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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ordered to leave bf baby and ASC DD

122 replies

AlmondAmy · 11/08/2015 13:49

I have the final contested hearing regarding DD (8) having contact with her abusive father scheduled for Tuesday. I had asked for it to be moved because I also have an exclusively breastfed baby who won't take a bottle and a 3 yo under assessment for ASC and the court is one hour from home so DP would need to come along with the DC as the hearing is 3 hrs long. However, DP is working on Tuesday, as I told the court at our last hearing one month ago when I explained my reasons for requesting it be moved. He has tried to get the day off but his job is quite specialised and the only person who could cover is on annual leave.

I received a letter today saying the court date stands and they won't change it. This means that I can't go and my daughter's (and my) abuser will be granted his requested contact. In order to attend I'd have to leave baby unfed from 8-4 in a nursery sheiisn't familiar with - if they'd even take a baby they can't feed. My 3 yo will not be taken on by any nursery because of her violence so where they expect me to leave her I've no idea - she'd be in total meltdown immediately if not with DP or I.

Surely this is discriminatory, to order that I attend under these circumstances? Or aibu to expect a date change?

OP posts:

HagOtheNorth · 13/08/2015 08:07

' I've never heard of ASC before now either.'

But aren't you a supply teacher?

Catsize · 13/08/2015 08:16

Take the children to visit the court asap, speak to someone in person. I know it is a faff, but you will get a better result than over the phone. Let your ex' solicitor know you are trying to move the date and why. You may find they agree, but that may give them more time to improve their case. What does your partner do? If he was hospitalised, he would have to take the day off, so why not for this?

Catsize · 13/08/2015 08:17

And don't leave the court until you get a decent outcome! Court staff can sometimes be like GP receptionists!!

ProudAS · 13/08/2015 09:40

How did it go OP?

GarminGirl · 13/08/2015 09:47

Op didnt you all suddenly get 'too sick' just before the directions hearing a few months ago and you were on here saying you couldn't all go to court for that either. You do g sound very 'engaged' with the process

UrethraFranklin1 · 13/08/2015 10:04

She doesn't need a specialist nanny, she has a partner who can't be arsed to take the day off!

Mermaidhair · 13/08/2015 10:59

Something isn't quite right with this situation. I think the title of the thread is very telling.

ArendelleQueen · 13/08/2015 11:12

What a difficult situation. :( I feel for you and your DD. I think your partner is the problem in this scenario, not the childcare. He needs to step up and help you protect your poor DD from abuse. I'm surprised that in your reply to this thread, you didn't even seem to acknowledge the option of him pushing harder to get the day off work. You clearly have your hands full and you need to know that your younger DD is having her needs met, so that you can fully engage with the process and support you older child.

Inertia · 13/08/2015 11:29

But if you could hire an emergency nanny to come with you, couldn't he she look after the baby (in a buggy) and the 3yo outside the courtroom, even if it's in a hallway, while you go into the courtroom? You could BF before and after the hearing itself.

If your daughter's father is abusive, then she needs you to stand up for her and protect her. Your circumstances sound horrendous, and you absolutely have my sympathies, but it looks as though this might be one of those times where you (and unfortunately your other children) have to go through an awfully difficult day to try and protect your child in the longer term.

If your DP had been able to take the day off it would have been unpaid so would have cost you money anyway.

Mermaidhair · 13/08/2015 11:52

Op I have read all of your other threads. I think there were 20, I feel like I know you! So far you have been upset you couldn't get a court date soon enough, your whole family were to sick to attend a different court date, you were thinking of giving custody to your exh, you wanted your dp to give up custody of his dc. I am exhausted. And they were just the court/custody posts. I think, and I say this kindly and out of concern, that you should think about counselling for you and maybe couples/family counselling. You have so many issues that you seem to be struggling with. I think it is understandable as you don't have any support. You are overwhelmed. I think you need someone there who can help advise you and work through things with you.

GahBuggerit · 13/08/2015 12:32

Your DP will absolutely be able to take an emergency days leave to deal with this op, every employee has this right and all the employer can do about it is refuse to pay for the day.

This counts as an emergency. www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants/your-rights

GahBuggerit · 13/08/2015 12:39

Ahh just rememered something - no, he'd have to take a weeks parental leave instead which they cant refuse.

Worth losing a weeks pay to keep your child where they would be safer.

FeedYourselfSmiles · 13/08/2015 14:54

OP, I mean this kindly but every court date now you've had some sort of excuse, from sickness to this, and started multiple threads beginning, "...to resent my DP...". I can understand how tough it must be if your DD won't be with your DP but this is serious and you need to attend- unless you don't want to and want the outcome of your non attendance.

AnUtterIdiot · 13/08/2015 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisappointedOne · 13/08/2015 16:02

Ahh just rememered something - no, he'd have to take a weeks parental leave instead which they cant refuse.

Yes they can. Parental leave has to be agreed with the employer.

GarminGirl · 13/08/2015 16:08

Doubt op will be back

GahBuggerit · 13/08/2015 17:18

Actually no, they cant refuse, although he would have to give 21 days notice so my comment was full of shit anyway.

OP its fairly simple (if you are coming back, probs not as some of these suggestions are actually helping ) your DP rings in work on the day of the hearing and says the previous arrangement has fell through - emergency day please thanks very much.

Job done, employer doesnt need to know nothing was ever planned.

LadyLuck81 · 13/08/2015 17:24

You haven't been ordered to do anything. You've been given a court date and by the sounds of it it would be prudent to attend.

GahBuggerit · 13/08/2015 17:25

and before someone screeches they can postpone - they would have to have a damn good business reason to get pissy over just a weeks unpaid leave when they could have granted one days holiday for someone to deal with a childcare issue, and I think any employment lawyer worth their salt will successfully argue that the employer will have acted unreasonably as the worker had no choice but to request the parental leave.

But that being said, I'd still be going for a cheeky call in on the day - sorry Boss, our childcare we had arranged for the day has fell through.

Catsize · 16/08/2015 20:04

anutteridiot, I know, but time is somewhat of the essence and she wasn't getting far by phone. You'll see from my other post that I said she would need to let the other side know.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 16/08/2015 20:23

In the nicest possible way, OP, your reasons to get such a vital hearing moved aren't good enough.

The court will consider the hearing far more vital than childcare problems, as should you, to be honest. You can go and you must go.

It won't be easy, but there's always ushers around who are used to helping with all kinds of situations.

Take the children. I've got 3 young ones including a bf baby, I know what it's like. But you haveto do it.

softhedgehog · 09/09/2015 09:53

What happened OP?

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