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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my kids home (bizarre situation)

351 replies

BaleandWhale · 10/08/2015 13:57

DC were at their dads. Due home at 5pm today.

I was in town doing some shopping and heard a kid crying from the other side of the shop which sounded like DD. Went to look and found all three DC with a woman I've never seen before dragging DD by her hand out of the shop Hmm

Obviously I stopped her and said WTF are you doing and who the hell are you.

Turns out she is the best mate of ex's girlfriend. Ex had to work so left kids with his partner. Partner decided to take them to town with her mate. Partner then went to get her hair blow dried at one of those pop up blow dry places and left DC with her mate. Youngest DC (5) was upset and refused to leave the shop. Big department store so she had managed to get her three floors down during the tantrum.

DD asked to come home with me and then the other two said they wanted to as well. The woman starts saying I couldn't take them as she didn't know who I was. Oldest is 11 and clearly saying that's my mum!

Anyway I took them as they are due home soon anyway.

EX has just phoned and gone ballistic that I had no right to take them and partner is frantic about it.

AIBU to take them home with me?

OP posts:
paulapompom · 10/08/2015 21:42

I get your point youare but the exdp didn't leave them with this woman, he left them with his gf that he trusts and that the op knows and seems ok with.

CalleighDoodle · 10/08/2015 21:43

You took your distressed children home at their request after they were left with a friend of the dad's girlfriend. You communicated with the woman.
You were most certainly not unreasonable.

BettyCatKitten · 10/08/2015 21:49

I'd have done the same, Yanbu.

PerpendicularVincenzo · 10/08/2015 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rollonthesummer · 10/08/2015 21:57

I would have done exactly the same as you did.

Inertia · 10/08/2015 22:14

Of course you were not unreasonable. Your youngest child was clearly distressed - I am amazed at the number of people insisting that you should have left your crying children in the care of a woman known to neither you nor the children (nor the children's father, as it turned out) who was dragging your child out of the shop.

The equivalent wouldn't be the father taking the children from a friend of the OP. The equivalent would be the father taking them from a friend of a friend of the OP who none of them had ever met.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 10/08/2015 22:34

To add to my previous post, the ex's DP also didn't answer the telephone when called. Not exactly responsible when she's been charged with the care of someone else's children only to palm them off onto someone else.

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/08/2015 22:50

NickiFury

You are of the opinion that the OP was 100% right, when there would have been much better ways to handle this.

The Op was unreasonable for just taking the children. Instead of going upstairs with the children and friend she decided to take them away without telling anybody.

Sorry, not reasonable.

LongHardStare · 10/08/2015 22:56

YABU. I wonder how many of the people on this thread saying YANBU have experience of bringing up children where step parents are involved. I'm guessing those that do, haven't settled into happy nurturing arrangements.

A five year old having a meltdown is not a reason to take children away from the adult with whom they have been entrusted.

That the adult is a stranger to the OP (not the children) is not a reason to take the children away.

The OP's ex is right that this undermined one of the adults in the children's lives who they should be able to trust.

How many threads have there been on here about children playing parents off against eachother, acting like spoilt brats with the threat of returning to the other parent if they don't get what they want?

The appropriate thing to do would have been to calm the child down and if necessary wait until the partner reappeared from the hairdressers, or go there to speak to her.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 10/08/2015 22:56

Did she not tell the woman who was 'looking after' them?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 10/08/2015 22:59

I'm a step parent, and my dc have step parents. There hasn't been many issues largely because none of us fob off child care onto our gfs/bfs who then haven't gone and fobbed off child care to people we haven't met.

LuluJakey1 · 10/08/2015 23:00

Hmm, if I had come across Dd hysterical in a shop with someone I did not know holding onto him and he was crying to come home with me, I really don't think I would have been able to leave him.

I would be upset with DH (who is not my ex by the way but for the purposes of my thinkng in this scenario, is exDH). Upset because he had contact and then went to work so DS could just have stayed with me, upset because DS was being trailed around shops on a day when he should have bern doing something nice with his dad, upset beacue he was with a stranger and clearly upset and Dh did not even know her and I would also be upset with DH's girlfriend.

However, I think I would have gone upstairs and told her I was taking DS home.

LuluJakey1 · 10/08/2015 23:03

I suppose it depends also on how much of a fixture the girlfriend is in your ex's life. If it is a long term relationship and the children know her and you trust her, that is different to someone who has been around a fortnight.

I would not be happy with DH introducing DS to strings of casual girlfriends but I don't know what this situation is.

NickiFury · 10/08/2015 23:06

I don't agree with you, I think it was entirely reasonable.

So I guess we are just going to have to agree to disagree aren't we?

BoneyBackJefferson · 10/08/2015 23:34

It looks that way.

NickiFury · 10/08/2015 23:35
Smile
APlaceOnTheCouch · 10/08/2015 23:57

I can understand the automatic response of wanting to comfort your DC but actually I think you did handle it badly. You let your DC see that if they throw a tantrum they can get what they want. You put the gf's friend in an impossible position - from her pov, she was given responsibility for looking after the DCs and a woman she doesn't know came up and took them away.

No wonder the gf didn't finish her blowdry, I'm guessing her friend called to say a woman who says she's the DCs' mum has taken them away from me, and yy the DCs did say she was their mum too but the gf had no way to verify it because you left the shop.

If you felt you had to calm your DD down (and no-one else can) then you could have calmed her on the way back to the gf. Then DCs see that all the adults have an united front. DD sees she can't just throw a tantrum and get her own way. No-one is left in a panic about any random being in charge of the DCs (either you worrying about the random friend or the friend and gf worrying that you may be a random who has taken the DCs).

MokunMokun · 11/08/2015 00:52

I also think the OP acted badly. Kids tantrum sometimes. It happens. As the ex said she might have been fine two minutes later. Perhaps they had plans that afternoon? Of course the Ex can leave the kids with his GF while he works. What on earth do people expect him to do? Perhaps it wasn't ideal the GF left them with a friend but it's not awful. I asked a friend to watch my toddler the other day while I went to the toilet. I came back and the toddler was crying. It's not a big deal. I actually think the OP should apologize to her Ex. It's tough I know but the Ex is right.

sandycove · 11/08/2015 01:00

The OP acted correctly. The woman who had her children was not only unknown to her but maybe even unknown to the father. The children were left in the care of the father. It was bad enough that he passed them on to his girlfriend, but for her to then pass them on to her friend is totally unacceptable and irresponsible. Then to top it all the ex has the absolute nerve to go ballistic because the children's mother takes her distressed children off the stranger. It's his girlfriend he should be going ballistic at, for palming off his children while she gets her hair done. Absolutely appalling.

sandycove · 11/08/2015 01:10

Another thing, I can't imagine there's many mothers out there who would see their upset child being dragged out of a shop by someone totally unknown to her and stand back and let it happen. If the father had given this woman the responsibility of the children that would be different. But this woman was given the task of minding them by someone who didn't have that right to do that. Wrong on every count.

gordonpym · 11/08/2015 01:16

YANBU.
A person you don't know was using physical force on your child. Your child was upset and crying.
Put this in writing and tell you ex to consider himself lucky your are not pressing charges.

ChasedByBees · 11/08/2015 01:31

Absolutely in no way unreasonable OP.

Waltermittythesequel · 11/08/2015 01:33

Look, if you could answer your phone and talk with ex on a low battery, then you could have phoned him with the same amount of battery.

YWNBU to take the dc. But YWBU to not tell him.

PegsPigs · 11/08/2015 05:23

I don't see why contact time shouldn't be spent with the NRP Wanna?

If you only see your kids once a week or less why would you fob them off so you can work? Surely you'd swap your day or leave them with their mum that day rather than playing pass the parcel with them to randoms? As the child I'd get the message 'work is more important to Dad than me' and 'getting her hair blow dried is more important to Jane than me'. So I'd feel pretty peed off by the time I'd been dragged 3 floors down. I'm not saying pander to tantrums but they are tantrumming for a reason and sometimes that reason is valid. If the DC were with Jane then fine but for her to fob them off for something more important is part of the real issue. Along with the dad maybe not working then? I know I'm painting a picture of a perfect world where no one ever gets called in at the last minute but kids should feel that their parents want to spend time with them and are likely to play up if they feel overlooked as it'll be attention seeking behaviour. And maybe they're right to want attention paying to them.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 11/08/2015 06:46

I'm surprised some are saying OP was actually unreasonable to have taken home her children after seeing one of them clearly distressed.

The children were with a stranger; I don't believe any of us would walk on by or dismiss our children's obvious distress if we were in her position.

To the posters asking 'do you vet the care taker, dinner lady'; those people are already in a position of trust within a trusted setting.

She was tuned into her dd's crying within a department store went to investigate and took the appropriate action when she saw her kids with a stranger.