Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my kids home (bizarre situation)

351 replies

BaleandWhale · 10/08/2015 13:57

DC were at their dads. Due home at 5pm today.

I was in town doing some shopping and heard a kid crying from the other side of the shop which sounded like DD. Went to look and found all three DC with a woman I've never seen before dragging DD by her hand out of the shop Hmm

Obviously I stopped her and said WTF are you doing and who the hell are you.

Turns out she is the best mate of ex's girlfriend. Ex had to work so left kids with his partner. Partner decided to take them to town with her mate. Partner then went to get her hair blow dried at one of those pop up blow dry places and left DC with her mate. Youngest DC (5) was upset and refused to leave the shop. Big department store so she had managed to get her three floors down during the tantrum.

DD asked to come home with me and then the other two said they wanted to as well. The woman starts saying I couldn't take them as she didn't know who I was. Oldest is 11 and clearly saying that's my mum!

Anyway I took them as they are due home soon anyway.

EX has just phoned and gone ballistic that I had no right to take them and partner is frantic about it.

AIBU to take them home with me?

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 11/08/2015 13:01

Surely the nrp and his gf are to blame here. Most of us in charge of 3 children would not decide on impulse to go for a blowdry and leave them with a 3rd party. You'd make a mental note and return another time when you don't have any responsibilities.

This this this!!! Jane was upset because she'd been rumbled skiving off looking after her boyfriend's kids! Jane isn't very trustworthy-teacher or no teacher!

purplepandas · 11/08/2015 13:01

Op, you were not out of order. I would have removed my children too. No way would I leave them upset with someone they don't know.

slithytove · 11/08/2015 13:03

The girlfriend was the one caring for them. When it's not a parent, I call it babysitting.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/08/2015 13:03

BertrandRussell

I agree with you.

Generally

How many times on here have we seen threads that say the NRP should sort childcare when they are called in to work, that is what the NRP did so how is what he did wrong?

the EX's gf wasn't miles away nor did she leave them with a stranger, she left them with a friend that they knew and I use the word "left" loosely.

seems that sometimes the EX and by extension anyone linked with them is just wrong whatever they do.

WineIsMyMainVice · 11/08/2015 13:11

YANBU

MotherOfBleach · 11/08/2015 13:20

I'm not sure why everyone is arguing the toss over the rights of the adults in this situation?

Contact is for the children not the adults. The children were upset and wanted to go with mum. What the adults wanted is a non issue.

My child was upset a few days ago when she injured herself and screamed for her father, should I have refused to call him because it was my time with her not his? Of course not, that would be petty.

Jane was upset? Poor Jane, but that's neither here nor there, really. The child was upset, that is the issue.

Of course OP should ideally have let Jane or the ex know before taking the children to avoid them worrying, but I would imagine when confronted with the same situation most parents would be focused on their child, not the adults involved. OP was going to call the ex once she got to her car, which I assume would have taken her less than 10 minutes to get to. She was not going to swan off all day and leave everyone worrying.

In summary:

Ex was not unreasonable to leave children with Jane.
Jane was NU to get her hair done.
Jane's friend was unreasonable to be dragging a screaming child, she did not know well by the hand and should have handled the situation better
OP was not unreasonable to take the children with the intention of confirming with the adults involved asap.
Ex was unreasonable to call and immediately start having a go.

clam · 11/08/2015 13:23

Actually, I would say that Jane was unreasonable to get her hair done at this point.

rollonthesummer · 11/08/2015 13:26

I think Jane was completely unreasonable!

badtime · 11/08/2015 13:31

Why the fuck does your ex think his partner's upset is more important than his children's?

DayLillie · 11/08/2015 13:40

It does seem the adults involved were making arrangements that suited them rather than the children.

I'm not saying that this was wrong, but it did not turn out well, and that was a consequence of the string of decisions.

OP did the only thing she could do when confronted by the situation, as the mother. It would have been better to have contacted Jane and the ex sooner, headed off any backlash, but the unfortunate friend knew where they were.

Jane might be upset, but presumably she is an adult and these things happen and you deal with it. You can't arrange your life around keeping Jane happy.

MotherOfBleach · 11/08/2015 13:46

I think Jane's only mistake was not settling the child before getting her hair done.

If she'd accompanied her friend and the children to the local ice cream shop and settled them down with an ice cream treat before going back off to get her hair done, everyone could have gotten what they wanted and this would have been avoided.

It's not unreasonable to leave children in the care of an adult you know and trust even if the children do not know them, so long as everyone involved is happy.

Jane and the friend handled it badly but getting her done wasn't the problem.

BertrandRussell · 11/08/2015 13:50

The children weren't upset. The 5 year old was, in the OP's words, having a tantrum (we don't know why- could have been something serious, or something trivial) but the other two weren't.

And the OP knows and trusts Jane. And Jane's friend was looking after the children (one aged 11) in a Department store - she wasn't taking them white water rafting or for a walk along the M4!

And we have no idea how the rest of the day went- for all we know it might have been given up to child centred, hedonistic pleasures.......

Micah · 11/08/2015 13:51

I occasionally chaperone trips for a group similar to brownies.

I don't know all the parents, not all the parents know me. If I was out and about with the children and an adult I didn't know said they were a parent and were taking little Johnny, no way no how would I let them.

Even if the child were upset for whatever reason, and identified the adult as a parent, I would still say no until another adult verified the parent.

If children are in your care, you do not allow them to go with anyone not known to you.

The friend should have been responsible and not allowed you to take them. O/p should have taken the kids, with the friend, and told Jane she was taking them.

eddielizzard · 11/08/2015 13:53

their priority lists:

ex:

  1. work
  2. gf happy
  3. kids happy

ex's dp:

  1. hair looking good
  2. kids happy
Eliza22 · 11/08/2015 13:55

I would have done the same. And if your ex's partner was taking responsibility for the kids because he was at work....she shouldn't have been at the hairdressers. They all sound hopeless and YANBU.

Bakeoffcake · 11/08/2015 13:55

You did the right thing OP.

The only thing I would have done differently is to go and find your Ex's partner, with the children and told her that you were taking the children.

Itsmine · 11/08/2015 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slithytove · 11/08/2015 14:02

It's not unreasonable to leave children in the care of an adult you know and trust even if the children do not know them, so long as everyone involved is happy

Where does this end though?
XH did this, fine, all above board.
Jane did this, less find, no parent knows the mate.

But could the mate do this? By your logic, yes.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/08/2015 14:14

"if your ex's partner was taking responsibility for the kids because he was at work....she shouldn't have been at the hairdressers."

Does this extend to all mothers as well?

MotherOfBleach · 11/08/2015 14:25

BertrandRussell, if the children were not unhappy, the rest of the day was great and they were happy to be with Jane and her friend, with the exception of the youngest having a simple tantrum, then why did all the children ask to go with OP?

I have an 11yo, if her younger sibling ruined an otherwise fun day with a tantrum, she'd say so, she wouldn't just willingly leave people she was happy to be with, doing things she was happy to be doing just because her sibling had booted off.

Clearly none of the children were happy with the situation.

yumyumpoppycat · 11/08/2015 14:27

How many mothers would leave their children with a friend for an impromptu blow dry when out with a friend they don't get to see very often....they should be spending the time with the friend and children.? If this imaginary mother needed the blow dry for a job interview or special night out and arranged it in advance with a plan for the children to be occupied fair enough!

I think the fact she is a teacher makes it worse I thought she was just a bit clueless about children rather than self absorbed.

clam · 11/08/2015 14:32

I don't understand why the girlfriend was "frantic" and had to leave the salon with half wet hair, as surely she didn't know anything about it until she met up with her friend, presumably as arranged, who would then have explained to her exactly where the kids were and what had happened.

If she was frantic, I suspect it was more likely to have been because she thought your ex would have a go at her for palming his kids off on someone else so she could get her hair dried who the hell doesn't do it themselves anyway, ffs?

MotherOfBleach · 11/08/2015 14:38

I've assumed that Jane's friend is a bit dramatic, given the shouting at OP and has run off to Jane stating that some women, who may or not not have been the children's mother has grabbed the children and taken them away, hence the worrying by ex and Jane.

Although that's just an assumption, Jane might very well have been frantic because she thought ex would be upset with her.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/08/2015 14:48

yumyumpoppycat

You mean like asking a friend to look after them?

skinnysoyvanillalatte · 11/08/2015 14:49

As a stepmother, I would be mortified if DH's ex found the kids with a stranger while we were all out shopping- (and I was off having my hair done).

Swipe left for the next trending thread