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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ordered to leave bf baby and ASC DD

122 replies

AlmondAmy · 11/08/2015 13:49

I have the final contested hearing regarding DD (8) having contact with her abusive father scheduled for Tuesday. I had asked for it to be moved because I also have an exclusively breastfed baby who won't take a bottle and a 3 yo under assessment for ASC and the court is one hour from home so DP would need to come along with the DC as the hearing is 3 hrs long. However, DP is working on Tuesday, as I told the court at our last hearing one month ago when I explained my reasons for requesting it be moved. He has tried to get the day off but his job is quite specialised and the only person who could cover is on annual leave.

I received a letter today saying the court date stands and they won't change it. This means that I can't go and my daughter's (and my) abuser will be granted his requested contact. In order to attend I'd have to leave baby unfed from 8-4 in a nursery sheiisn't familiar with - if they'd even take a baby they can't feed. My 3 yo will not be taken on by any nursery because of her violence so where they expect me to leave her I've no idea - she'd be in total meltdown immediately if not with DP or I.

Surely this is discriminatory, to order that I attend under these circumstances? Or aibu to expect a date change?

OP posts:
pretend · 11/08/2015 20:00

Given that OP only posted twice and hasn't been on for 7 hours, I don't think she's too bothered...

TenForward82 · 11/08/2015 20:02

Or she's busy trying to arrange childcare ...

pretend · 11/08/2015 20:03

Well she could do worse than to check in and have a look at the recommendations on here...

Well, good luck to her. Hope it gets sorted.

TenForward82 · 11/08/2015 20:04

Or maybe she's arranged childcare and is just letting us all witter on to each other Wink

pretend · 11/08/2015 20:06

Well that's MN for you!

Op: should I do X or Y?

Poster 1: X

Poster 2: Y

Poster 1: X you fucker!

Poster 2: Obviously Y!

OP buggers off to do Z
MN debate the relative merits of X and Y for a further fortnight.

TenForward82 · 11/08/2015 20:10

Yep, got it in one!

DisappointedOne · 11/08/2015 20:13

Your dp will need to take emergency parental leave

It's not an emergency with a month/week's notice.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 11/08/2015 20:18

It would be an emergency if she had childcare sorted amd it fell through tho Wink

GarminGirl · 11/08/2015 20:18

The family courts are conducted in the jurisdiction of where the child lives I thought? So why is it an hour away?

Original poster
AlmondAmy · 12/08/2015 22:56

We live in the country Garmin, the city and court is an hour away.

When I mentioned at the last hearing that DP was working and the only person who could care for the children but would try his best to get a day off, they made it sound like they'd postpone if I couldn't make it. I notified them two days later that I definitely couldn't make it yet they left it until a week before to refuse.

Those saying 'you must know someone to give up their day to sit with the DC' - I really don't. I have no one. The only option is paying two separate nannies (because baby wouldn't be safe with sibling) which I just can't afford. I don't think they'd be allowed in the court room but even if they were, DD has only ever seen him when he's being abusive and aggressive to me so it'd set her off immediately.

OP posts:
UrethraFranklin1 · 12/08/2015 22:58

No, your option is that your DP takes the day off, end of story. Why are you making out you have no options?

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 12/08/2015 23:02

Hire one nanny and keep the baby with you in a along.

AlpacaMyBags · 12/08/2015 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Samcro · 12/08/2015 23:07

your DH/DP takes the day off
no job is worth more that your child surely

Lictionary · 12/08/2015 23:07

Have you looked at a nanny option?

Even looked? You must be in x place. Your husband cannot help. Can you drive to make it a shorter day? Contact your health visitor or Surestart. Make sure you impress on them the urgency.

Because you must be in court on that date.

Lictionary · 12/08/2015 23:10

Plus my 3 yo had some pretty spectacular behavioural issues and the nursery we found for her was mainstream, got a FT 1-2-1 for her sessions and she absolutely thrived. Despite her lack of speech, not toilet trained, volatile rages and epilepsy, they were great. Homestart also good longer term to just have another pair of hands around

Icimoi · 12/08/2015 23:11

If you had to take the children to court I don't think they'd have much choice but to let them in, unless they want to arrange an usher to look after them. You could explain very nicely that it was totally impossible to arrange anything else. I know it would be difficult for your DD, but actually, if seeing her father sets her off, that would probably help your case in a big way.

BUT the court is really going to want to know why your DP couldn't take time off for something as important as this.

AnUtterIdiot · 12/08/2015 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnUtterIdiot · 12/08/2015 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabulousFudge · 12/08/2015 23:24

I've never heard of ASC before now either.

BoysiesBack · 12/08/2015 23:34

That does sound really difficult, OP.

I agree, you really do need to be there but know how hard it is.

Those saying 'you must have someone who can babysit' or 'hire a nanny' etc really don't have a clue. I have a DS with very severe LD & behavioural issues and no family support. Even if I could afford childcare for him, there wouldn't be anything remotely suitable in my county. Provision is really, really shit in some areas, I can't remember the last time I had some time out.

ProudAS · 13/08/2015 06:40

ASC= autistic spectrum condition Fudge

32percentcharged · 13/08/2015 07:05

What arrangements did you have in place when you gave birth 3 months ago? I imagine that was a more unpredictable, lengthy and potentially very stressful situation for the 3 year old who can't be left with anyone other than you or your partner. Can you replicate whatever arrangement you used then?

Given the level of care you describe your dd needing she surely qualifies
For DLA? Why not use that to hire a specialist nanny for the day? That is precisely the type of scenario the money is intended for. If you've never applied for DLA then why on earth not with a child who seemingly needs 24 hour care.
If all else fails your partner will have to put the needs of your family first and take the day off. You've had
Advance notice of the date. The court cannot be expected to change the date or accommodate everyones childcare needs

I appreciate it's tough when you have no relatives or people able to help ( same here) but you just have to find a solution.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 13/08/2015 07:42

I had to go to court with an 8 day old. They wouldn't move it. I took a friend to hold DC. It was hell on wheels. But you must go. Flowers

32percentcharged · 13/08/2015 07:59

Looking back I'm not sure whether You said the baby was 3 months or if I imagined that! If it's a little older, it's probably worth trying to get the baby happy with drinking ebm from a sippy cup. Lots of babies who won't take a bottle can drink from
A cup at a few months old, or even off a spoon.
It may not be in time for the court hearing but it would be helpful to not be restricted so much.
I had an exclusively bf baby and had to return to work when she was 12 weeks (this was some time ago when that was maximum ML) and I just had to get her used to drinking milk from a bottle or cup as she had to be left with a childminder for up to 9 hours. I appreciate these things can seem daunting but when needs must, you need to be find a solution
At least your situation is just one day, not the pressure of having to find and pay for ongoing care