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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ordered to leave bf baby and ASC DD

122 replies

AlmondAmy · 11/08/2015 13:49

I have the final contested hearing regarding DD (8) having contact with her abusive father scheduled for Tuesday. I had asked for it to be moved because I also have an exclusively breastfed baby who won't take a bottle and a 3 yo under assessment for ASC and the court is one hour from home so DP would need to come along with the DC as the hearing is 3 hrs long. However, DP is working on Tuesday, as I told the court at our last hearing one month ago when I explained my reasons for requesting it be moved. He has tried to get the day off but his job is quite specialised and the only person who could cover is on annual leave.

I received a letter today saying the court date stands and they won't change it. This means that I can't go and my daughter's (and my) abuser will be granted his requested contact. In order to attend I'd have to leave baby unfed from 8-4 in a nursery sheiisn't familiar with - if they'd even take a baby they can't feed. My 3 yo will not be taken on by any nursery because of her violence so where they expect me to leave her I've no idea - she'd be in total meltdown immediately if not with DP or I.

Surely this is discriminatory, to order that I attend under these circumstances? Or aibu to expect a date change?

OP posts:
Hissy · 11/08/2015 18:09

If op has requested a rescheduling and had it refused, then the court will have to see what the consequences are of its decision. They'll have to ajourn.

Op, do you have legal representation?

RebootYourEngine · 11/08/2015 18:21

If DD was sat next to you in court would she sit nicely?

Do you have a solicitor who could let you know when your case is being called so that you could take dd for a walk or somewhere in the court to play and relax. So that she isnt being made to sit still in the courtroom for what could be hours.

Amummyatlast · 11/08/2015 18:29

DP has the legal right to take one days emergency parental leave.

No he doesn't. It's known about in advance, so it's not an emergency.

Take the baby and get DP to take parental leave. His company cannot deny him that.

You have to give 21 days notice of parental leave and, even then, it can be postponed for business reasons.

pinkyredrose · 11/08/2015 18:40

Throw money at the situation and hire a nanny. You'll have to. You've had a month to sort this out, whining about it will get you nowhere in court. You're children will absolutely not be allowed in court for all sorts of very good reasons and if you're unable to arrange childcare for just one day it won't go down well in court plus your ex msy well use it as a reason to show that you're not coping.

One days massive hassle versus permanent contact with an abusive man. Your call.

Murfles · 11/08/2015 18:49

You've had a month to sort out childcare to attend a final contested hearing. I'd personally have found a childcare solution long before now. If your attempting to postpone a final hearing it could be viewed that your being obstructive to the case being heard, especially when you've known for a month in advance. It's your decision OP but if I was in your position I'd be moving hell to attend.

pretend · 11/08/2015 18:50

Agree with Murfles.

It looks obstructive.

I don't believe that there's literally no one you can ask.

Duckdeamon · 11/08/2015 19:02

No point taking it as far as court then giving in if you still think that would be bad for DD.

Agree with PPs that the best solution would be for DP to take the day off work, even as unauthorised absence if necessary, to come with you to care for the DC, and for him to deal with the consequences at work. His employer would be unreasonable to discipline him.

DesertIslander · 11/08/2015 19:11

What's ASC?

I honestly think you must go. You and your children could face years of upset if you don't. I understand that your 3yo will struggle but you need to find a solution. As previous posters have suggested they are:
A) your DP takes leave/calls in sick
B) you take them with you and take another adult to watch them
C) you take them and they sit in the room
D) you hire childcare

Surely you can't seriously be considering not going? Sounds really tough but it will be over soon.

Bellemere · 11/08/2015 19:11

Are you represented? I think your solicitor/barrister can attend in your place. Seriously though, the court has been clear and with an abusive ex there's no way I wouldn't attend.

DisappointedOne · 11/08/2015 19:19

"DP has the legal right to take one days emergency parental leave.

No he doesn't. It's known about in advance, so it's not an emergency.

Take the baby and get DP to take parental leave. His company cannot deny him that.

You have to give 21 days notice of parental leave and, even then, it can be postponed for business reasons."

It's also unpaid and in full weeks.

youarekiddingme · 11/08/2015 19:26

ASC is autistic spectrum condition. All Autistic spectrum disorders including Asperger's, ASD and autism come under the one diagnosis now.

I have taken parental leave for my DS with less than 21 days notice. (It's for disability) That is the statutory condition of request but companies can use their discretion to allow it with shorter notice as they can to postpone it due to company needs. It's at employers discretion.

That sounds extremely tough OP. i understand exactly why you don't want to leave your 3yo but someone qualified would be best carer in this situation. Could they take the LO to a nearby park? Walk them around in a pushchair? Could you use someone who could come and get to know them beforehand? I also think you'll have to take breaks to feed baby. They can't deny a child food - the irony of that during a case for abuse is not worth the risk!

youarekiddingme · 11/08/2015 19:27

And parental leave for disabled dependents can be taken as just a day. The child has to be receiving dla for that. It is still unpaid though.

giraffesCantBrushTheirTeeth · 11/08/2015 19:28

Can he even have parental leave as they are not his children? (Unless baby is his?)

If you can afford to then agree with hiring someone to go with you if no one else can come. Might be hell but better than long term alternative

NeedsAsockamnesty · 11/08/2015 19:31

And parental leave for disabled dependents can be taken as just a day. The child has to be receiving dla for that. It is still unpaid though

No they don't they just have to have proof of the additional need, many children going through the assesment process would have this because of the various teams involved.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 11/08/2015 19:33

Agree with the others, take someone with you, along with the baby. In the meantime, try to get the baby used to cup feeding.

If you don't go. You must write to the court stating clearly why you are not attending and what you would like to happen at the hearing.

GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 11/08/2015 19:34

Not sure what DPs job is but as the wife of someone who has just had to wait 3 weeks for a biopsy because there were only 2 people in the hospital who could do the required procedure and they were both allowed to go on leave together I would suggest that there may be some situations where someone definitely and legitimately can't and shouldn't take leave.

I understand that it is a challenging situation but I would suggest that you write back and explain that you will be attending with both children, that you will need to bring them into the court room as they can't be left, and explain in detail why. I would also ask to give evidence from behind a screen or in a separate room because of having the children with me. They will have the choice of accommodating this or adjourning the hearing.

BarbarianMum · 11/08/2015 19:36

Your dp will need to take emergency parental leave, because it is an emergency right? Your baby will be upset at being left with a bottle they don't want but will also survive. I was carted off to hospital with salmonella when ds1 was a small ebf baby and he and my mum just had to cope (dh was away with work and had to drop everything and fly home).

Charis1 · 11/08/2015 19:36

3 yo would be smashing head against the wall, punching, vomiting etc if left with a stranger I think you'll just have to let him. Maybe he'll surprise you.

youarekiddingme · 11/08/2015 19:39

I do apologise. please ignore my information above. A quick check on gov.uk website shows me the rules re parental leave have changed. It used to be for children under 5 or up to 18 if they received dla. It has changed.
I'm embarrassed I didn't know this having a disabled child Blush

MadamArcatiAgain · 11/08/2015 19:40

I think your DP needs to man up and put you and your Dc in front of his work.If one of the DC are ill then he will have to take the day off won't he.

pretend · 11/08/2015 19:40

Agreed, you manage because you have to. Single parents don't have a DP to rely on but they are expected to attend divorce hearings etc without the kids.

You've had a month to work this one out but you don't seem to have done much.

DesertIslander · 11/08/2015 19:41

Thanks Areyoukiddingme, I've never heard it referred to as ASC and I work in SEN. Smile Must be regional ....

youarekiddingme · 11/08/2015 19:42

It's what is used when assessed under DSM-V. If using the ICd-10 diagnostic criteria it still diagnoses under Asperger's etc. it is PCt specific and not helpful to be done this way!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 11/08/2015 19:43

Most experanced child care providers will be able to cope with a bottle refuser there are many options they can use even drop feeding and using a spoon.

As long as they know. Many will also be compleatly competent at dealing with a small child with ASC.

There are also rather a lot of nurseries who specialise in disabilities and won't always insist on the child having a permanNt place

It's also quite possible to get an emergency nanny who has relevant experance.

You have a lot of time to plan for this and I'm not sure I would be very comfortable with an ex of mine knowing that I couldn't cope with finding a few hours childcare with loads of notice for something shockingly important.

And yes I do have children with autism and yes I do use childcare

Allthebubbles · 11/08/2015 19:58

I would contact the local branch of the National Autistic society and ask if they can recommend anyone who would be able to look after your three year old.
I know the behaviour is daunting but someone who is used to children with this profile will be able to handle it and work with your child. It might not be ideal but it would be possible.