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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ordered to leave bf baby and ASC DD

122 replies

AlmondAmy · 11/08/2015 13:49

I have the final contested hearing regarding DD (8) having contact with her abusive father scheduled for Tuesday. I had asked for it to be moved because I also have an exclusively breastfed baby who won't take a bottle and a 3 yo under assessment for ASC and the court is one hour from home so DP would need to come along with the DC as the hearing is 3 hrs long. However, DP is working on Tuesday, as I told the court at our last hearing one month ago when I explained my reasons for requesting it be moved. He has tried to get the day off but his job is quite specialised and the only person who could cover is on annual leave.

I received a letter today saying the court date stands and they won't change it. This means that I can't go and my daughter's (and my) abuser will be granted his requested contact. In order to attend I'd have to leave baby unfed from 8-4 in a nursery sheiisn't familiar with - if they'd even take a baby they can't feed. My 3 yo will not be taken on by any nursery because of her violence so where they expect me to leave her I've no idea - she'd be in total meltdown immediately if not with DP or I.

Surely this is discriminatory, to order that I attend under these circumstances? Or aibu to expect a date change?

OP posts:

GraysAnalogy · 11/08/2015 14:25

Then your DP is going to have to have it off. No matter how specialised his job is, if he needs a day off he needs a day off.

It's a tough situation for you, I do really think you need to try and introduce other people into your 3 year olds life though, people who have training to be able to understand and deal with her behaviours. For all your sakes, in case (god forbid) both you and your DP can't be there.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/08/2015 14:26

To say what? I've said she has to go, and she has to take the children with her and if all else fails, they'll have to go into the courtroom with her - where have I suggested she doesn't "play along"?

trufflesnout · 11/08/2015 14:27

So your children either have the option of being left without you for a day or being guaranteed to have to maintain contact with their abusive father?

I would get DP to take emergency parental leave or hire a nanny to accompany you/the kids for the day. There is no way I would not attend.

zzzzz · 11/08/2015 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CruCru · 11/08/2015 14:29

Gosh, that does sound hard.

Realistically, your 3 year old will have a meltdown for an hour or so but this is short term pain compared to the alternative.

maybebabybee · 11/08/2015 14:30

Can you not take 3yo into the room with you? It's not ideal I know but needs must. You really can't miss the hearing.

Failing that, can your DP not explain to work what he needs to miss a day for? Most workplaces would be understanding about something like this.

littlejohnnydory · 11/08/2015 14:30

You absolutely have to attend this no matter what it takes. I still don't understand why you can't take the children with you? Your dp will just have to take the day off if not, you can't just not go!

littlejohnnydory · 11/08/2015 14:32

People saying "you must have someone to look after them" and "hire a nanny" are living in another universe!

Epilepsyhelp · 11/08/2015 14:33

Turn up with both of them and take them into court. You will be given an opportunity to explain to the Judge. You haven't been ordered to leave your children, you have been ordered to attend.

Court dates are not altered except in severe circumstances because otherwise it would be open to too much abuse.

UrethraFranklin1 · 11/08/2015 14:35

Your DP can ring in sick if necessary. Surely the court case is more important to you both than your day in work?
No, its not discrimination. Courts can't be run around your childcare/days in work.

Thancred · 11/08/2015 14:38

How is saying hire a nanny living in another universe? Admittedly I'm a childminder and not a nanny but there are childcare staff who take on short notice, one off jobs if they have the vacancies to be able to do. I've had enquiries from people wanting one-off childcare while they're at a job interview. A childminder usually charges £3-£5 an hour, depending on the area, so three hours of care for the 3yo at say £4 an hour would only be £12. It's not unrealistic

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 11/08/2015 14:40

Court staff will not look after your children, but that wouldn't be an option anyway. I'd turn up with them.

saoirse31 · 11/08/2015 14:41

Surely you just will have to go with children. You can't expect court to take everyone's childcare into account. Presumably you can bring them by yourself?

tiggytape · 11/08/2015 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheClacksAreDown · 11/08/2015 14:42

You're going to have to find a way to attend for the sake of your eldest, you really do.

It would seem to me that if DP is really really not an option then you need to work out what is the least worst way to achieve this - seems to me that either (a) you bring in a nanny, friend or relative to stay at home with them so they have home comforts but that would be a longer period or (b) someone comes with you and minds the children for the time you are in court which surely can't be that long, can it, or (c) bring the children into court? I'd try and arrange C with the court or failing that B and do whatever can be done to minimise the upset. For example would your 3 year old be distracted for a while by being able to watch programs on a tablet or play games on it, perhaps with headphones on? In this case a short period of upset for your younger children has to be outweighed by the needs of the eldest if her father really is that bad.

whois · 11/08/2015 14:45

You have to go.

Has DP really, really, really pushed with work and explained the situation?

Take the baby with you, that's easy, in a sling.

Autistic 3 year old is much harder, but seriously, one day of meltdown, distress and awfulness with her left in the care of a qualified professional - or contact with an abisive man? Come on, in the long run one day is nothing.

There must be nannies or childminders who can look after a difficult child with additional needs - get in touch now.

The court date was never going to change for you. Your solicited should have advised you on that.

TenForward82 · 11/08/2015 14:46

Sorry thumb, misunderstood - I thought you were saying just don't turn up.

StealthPolarBear · 11/08/2015 14:47

Is there anything that your 3yo would get engrossed in for an hour at a time? Dvd on portable player?
Does she not go to nursery?

TenForward82 · 11/08/2015 14:49

If she's violent and can't leave the OP or DP, I doubt she goes to nursery.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/08/2015 14:54

Here OP - try these people www.snapchildcare.co.uk/ and see if they can get someone to come along to the court with you if your DP really can't just bunk off for the day.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/08/2015 14:54

Can you talk to SS about emergency respite? No idea if they would do it but turn up there, don't call and tell them what your choices currently are.

I see no issue with the BF baby being there, only the 3 yr old.

pretend · 11/08/2015 14:57

I can see why the court can't rearrange their schedule because of your childcare arrangements. If they did that for everyone it would be chaos.

Why can't you take a friend or relative with you to look after the kids? Surely your DH isn't your only possible babysitter?

ARealPipperoo · 11/08/2015 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 11/08/2015 15:56

You are going to have to go. You are going to have to have your children with you at all times, and the court will have to see the situation you are facing.

I agree that Dp needs to take emergency leave, and it probably will have to be unpaid, this is not a lame or fake excuse for him to bunk off, And actually calling it bunking off is wholly wrong. You need him, your children need you to protect them.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I hope you can get this sorted.

Don't let that bastard win. Protect your babies ((hug))

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 11/08/2015 17:50

I don't think children unless they are witnesses are even allowed in the court room, especially family courts as these courts are closed.

Your dp needs to take the day off and come to the court with you.

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