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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that people who purposely live apart in order to claim more benefits are hard faced, entitled idiots?

141 replies

SecretlyLaughing · 09/08/2015 17:27

Can't help but feel annoyed, pissed off and rather fuming following a conversation with one of my so called friends this morning, and I just want to know if I'm being unreasonable, because as far as I'm concerned I'm not, but according to my friend I'm blowing things out of proportion.

For a while now I've suspected that something dodgy was going on between her and her partner and without sounding bitter or nasty I've always wondered how she's been able to live the life she does and afford the things she has when she's supposedley a single parent on minimum wage. She supposedley split from her partner (to her four children) two years ago, whilst they were together they lived a modest lifestyle with the occasional treats etc (rather like me and my dh) but since they've separated she's suddenly bought herself a new Audi, she's out every weekend with friends, she has weekly spa/hair/tanning appointments, is splashing out on designer clothes et etc and whilst usually this sort of thing doesn't bother me and good on people who can afford these sort of things, like I said, I always wondered how she was affording it all, well now I know.

I decided as she was a friend to ask her outright what was going on, and after doging a few questions and acting kind of awkward she finally admitted the truth. She admitted that she made her partner move to his dad's house so that she could claim more in benefits ie housing benefit, tax credits, council tax relief, and income support (she works 10 hour a week).

I asked her if her and her partner were struggling and is that why they felt the need to do what they had done and she said no, and that they were simply sick and tired of not being able to afford all the little extras, such as holidays, nights out, fancy clothes, lavish Christmas's etc etc and that they knew they'd get at with it. Basically she was told by another friend (a rather dodgy friend!) that if her other half is registered elsewhere or for mail, doctors, dentist, bills etc then the "benefits people" can't touch her and that's she'd get away with claiming as single, despite still be very much involved with her "ex".

Well to say I was shocked (despite my initial suspicion) is an understatement, I mean if she had done this because she was struggling that would still be bad enough but maybe I could have understood but she's done this out of pure greed! And to top it off she knows that me and my dh have been struggling lately (nothing too serious) and that we've had to budget like crazy to afford the essentials and all she has done is brag about her upcoming foreign holidays, that her "ex" is also going on! So this morning I'd had enough, I told her exactly what I thought of her and stormed off, she's dunce phoned me around thirty times and text saying she wants to sort things out. But how can I be friends with such a lying, manipulative person?

OP posts:
ReginaFelangi · 09/08/2015 19:22

Report them.

AndNowItsSeven · 09/08/2015 19:24

Pink your figures are correct then, sorry. I still don't think it is a substantial amount to raise four dc especially if you have housing top ups and council tax.

pinkchoctruffle · 09/08/2015 19:24

Lone parent assumes being the sole adult responsible for children in a house.

Everyone has variations on how much support they get but I have to say I don't like that post.

So they work and provide for their children, have them in bed at a decent hour and the children have strong relations with their father? What's the problem? Genuinely?

Would you rather they claimed benefits and spent 'quality time' with their children?

Rather the children stayed up late?

Rather the dad did nothing?

Don't get it!

BitOutOfPractice · 09/08/2015 19:24

Do people really closely question friends aout their income? And press them further for more info? Do people actually spend time wondering how friends afford stuff? Really?

If any of my friends started questioning - and pressing me further if they didn't like the answer - about my income, I would tell them to get to fuck

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 09/08/2015 19:26

Pink The gov wouldnt pay a penny if he moved back with DP and children. Hes still working the system.

SecretlyLaughing · 09/08/2015 19:26

I said she is a friend, and she was, a friend of a friend if you like, we weren't exactly best friends but that doesn't matter, I had a feeling she was lying to me and I chose to ask her about it, so shoot me!

OP posts:
pinkchoctruffle · 09/08/2015 19:29

Bit to be fair I have had people open up to me about how much money they get in benefits. Don't know why.

revealall · 09/08/2015 19:32

It's not illegal because he does actually live at his Dad's.
Doesn't matter if he has lots of contact or decides to spend his money on them. Plenty of couples have amicable divorces with contact and plenty of single parents have formed relationships where living together is impractical/too soon/complicated by other children etc etc.
You can't demand people can only live in separate properties if they don't see each other and only spend on essentials. No one would ever be able to claim benefits and find a new partner in that case or do nice things as a family after a divorce went through.

The issue is him fiddling the system.

PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease · 09/08/2015 19:35

Audi drivers are often complete wankers.

MagicMojito · 09/08/2015 19:37

philosophy I'd like the number too please! We still can't afford to get our old ford focus MOT'd Grin

OP, whilst I agree that your friend is 100% morally in the wrong here, there really isn't much you can do other than report her. Your wasteing a lot of energy on this situation that you really don't have to!

Report if it will make you feel better, and then get on with your life Smile

BitOutOfPractice · 09/08/2015 19:37

pinkchoc people telling you and you grilling them about it are 2 different things though aren't they?

SecretlyLaughing · 09/08/2015 19:42

Ok, well I'm an Audi driver, so I too must be a wanker......nice! I'm not saying that people who separate cannot find a NEW partner!.....not at all, that would be a ridiculous thing to say or think. But my point is my friend hasn't found a new partner, she's still very much involved with the father of her four children, can you not see the distinction?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 09/08/2015 19:49

It never ceases to amaze me how many people are seemingly prepared to quiz others about their income and benefits and how many apparently get steamed up about other people's circumstances to the extent of posting bitterly on an internet forum.

revealall · 09/08/2015 19:52

But can you not see that they are actually and truly living in separate houses. That's it as far as the law is concerned.
You seriously think we have the right to investigate motives for every couple that splits up? What about trial separations? Who decides if the living apart is for valid reasons or not.
The only way is base it on actual facts. Living apart, which is what they are doing is legal.

SecretlyLaughing · 09/08/2015 19:54

I only "quizzed" her because I have spent over a year listening to her blatantly brag about how much money she has, how she has the best of the best for her chidlren. Now, if she had earned this money and had bettered herself after say a nasty separation (which she claims to others this is what has happened) then I'd be happy for her, I really would. But, as it stands she's lied, she's deceived and she's manipulated various sitsutions for her own personal gain, so you tell me how that is acceptable?.....

OP posts:
serenmoon · 09/08/2015 20:06

If it's bothering you then report them both to DWP and HMRC. Let those departments decide if they've done anything wrong and you can close that box and move on. Bring angry won't do anything on its own. If you think people are fleecing the system, then report.

Atenco · 09/08/2015 20:08

single patents, they work during the week, have their children in a free school club so only pick them up at 6-6.30pm. They have them in bed by 7.30pm so spend no quality time with them at all and then send them to tenor father's house from Frifay tea time through until Sunday tea time. I myself consider them to have it easy

I would hate that, as would any of my friends who have children. I'm sorry OP that you do not enjoy your children. Of course, if you friends stayed at home on benefits you would be complaining or if they didn't allow their children to see their fathers, they would also be bitches.

Seems like some people can't win.

ilovesooty · 09/08/2015 20:08

So you went on interrogating her after she "dodged a few questions" and "acted awkward" until she "admitted the truth".

You now don't want anything further to do with her - your prerogative of course. Whether she's acting ethically or not (and on a forum we obviously only have one side of it) I think I'd consider myself well shot of someone who thought friendship entitled them to interrogation and judgement on the internet.

Atenco · 09/08/2015 20:11

Doesn't matter if he has lots of contact or decides to spend his money on them
This

My dd is a single mother and the father of her child spends more time in her place with their dd than in his own. And, believe it or not, there is no fraud involved.

ilovesooty · 09/08/2015 20:12

Oh, and you disapprove of your hard working single parent friends too. How do they "have it easy" if their work and their partner's access mean they hardly get to see their children?

Atenco · 09/08/2015 20:13

Really why don't people worry about RBS being sold back to the people who ruined it for a billion less than was paid for it, instead of the odd possible benefit fraud. Or if they don't want to be political, just mind their own business

MizK · 09/08/2015 20:17

Op you don't seem to like your friends very much.
I don't disagree that your friend is being dodgy and playing the system for all its worth. I'm sure it will catch up to her eventually.

But you? You seem to spend your life counting your friends money and totting up whether they are good enough parents. You sound very dissatisfied. If you are so much better a person than all your friends, bask in that knowledge. Feel good about yourself rather than fuming away about what your mates choose to do.

SecretlyLaughing · 09/08/2015 20:17

I don't enjoy my children?......are you serious? I adore my children, they are my absolute world. They have competed both me and my dh, they are in general well behaved, we can take them anywhere etc and we have bother managed to hang onto our careers and still be us, so what's not to like?

OP posts:
chickenfuckingpox · 09/08/2015 20:18

funny how these threads always crop up around cutting time

amazing how these people never get caught despite the amount of threads about hmrc running people through hoops to prove they are single

love the way you describe your friend as a greedy entitled cow

being involved with a man does not mean its benefits fraud especially as she made him move out that it actually legal

being on benefits does not mean you cant have a holiday

i dont believe you about the new audi new to her maybe but brand new? no i dont believe you

PageNotFound404 · 09/08/2015 20:18

Why did you post, OP? You were clearly never going to consider your opinion unreasonable, regardless of anything anyone might have to say in response.

They are living separately. If she was claiming single person benefits and he was still living there then yes, she'd be committing fraud. But they are actually living apart.

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