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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my kids home (bizarre situation)

351 replies

BaleandWhale · 10/08/2015 13:57

DC were at their dads. Due home at 5pm today.

I was in town doing some shopping and heard a kid crying from the other side of the shop which sounded like DD. Went to look and found all three DC with a woman I've never seen before dragging DD by her hand out of the shop Hmm

Obviously I stopped her and said WTF are you doing and who the hell are you.

Turns out she is the best mate of ex's girlfriend. Ex had to work so left kids with his partner. Partner decided to take them to town with her mate. Partner then went to get her hair blow dried at one of those pop up blow dry places and left DC with her mate. Youngest DC (5) was upset and refused to leave the shop. Big department store so she had managed to get her three floors down during the tantrum.

DD asked to come home with me and then the other two said they wanted to as well. The woman starts saying I couldn't take them as she didn't know who I was. Oldest is 11 and clearly saying that's my mum!

Anyway I took them as they are due home soon anyway.

EX has just phoned and gone ballistic that I had no right to take them and partner is frantic about it.

AIBU to take them home with me?

OP posts:
LazyLohan · 10/08/2015 14:44

Obviously you couldn't just leave her, but I think they other woman did the right thing not wanting you to just take them. You should have walked up to the hairdressers with her and the children, because you put her in a very difficult position. She doesn't know the ins and outs of your custody arrangements or if there's a reason you shouldn't take them.

A blowout takes 45 mins tops. Considering your eldest is 11 and will be with the littler ones I think you've totally overreacted.

Put it this way, if the boot was on the other foot and a woman was on here complaining that her ex got angry if she used a friend he didn't know to watch the kids for an hour he'd be controlling and manipulative.

temperato · 10/08/2015 14:49

Of course ywnbu. I would have done exactly the same. And your ex has absolutely no right to be going ballistic, he should count himself lucky if you continue to let him have unsupervised access!

sandycove · 10/08/2015 14:55

How outrageous for your ex partner to go ballistic and say you had no right. You had absolutely EVERY right to take your children off a stranger. He had no right to leave them. You were the one who had the right to be outraged, not him.

Micah · 10/08/2015 14:56

When I first met DP- lived in a flat share, never been near a child before...his ex wanted to go shopping. DP had an important meeting, so she asked him if I could have them for the day. A 2 year old and a 4 year old with SEN. She didn't know my name, anything about me, where I lived, if I owned rottweilers.

I posted an AIBU at the time. I was resoundly told I was, that the ex obviously trusted DP, and by extension, ex trusted me, so it was fine for me to have them.

Would you never leave your kids with a friend for half an hour?

The Dc might have known this friend. I do think taking the kids off was a bit U, as the friend rightly said how was she to know you weren't some crazed child abductor.

Guitargirl · 10/08/2015 15:00

Ask your ex what he would have done had he come across his DCs crying in a shop with someone he had never met before.

mummy0bummy · 10/08/2015 15:04

I feel sorry for both you and the woman who was doing her best to look after them (the fact that she wasn't keen to let them go off with you at first is a GOOD sign, not a bad one). I also feel sorry for the kids of course.

As for their father and his partner, pffff.

wannaBe · 10/08/2015 15:07

What a lot of hysterical responses on this thread. He'll be lucky to retain supervised access in future? Children should be spending quality time with the father and if not with the father they should be with their mum? What a load of bollocks. Hmm As for the poster who referred to the ex's dp as a trollop, WTAF? Shock

The children were on their father's contact time. Contact time doesn't, surprisingly enough, mean 100% time spent with said parent, nor does it mean that if the parent isn't there the contact time should be cancelled and the children should be with the other parent.

Imagine if a woman posted that she had left her dc with her dp because needed to work and dp had taken them into town and they had stayed with a friend, who he presumably trusted while he went to do something else, the ex had come along and just taken the children without speaking to her first. There would be absolute outcry of how he was controlling, how he had no right to dictate where the children spend time when not with him, and how the children were likely being damaged by his control...

The op's ex presumably trusts his dp. Perhaps the dp made an error of judgement or perhaps the five year old was just having a tantrum, as five year olds do. If the op had had any reservations she should have called her ex then and spoken to him. but she has no right to dictate who the children spend time with while with their father, any more than he should have a right to dictate who they spend time with when they're with her.

WickedWax · 10/08/2015 15:11

YANBU and if I'd found a random stranger who I'd never laid eyes on before "dragging DD by her hand" out of a shop I'd have had to be held back to stop me karate chopping her arm for good measure. Shock

BitterChocolate · 10/08/2015 15:12

I don't think your were being unreasonable, given that the DC were distressed and would have become more distressed if you had left them. But I probably wouldn't have started with swearing at the woman either. I would have started by saying that I'm their mother and I was expecting them to be with ex's-name or ex's-partner's-name so that the other woman at least knew I wasn't some random busybody from the very start.

Then I would have gone to where ex's partner was, or phoned her or ex and told them that I found them in a very upset state and they are asking to come home with me. Then suggested that they could be dropped back or picked up by ex from home once they had calmed themselves a bit.

Kids vary but I know that my DC would have been further upset by adults having a shouty argument and so in difficult situations I try to address the most important things calmly and keep at it until it's sorted out. In this case made myself know as DCs' mother, calmed them and assured them that I won't leave them until the situation is sorted, contact the person that they should have been with to let them know what's happening, decided the next course of action (return to ex's partner, take them home etc) based on the needs of the DC.

Mind you it's REALLY hard to keep calm when faced with a shouty person who's being horrible to your kids.

Redcherries · 10/08/2015 15:15

Have to say it, I'm with Wannabe on this. Can you imagine if this was the other way around? With the dad taking the kids home?

OP did you speak to the dad or the GF before you left with the children?

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 10/08/2015 15:18

If my ex encountered somebody being horrible to my children to such an extent that they were screaming and crying then yes, I'd want him to remove them from that situation. I'd expect him to be the parent. Mind you, I don't leave my children with any people dickish enough to make that scenario probable so it's a moot point really.

TenForward82 · 10/08/2015 15:19

YANBU.

ghostyslovesheep · 10/08/2015 15:22

YANBU if they asked to go with you but, as someone else said, I would have rung ex or his GF and told them!

LindyHemming · 10/08/2015 15:27

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DixieNormas · 10/08/2015 15:27

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coconutpie · 10/08/2015 15:30

YANBU.

Bloody hell, your ex should be looking at this from the DCs point of view. Very upset out with somebody they don't know, next thing their mom comes over and they want to go home with mom. How would the DCs feel if you just said no sorry, stay here with this strange woman.

FFS, your ex is being a major twat.

ahbollocks · 10/08/2015 15:41

Yanbu but I think it was the girlfriend at fault

bringthenoise · 10/08/2015 15:48

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Binit · 10/08/2015 16:03

Our society has become a sick place if it isn't ok for a distressed 5yo to be taken home by her mother.

I bet ex's partner was frantic. She left the dc with someone else who was clearly struggling with them - not in an emergency of anything - just to have a stupid blow dry Hmm - poor decision.

nemo81 · 10/08/2015 16:09

I would have done the same.

Now ask your ex what he would have done if he found his kids crying in a shop and being draggedaround by a random bloke he didn't know, which happened to be your new partners mate?

EmeraldKitten · 10/08/2015 16:13

Yanbu and in your situation I would have done the same.

However, the gf's friend who they were with - I would say she was hugely unreasonable.

If I was in her position, no WAY would I have let you take them, even if they were protesting you were their mum (presumably she doesn't know the ins and outs of arrangements/custody etc?)

If they were left in my care by a friend and I didn't know you, you could have been the Queen of Sheba and you'd not have left with them tbh. I would have insisted on phoning the gf or called security if you'd tried to leave with them.

DadfromUncle · 10/08/2015 16:22

What is a pop up blow dry place?

sandycove · 10/08/2015 16:31

Yes but Emeraldkitten it's not as if it was a random stranger coming up and taking the kids, it must have been obvious to the unable to cope woman that this was the mother, especially when the kids said they wanted to go to the mother. The unable to cope woman didn't have one single legal right to try and stop her.

araiba · 10/08/2015 16:32

yabu

kids chuck tantrums, that doesnt give you the right to kidnap them

you should have spoken to your ex before doing anything else- it is his time and he can choose suitable people to look after his kids if he is unable to. you have that right when it is your time

PerpendicularVincenzo · 10/08/2015 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.