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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my kids home (bizarre situation)

351 replies

BaleandWhale · 10/08/2015 13:57

DC were at their dads. Due home at 5pm today.

I was in town doing some shopping and heard a kid crying from the other side of the shop which sounded like DD. Went to look and found all three DC with a woman I've never seen before dragging DD by her hand out of the shop Hmm

Obviously I stopped her and said WTF are you doing and who the hell are you.

Turns out she is the best mate of ex's girlfriend. Ex had to work so left kids with his partner. Partner decided to take them to town with her mate. Partner then went to get her hair blow dried at one of those pop up blow dry places and left DC with her mate. Youngest DC (5) was upset and refused to leave the shop. Big department store so she had managed to get her three floors down during the tantrum.

DD asked to come home with me and then the other two said they wanted to as well. The woman starts saying I couldn't take them as she didn't know who I was. Oldest is 11 and clearly saying that's my mum!

Anyway I took them as they are due home soon anyway.

EX has just phoned and gone ballistic that I had no right to take them and partner is frantic about it.

AIBU to take them home with me?

OP posts:
Pico2 · 10/08/2015 19:52

Yanbu. I think that some parents have arrangements that where the parent responsible for the children that day is unavailable, then the other parent gets first refusal on having the children. Would you prefer to do that? Obviously if your ex is at work on his day and you are offered the DC back but aren't available it would be his responsibility to sort out childcare.

NickiFury · 10/08/2015 20:00

No it doesn't. Friend can tell the girlfriend, it's not like girlfriend wasn't going to be immediately informed.

thebear1 · 10/08/2015 20:10

I probably would have in the heat of the moment made the same decision but would have informed ex or ex's gf.

SuburbanRhonda · 10/08/2015 20:13

Surely when the friend went to meet the gf at the blow-dry place, gf would have said "Where are the kids?" and an explanation would have ensued?

Hmm
SirVixofVixHall · 10/08/2015 20:16

YANBU. The children's father doesn't know this person, and the custody arrangements are between parents. The partner is out of order leaving the dcs with someone that neither parent knows. And I can't imagine that there are many parents who, on seeing their small hysterical child being taken somewhere by a complete stranger wouldn't step in and take the children themselves. It also was out of your hands op, anyway, as your dcs wanted to be with you and not the stranger, are you really supposed to have left a crying five year old with someone neither you nor they know well, if at all?

Original poster
BaleandWhale · 10/08/2015 20:29

I asked DC afterwards and they said they have met her before at a BBQ. I didn't know that ex didn't have them and was at work.

Not sure why I would be lying about having a low battery, it would have been easier to call ex then and there and say I was taking them home with me. But half a conversation and then my phone being switched off would have been worse.

It was quite obvious I wasn't a kidnapper, DD ran over shouting mummy and older DD told mate I was her mum. I said to mate where's ex and she said "Jane" (not her real name) had them but was getting her hair done upstairs. I asked what was wrong with DD and she said oh she doesn't want to leave the shop we're going to meet Jane there afterwards. At that point I said well DD seems quite upset and DD was shouting she wanted to go with me so I said oh I'll take them with me tell Jane I've got them and I'll call ex to tell him.

Sorry for garbled typing!

OP posts:
NickiFury · 10/08/2015 20:29

You didn't do anything wrong OP.

ArmfulOfRoses · 10/08/2015 20:32

But what was your ex told happened?

Original poster
BaleandWhale · 10/08/2015 20:42

I don't know what he was told

He phoned me before I even got to the car shouting why the fuck have you got the kids, they were fine with Jane. I said well actually DD was having a tantrum and they weren't with Jane they were with some woman (DD then told me her name). He said it's not the point she was having a tantrum, if you hadn't come along she would have been fine, you had no right to take them, Jane is worried sick and looking for you she had to leave half way through getting her hair done. I hung up as he was shouting at me and DD was still crying. Got home to a string of texts and have just ignored as I'm not interested in getting into a row about it.

OP posts:
clam · 10/08/2015 20:49

He's pissed off that you "undermined" his girlfriend? Fuck that! There's no WAY I would have left my kids in that situation (and I'm in no way a fussy precious mum).

(AIBU to think it quite Grin that 'Jane' had to leave the salon mid-blowdry?)

Itsmine · 10/08/2015 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finallyonboard · 10/08/2015 20:50

I would be livid if I was you.

NickiFury · 10/08/2015 20:57

She told the person that Exes GF deemed responsible enough to be in charge of three kids she hardly knows, the person whose charge they had been passed to. Not sure why OP is expected to keep everyone else informed about what's going on but no one has to inform her.

youarekiddingme · 10/08/2015 20:58

Well I guess if next time your DD has a tantrum and is with one of your friends that your ex hasn't met and he takes them home to his you fully understand then it's fair game.

I understand why you took them home to some extent but just find the whole NRP having to justify everything when the RP who probably has child most of time doesn't wrong.

Fwiw it's worth I am the RP in a split family. My DS was left with XP (now wife, the. gf) friend whilst she picked him up from work as the weather was horrendous and DS was asleep in bed. Seemed best all round and I could see she had DS best interests at heart.
In fact due to weather I'd left home early to collect DS from them and she got caught in traffic and got home late. First thing she did when came in was apologise for leaving him with someone I didn't know. I just said I was more concerned shed not mention it (hide it) than her doing it as her friends would be part of DS life and she clearly cared about him.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 10/08/2015 21:02

You did nothing wrong, unless of course Ex's DP's mate's access to your DC is court ordered Hmm

You don't stop being a mother just because the DC are visiting your ex. I would not leave my DC with a stranger, especially if they were unhappy.

The fact that he palmed them off on his DP, who palmed them off on a friend means he has no right to have a go at you. Presumably access if for your DC's benefit, to see their father, not so they can spend time with his DP and some random woman.

goldlion · 10/08/2015 21:03

Totally yanbu.

I can't imagine not doing exactly what you did.

Poor dcs :(

CustardLover · 10/08/2015 21:05

I would have done just the same, YADNBU

Icimoi · 10/08/2015 21:07

ItsMine, I think the dps of NRPs do have a duty to run their contacts past the NRP if they are planning to leave said partner's dc with them.

Itsmine · 10/08/2015 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knittingbat · 10/08/2015 21:21

I cannot believe that so many people have been so 'but how must the GF have FELT?!' Do none of you remember what it was like to be five? How you were having tantrums because you felt overwhelmed? How enormous department stores were? How long twenty minutes was? I do, and if I had been having a tearful meltdown with some stranger, my mother had then materialised, looked at me, said 'Oh dear. Well, anyway, have a nice afternoon with this strange lady, children, it is after all your father's mandated care time,' then WALKED AWAY, I would have been completely traumatised. And I am from separated parents, so can only too clearly imagine. What works for you as a child when your parents are no longer together is knowing that no matter what, when or where, your parents have your back first and foremost. OP 100% did the right thing, apart from maybe not phoning the dad quickly enough.

paulapompom · 10/08/2015 21:22

I do wonder what people would say ifa dm left dcs with her male dp, who then left them with a male friend ? Just a thought.

Imho op YaNbu, also wouldn't have been such a fuss if gf had just answered her phone.

NickiFury · 10/08/2015 21:24

Yes I couldn't agree more with your post Knitting loads of people focussing on what OP did wrong in fact on what all the grown adults may or may not have done wrong but very little said about the actual distressed child/children involved.

youarekiddingme · 10/08/2015 21:33

It's not focussing on what the OP did wrong. It's the fact the OP just took children when she could have sorted it there and then. And is saying the father can't make decisions about who his children are left with.

What's getting on my tits this thread is that in the situation where the father cancels contact due to work the father is always wrong and should arrange contact.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 10/08/2015 21:36

Your saying that the same people who've posted on this thread have previously said that fathers are always wrong?

There seems a lot of misconception about how Mumsnet works tonight. Odd.

NickiFury · 10/08/2015 21:40

She did sort it out there and then. The situation they were in wasn't working so she removed her children from it. She told the person left in charge what was happening! she didn't need to do anything else. This would only be wrong if she'd taken the kids without the person left in charge being aware of it.

And yes if my children were unhappy with some random my boyfriend had decided to leave them with I would expect my children's father to remove them! because he is their parent and knows them better than the random that my boyfriend had decided to leave them with without my knowledge.