To take my kids home (bizarre situation)

[BaleandWhale]

DC were at their dads. Due home at 5pm today.

I was in town doing some shopping and heard a kid crying from the other side of the shop which sounded like DD. Went to look and found all three DC with a woman I've never seen before dragging DD by her hand out of the shop

Obviously I stopped her and said WTF are you doing and who the hell are you.

Turns out she is the best mate of ex's girlfriend. Ex had to work so left kids with his partner. Partner decided to take them to town with her mate. Partner then went to get her hair blow dried at one of those pop up blow dry places and left DC with her mate. Youngest DC (5) was upset and refused to leave the shop. Big department store so she had managed to get her three floors down during the tantrum.

DD asked to come home with me and then the other two said they wanted to as well. The woman starts saying I couldn't take them as she didn't know who I was. Oldest is 11 and clearly saying that's my mum!

Anyway I took them as they are due home soon anyway.

EX has just phoned and gone ballistic that I had no right to take them and partner is frantic about it.

AIBU to take them home with me?

Skinny- I've left my step kids with my mother, or my sister when we've been out shopping and I've wanted to nip back for something or run to the loo.

Ex doesn't know them. Hell she's never even met me. She could easily bump into me out with the kids and the o/p's situation would apply.

jane was probably frantic when her friend ran back to say some woman she didn't know had taken the kids. The o/p should have found Jane before she went home with the kids.

Boney it's not really like asking a friend to look after them them in advance because the friend was put on the spot and clearly given the fact she was dragging the child by the arm she wasn't a good choice of babysitter. I don't know many mums who would ask a friend they don't see often to look after their children so they could have their hair blow dried.

But why would Jane's friend tell Jane a stranger had taken the children?

If an 11yo tells you someone is their mum, then that is someone is their mum. I don't know any 11yo who goes around calling everyone woman they meet mum.

I'm getting the impression that Jane's friend is not very good at adulting in general.

Dragging a 5yo around by the arm? Even teenagers know that if you are left with a reluctant 5yo who does not want to do as you say and does not know you well, you bribe them with Haribo and ice cream, you don't start manhandling them.

Shouting at OP? Why? Any parent who saw their 5yo being dragged around screaming by a stranger would be concerned and would want to know what was going on.

And finally not reassuring Jane that the children were with their mother and were fine, allowing her to interrupt her blowdry, which a few minutes ago was important enough to upset a 5yo child for is just odd.

Bale glad you came back. Also glad your XH rang the children and apologised for having to work. He doesn't sound a terrible dad. And by your admittance Jane doesn't sound like a terrible GF/SM. I think your right to chalk this one up to experience and work out and discuss with children future arrangements.

"OP sounds prone to overreaction".

How does she? She described what she saw in one sentence. Where else in any of her posts does she sound prone to overreaction? Unless you were there, or know the OP personally, this is a ridiculous thing to say.

I don't think OP ran off with them, did she? That's embellishment if ever I saw it.

She took them home at their request.

Or maybe she doesn't and is in the right?

I think it goes without saying that someone having to drag a 5yo anywhere is out of their depth, at that moment. I know it's one of those things that happens to even the best of parents, but it's far from the ideal isn't it and is indicative of that parent/carer not coping well at that moment in time.

Poor dc? I hate when that term is used on AIBU. It's the ultimate put down isn't it?

You have a snapshot of OP's life. Her children are more than likely very happy, well adjusted and loved.

If children are in your care, you do not allow them to go with anyone not known to you.

The friend should have been responsible and not allowed you to take them. O/p should have taken the kids, with the friend, and told Jane she was taking them.
But the children werent in this womans care with the consent of the parents. It wasnt the girlfriends shout to put them in the care of someone else. Therefore that arguments void.
You say the friend should have been responsible and not allowed the OP to take them. If she had been a responsible person she wouldnt have allowed her friend to palm them off in the first place. Apart from that what do you propose she should have done, used physical force to stop the other from having them. What nonsense to say she shouldnt have let them go even though the children clearly indicated it was their mother. The one who has parental rights is the one who legally, (if the police) were involved would have took the children, not the friend of a friend of the father.

I don't see where the OP is embellishing anything.

I regularly see parents dragging small, unwilling children while I'm out and about.

Her youngest DD was screaming loudly enough for the OP to hear her and recognise her from the other side of the shop.

She saw a stranger dragging her DD along and although her older children have said they have met this woman once before, all three wanted to go home with the OP rather than stay with this woman or go back to Jane.

OP took them, which I think I'd have done myself in the same situation.

OP didn't go and find Jane, which with hindsight might have been the best idea, but in the midst of what she herself calls a bizarre situation, she perhaps wasn't thinking that clearly.

Also, if Jane was in the salon and all of a sudden her partner's ex turns up with their three kids and Jane's mate in tow, children all saying they want to go home with their mum, OP telling Jane she was taking them home, Jane's mate trying to give her side of things, that might actually have caused more trouble than just taking them and phoning her ex from the car.

My phone doesn't work inside big department stores, I can never get a decent signal. I wouldn't want to waste a low battery trying to get a signal from inside a shop, I think I might wait until we were outside or I could get to the charger in the car too.

I haven't seen one thing here that makes me think the OP has embellished anything. In fact I wonder if it's the other way, and Jane's mate has downplayed the tantrum to try to make herself look more reasonable than the OP.

If she's only met the children once before, and OP's DD does have "epic tantrums" which the OP says even her ex can't deal with very well, she was probably flustered, panicking, and likely to try and just drag her outside to get away from people staring. And then downplay how badly she handled it to Jane afterwards. I think that's much more likely than the OP embellishing anything here, because everything she has said sounds quite plausible really.

I'm finding it a little ironic that you picking apart OP's terminology for being loaded/embellishing when your posts are exactly the same, itsmine

Either you believe OP "ran off" with her children or she "left without telling". Stick to you story, love

Unless we are to assume that "ran off" and "left without telling" are interchangeable ways of accurately recounting the same event (albeit one a loaded way and the other not)? You know like "upset" and "meltdown" would be....

I think OP has been perfectly clear and if you're so sure she was in the wrong then what she actually wrote should be enough for you, you shouldn't have to make up
your own version of events i.e accusing OP of embellishment and exaggeration with no grounds whatsoever. Pretty bad form imo.

So if I want to leave my step kids with my mum, I should check with Dh first? Even though he considers me responsible enough to take care of them all day?

So I phone Dh and get permission. If the ex then bumped into my mum, and removed the kids from her care without telling anyone, I would be furious.

If the ex bumped into me with the kids, she wouldn't know who I was. I wouldn't allow her to remove the kids from my care either.

Basic safeguarding.

Do we know if the friend was a stranger to the children?

Micah I assume if you left your dsk with your mum, you'd check that she was up to the job and that the dsk were happy. Don't think that was the case here.

I don't think there's much risk if an 11yo tells you that is their mum!

Think all the drama was really because ex and GF got caught dumping distressed kids on a random person who was not equipped to deal with them and who the kids weren't happy with.

Surely the better option would have been to take the children back to the GF at the hairdressers - helping out friend who was struggling, returning them to someone OP was known to and knew the children better. In the process calming them down and none of this upset would have occurred.
Maybe have a chat then to check they were ok to stay/better off going home with Mum.

Maybe even discuss it with Ex on another mobile.

Discussions rather than knee jerk reactions which mean everyone is aware of the actual situation rather than a panic one.

the ex bumped into me with the kids, she wouldn't know who I was. I wouldn't allow her to remove the kids from my care either

You wouldn't have much of a choice about it if she could prove she was the mother and no court order existed saying she couldn't remove them

But that's the thing Micah. The OP and those who agree that she acted appropriately in this situation aren't saying that the kids shouldn't be left in the care of anyone other than the Ex. My kids have been left with OWs sister for a day but that was fine because they knew her, Ex arranged it and the kids were more than happy. By the same token if DP asked me to care for his kids for the day there is NO WAY that I would leave them with a friend of mine that they may or may not have seen once at a barbecue. And especially not for something as trivial as a blow dry.

It's really sad that so little acknowledgement has been made of the bond between a parent and their child and I would defy ANY parent who saw their distressed 5 year old being manhandled by a stranger to do anything other than what the OP did.

Sock amnesty- unless she has the kids birth Certs and her own photographic Id she isn't going to be able to prove it though. I doubt she would be able to prove no court order exists either.

She can take the children when I've spoken to someone who can verify her, all it would take is a quick call to Dh. Until I know without a doubt who she is the children stay with me.

If your kids were out with your new partner, and he let them go with a man he didn't know, would you be happy? Even if this strange man claimed to be related.

Ywnbu it was clearly fate you found them. Not cool for your ex to Palm them off - even less cool he went ballistic his mistake

How would you stop her?

Kids:- can we come with you Mum?

Mum:- Yes

Random:- you can't take them! I won't allow it.

Mum:- come on kids.

Everyone troops off.