to get into a discussion at all about it. Interestingly, she had an eating disorder, and I suspect that she monitors and judges everyone by body weight / tone etc.

I am happy for people to tell me I look great, but not for it to be dependant on whether or not I have lost weight.

EponasWildDaughter · 12/08/2015 11:46

I'm sensitive about my looks and a moment like this ... makes me think thats how everyone actually sees me....just average...nothing special.

Perhaps (wait for it) you are just average and nothing special.

Your friends 'amazing comments' about being fit and toned may have been partly about encouraging you to carry on at the gym OP.

The work colleague's view of your bodies being similar may well be an unbiased opinion.

Best to rely on your own honest opinion of your figure, and not other people to make you feel 'special'.

Fireandicicles · 12/08/2015 11:50

Maybe you are part of the us she means. Which is how it sounds to me not having been there.

SoupDragon · 12/08/2015 11:51

Recently a lot of friends have given me amazing comments about how well/fit/toned i am looking

Presumably they all knew you when you were carrying all the excess weight from your pregnancy so, compared to that, their view point is different to someone who is just seeing you now.

Fireandicicles · 12/08/2015 11:54

Sorry just realised you know that, in which case not really sure why you are upset that she thinks you are fit enough to do this class. She probably referred to the not toned to cover herself not being toned etc as opposed to you. Can't really see what there is to be offended about.

Spilose · 12/08/2015 11:57

You're being very hypocritical here OP.

Ev1lEdna · 12/08/2015 11:58

I'm fuming at her lopping me in the same bracket as her and daring to pass judgement about someone's figure like this.

Do you see what you did there?

No sympathy. At.All.

Annapurnacircuit · 12/08/2015 12:00

To all those criticising the OP for her comments about the other lady, they are being made on an anonymous forum not to the persons' face unlike her 'friend' who lumped her into the same size and toned (or not) bracket as her.

I would feel like that too but suspect that she might be jealous of your newly toned figure and wanted to pull you back to where she felt you ought to be or used to be.

Helena the person who made those comments to you and your 'skinny' friend sounds as though she had massive issues with her own weight and it wasn't a reflection on you or your slim friend at all.

HappenstanceMarmite · 12/08/2015 12:01

Recently a lot of friends have given me amazing comments about how well/fit/toned i am looking..

Would those comments have been to self-obsessive, filtered/taken at flattering angles by the needy and vain selfies posted on Facebook perchance?

Annapurnacircuit · 12/08/2015 12:01

Oh and everyone needs a boost about their appearance now and then especially if they have been training or working particularly hard to lose weight, get fit and tone up.

DryShampooIsMyHero · 12/08/2015 12:01

Not sure why you're getting such a hard time, OP. It does sound as though the colleague meant it as a bit of a put down, and it would annoy me too!

My SIL has a habit of lumping me in with her when talking about weight/diet/exercise; she is an unfit size 26 and I'm a size 8 who works out daily and regularly does 10k runs. It's rude of her and I know it is done out of nastiness and jealousy and to try to make me feel crap.

Gottagetmoving · 12/08/2015 12:04

People are SO easily offended. 'People like us' can mean ordinary people as opposed to stick thin models, or can mean women who have had babies, or lots of other things.
That is the problem when you think you are superior to someone else,..If they dare to say 'people like us' it is a shock to your system.
Get over it.

Stopmithering · 12/08/2015 12:05

Perhaps she was looking for a gym buddy?

RedRowanBerries · 12/08/2015 12:06

Why assume it was a put down though?

DryShampooIsMyHero · 12/08/2015 12:08

Of course it was a put down!

She referred to the OP as 'Un-toned'. Which isn't really the nicest thing to say.

pieceofpurplesky · 12/08/2015 12:12

Maybe the OPs colleague is just totally fed up with hearing about the ops need to tone up -op does sound obsessed - so maybe colleague was being helpful thinking op was still not satisfied with her seemingly much better than average physique

DryShampooIsMyHero · 12/08/2015 12:15

I don't think OP has mentioned that she goes on to her colleagues about her exercise routine, has she?

Gottagetmoving · 12/08/2015 12:19

Of course it wasn't a put down! You would have to have low self esteem to think it was.

DryShampooIsMyHero · 12/08/2015 12:22

'un-toned' isn't a nice thing to call someone though is it?

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