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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my kids home (bizarre situation)

351 replies

BaleandWhale · 10/08/2015 13:57

DC were at their dads. Due home at 5pm today.

I was in town doing some shopping and heard a kid crying from the other side of the shop which sounded like DD. Went to look and found all three DC with a woman I've never seen before dragging DD by her hand out of the shop Hmm

Obviously I stopped her and said WTF are you doing and who the hell are you.

Turns out she is the best mate of ex's girlfriend. Ex had to work so left kids with his partner. Partner decided to take them to town with her mate. Partner then went to get her hair blow dried at one of those pop up blow dry places and left DC with her mate. Youngest DC (5) was upset and refused to leave the shop. Big department store so she had managed to get her three floors down during the tantrum.

DD asked to come home with me and then the other two said they wanted to as well. The woman starts saying I couldn't take them as she didn't know who I was. Oldest is 11 and clearly saying that's my mum!

Anyway I took them as they are due home soon anyway.

EX has just phoned and gone ballistic that I had no right to take them and partner is frantic about it.

AIBU to take them home with me?

OP posts:
Nonnainglese · 10/08/2015 16:37

Did your children know this wom?
I'd have been horrified and taken the children - op must have been shocked.

NoMontagues · 10/08/2015 16:43

< shakes head indulgently at DadFrom >

A pop-up blow-dry place is a place where you can get your hair blow-dried and which is not a permanent fixture like an ordinary hairdresser, but rather one that is just open for a limited period.

MackerelOfFact · 10/08/2015 16:51

I think you put the friend in a really difficult position. She'd never met you and you were asking to take the children she'd been entrusted with. Even with the 11-year-old's reassurances that you are their mum, there's no way you should've forced her to let you take them there and then. By all means hang around with them until XHDP turns up and explain that you're taking them home, but can't just expect to take them from someone who had no idea who you were.

Getthewonderwebout · 10/08/2015 16:55

That's horrible. YANBU. I would be reconsidering his future access be reduced to zero or supervised.

Really? On what grounds? To me that's just fucking ridiculous and no court would agree based on what the OP said.

OP, I'd have probably question the upset first. I think I would have called ex and told him of situation out of consideration for him and his girlfriend. She probably feels shit about it.

ASorcererIsAWizardSquared · 10/08/2015 16:59

I think the only thing you did wrong was taking them home, you should have taken them back to your Ex's DP and sorted it out with her!

It was their dads contact time, and as his partner, she was in Loco Parentis, as much as you're their mum, and they wanted to go with you, you should have returned them to his DP!

MoralityPlay · 10/08/2015 17:06

I would have taken the kids too although it would have been a good idea to phone your Ex just to let him know.

I don't think it's that unreasonable that the kids were with the friend though. It depends on the person involved. She could be a childcare professional? Maybe...? I know the kids were crying when the OP heard them but they could have been happy to be with the friend at first. The fact that your eldest is 11 and was there with the younger two makes it less off.

I used to leave my kids with babysitters that the kids didn't know.

Original poster
BaleandWhale · 10/08/2015 17:08

Sorry to post and run Blush

Some quick points, DD was having a tantrum yes and I think the mate was trying to get her out of the department store as (we all know) tantruming kids are embarrassing. Mate called ex's partner about 30 seconds after I ran into them, partner didn't pick up, presumably as she was getting her hair dried. I didn't call ex and planned to call him when I got back to the car as I had low battery.

Ex went ballistic as taking the kids is undermining his partner and her decision making and making the kids think they can go home whenever they want

OP posts:
Original poster
BaleandWhale · 10/08/2015 17:10

I didn't take DC up to find partner as its a huge department store and they were nearly out of the bottom doors, blow dry place is right on the top floor

OP posts:
ProcrastinatorGeneral · 10/08/2015 17:13

Ex needs to make it clear that his partner shouldn't prioritise a fucking hairdo over the children she'd been entrusted with then. Vanity over responsibility isn't pleasant.

youareallbonkers · 10/08/2015 17:16

What do you think would happen to them? Do you insist on getting to know everyone who deals with them at school? Caretaker, dinner ladies, etc

wannaBe · 10/08/2015 17:17

whether she was a childcare professional or not is irrelevant. Presumably the ex trusted his dp to leave the dc with this woman for a period, plus, just because she is a stranger to the op doesn't mean she is a stranger to the dc. When you are no longer together you lose the right to dictate who your children spend time with when they are with their other parent, and they will meet and interact with numerous strangers during their time with each parent and the other would not and should not have the right to stop that.

Original poster
BaleandWhale · 10/08/2015 17:20

I didn't think anything would happen.

What do you think I should have done? Said "oh sorry DD you can't come with me as its Daddy's time stay here with this lady instead"?

They weren't even going to see their dad for the rest of the afternoon, he's still at work now.

OP posts:
GoblinLittleOwl · 10/08/2015 17:21

When you consider all the regulations laid down for professionals over safeguarding children in their care, you have every right to object to the casual arrangements your ex partner made for the care of his children.

Morally, you were perfectly justified in the action you took; legally, I don't know, but I would think you have definite cause for concern. Your children were distressed, and left in the care of someone they did not know; you took appropriate action to safeguard them.

DadfromUncle · 10/08/2015 17:27

Thanks NoMontagues, and sorry to everyone else for being slightly o/t, but is it only a blow dry? I know it sounds stupid - maybe I will ask my hairdresser...

Zampa · 10/08/2015 17:28

You acted unreasonably.

Does your ex get to vet everyone that your children come into contact with when you are caring for them?

The5DayChicken · 10/08/2015 17:32

I'd have been as pissed off as you, yes, but I don't think it's right to handle it as you did.

Imagine the shoe on the other foot...your DC being looked after by a friend of yours out and about. One is crying for some reason (perhaps they fell over). Your ex happens to be nearby and takes the children from your friend who has no proof that he is who he says he is. He then says absolutely nothing to you personally about it and your friend comes back to you distraught as your kids have been taken from her and she has to tell you.

IMO, you should have gone back to the hairdresser with this woman and your DC then called him to tell him that the kids being left with someone they don't know isn't acceptable.

wannaBe · 10/08/2015 17:33

"Morally, you were perfectly justified in the action you took; legally, I don't know, but I would think you have definite cause for concern. Your children were distressed, and left in the care of someone they did not know; you took appropriate action to safeguard them." bullshit. No court would make any kind of legal stand on this. The children were in the care of their father. At that time he was the one responsible for decisions regarding where they were, who they were with etc. If you start down that road then are we to assume that all separated parents must run every person past the other that their children will be introduced to? may interact with? may even be left with on occasion?

And to those saying that the dp shouldn't have had a hair cut at that time, time with the children isn't all indulgence time, it should be the children spending time as part of a family, and sometimes being part of the family and family life means both members having other things to do and leaving the children with someone else.

And distress is subjective here. the child was having a tantrum. Presumably if she was having a tantrum while with the op the op wouldn't consider it distress. But instead the op pandered to her tantrum and took her home. I agree that she has undermined their father and his dp and set a precedent for the dc to cry that they want to go home whenever things don't go their way in future.

Op you should have either taken the dc back upstairs or called your dp. There are no excuses for you not having done so, instead you removed the children and didn't even bother to tell their dad or dp that you had taken them, and the friend had no idea who you were. For all she knew you could have had no contact as per a court agreement or similar.

Original poster
BaleandWhale · 10/08/2015 17:35

Dadfromuncle, it's a place just to get a special blow dry. You know how the hairdressers always blow dry your hair nice? Well you just go in and they wash and dry your hair into a certain style.

If this was a thread about not wanting ex to leave the kids with other people I would think I was BU. but it's about the fact I bumped into them, youngest was upset and asking to come home. The other two piled in and said if she's coming home so are we. If I had bumped into his partner in the same situation I would have calmed DD down and told them they had to stay. Not some bloody random I've never met before who looked totally out of her depth with 3 DC (one of who was having a meltdown)

OP posts:
sticklebrickstickle · 10/08/2015 17:35

I think it was unreasonable to go without speaking to your ex's DP. I appreciate it would have been added hassle but also can see why she was frantic that the children were gone without anybody bring able to confirm for sure they'd gone with their mum.

As to whether she was unreasonable in leaving your DC with her friend, I guess it depends how well they know the friend (if at all) and how long she was going to be. If the friend was somebody they've known for some time and who your ex also knows and trusts then that is very different to if she was a stranger to them. Also think being left with friend for 10 mins just to look around the same shop isn't Too bad compared to being left with her for an hour to go all around town which would not really be okay.

Is your DD usually a tantrummy child or was it out of character for her? Think that also makes a difference - a child who is normally calm and good-natured having a major tantrum suggests that the situation with the friend in charge wasn't okay. However if your DD is prone to tantrums anyway it might not have been that there was anything specifically wrong with the friend's childcare.

I don't believe that the non-redudent parent's time with children has to involve them being with that parent the whole time anymore than the resident parent should have the children all of the rest of the time.

If you left your DC in the care of a friend and they bumped into your ex and begged their daddy to take the back to his house would you feel happy about the situation?

TheCatsMother99 · 10/08/2015 17:37

Undermining his partner?! You have a right to know who your kids are left with and you weren't told they'd be left with her (whether an impromptu decision or not).

Original poster
BaleandWhale · 10/08/2015 17:38

wannaBe, ex didn't even know who the mate was. When I asked him who she was he said he'd never met her but she was "fine". Would you leave your kids with a mate of a mate if they said they were "fine"

OP posts:
Original poster
BaleandWhale · 10/08/2015 17:40

DD doesn't throw tantrums much at all, but when she does they are epic Hmm. My own DP doesn't deal with them well either. Probably why I recognised her screaming from the other side of the shop!

OP posts:
wannaBe · 10/08/2015 17:47

"You have a right to know who your kids are left with and you weren't told they'd be left with her (whether an impromptu decision or not)." no, she doesn't. When you are no longer with your child's other parent you have no right to any say in what happens when the children are with that other parent. Conversely that other parent has no right to a say in who you leave your children with either.

I'm guessing all the posters who claim that the op should have a right to know would be happy to run every single introduction to another person via their ex so he was aware? no didn't think so.

My ds spends time with ex's dp's family sometimes. whether he is left alone with them I don't know, but that is not my call to make. Similarly when he is with me he comes into contact with all manner of people. I may, or may not leave him with them if I e.g. needed to nip to the shop for instance. I don't, but I could, and it wouldn't be any of ex's business.

Now, my ds generally does tell each of us where he's been, what he's been up to etc, but it wouldn't be for either of us to question him on that or to then go on to question each other on it or start making demands.

wannaBe · 10/08/2015 17:49

well, presumably your ex trusts his dp? I trust my dp and as such if for any reason I had left him with ds and he left him with a mate for a period I would trust his judgement.

Mistigri · 10/08/2015 17:50

In theory of course your ex has a right to determine who looks after your kids during his contact time, but the onus is on him to make sensible decisions about appropriate carers, and it's not OK for him to leave them with someone who plays pass the parcel with them so that they end up with a stranger. And this person was a stranger to both your ex and to you.

Regardless, in practice, I find it hard to believe that anyone would leave their distressed child in the care of a person they didn't know, especially when the children wanted to go home with you. So from that point of view YWDNBU.