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To think this isn't a joint party?

106 replies

TheOnlyReality · 06/08/2015 17:22

Dh is a twin and they are having a big birthday on Saturday. SIL asked ages ago if I would host a party and she would split the cost with us. I was happy to as we do usually have a summer BBQ and I usually love hosting.

The party is this weekend and at least 40 people are coming with an even split of our guests and theirs. I've just done the food and booze shop and despite buying bog standard burgers and sausages, with six bottles of wine and a bottle of Pimms it has come to £165.

SIL had told me she's bought three bottles of wine and some gin, ten burger rolls and is making a pasta salad so she'd like to give me £20 towards the food.

I haven't told her how much I've spent and dh won't let me, his argument is we usually do a party and it's too much hassle to claw it back from them.

I'm currently severely depressed (signed off work for the past six months) and I'm on a lot of medication so I'm not trusting any of my reactions at the moment. But I'm fucking fuming. I feel like we've been scammed, the party is twice the size it would have been if it was just us and any fule would no that forty guests would be pricey to cater for. I feel a bit humiliated by the twenty quid offer and want to invoice them.


OP posts:
guzzlewump · 06/08/2015 20:46

I'd be deliberately misunderstanding that it was £50 on top of the £20 and other bits she was offering...

I'd also get her to list out what she would expect to have to eat as an individual at the party - so that you can show how when it's scaled up you need so much more than she realises - particularly when she thinks what her dh (and thus the men!) can put away!

Do you know if any of her friends have been asked for food contributions if you think some of your friends will bring a bit of stuff - is she expecting that everyone will bring a plate so she won't have to?

Could you get your dh to have a word with bil to get a more equal contribution?

MrsBigginsPieShop · 06/08/2015 21:08

About £600 for 40 isn't too far of our mark tbh. About £15 on decent food and alcohol per adult. Maybe £30 on decorations, plates, condiments etc. Not sure I could warrant a grand!

MrsBigginsPieShop · 06/08/2015 21:11

Blushsorry. Just misread your £165 for £600. Ignore me Blush

SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires · 06/08/2015 21:13

I bet SiL will bring "a good bottle wine or whatever for herself".

So, you mustn't do this... after she's had a glass or two, decant the rest and replace with a cheaper version Wink

Janethegirl · 06/08/2015 21:17

I often do bbqs or similar for 20-40 people, never spent £1000 or even £600 doing it tho'.
We are often left with more alcohol than we started with although I always ensure there's at least half a bottle of wine available per person, plenty of beer and soft drinks.
The meat isn't too expensive as I tend to trawl the supermarkets and buy what's on offer! Always make my own burgers too as that way you can control size, seasoning, additional guest needs ie gluten free etc.

SugarOnTop · 06/08/2015 21:19

£50??? you're a mug op....and she's going to do take the piss out of you again in the future.

Doubtfuldaphne · 06/08/2015 21:21

This reminds me of a horrible joint party situation I had and I'm still fuming, after being ripped off terribly.
The main thing is planning together so this doesn't happen. IME it's always a nightmare.

KevinKnowsImMiserableNow · 06/08/2015 21:27


This is your crazy SIL who you have started many, many, many threads about detailing her batshitness in great detail, right?

Why on EARTH are you having a joint party with her? Haven't you learnt your lesson from your long and copiously detailed many, many negative dealings with her in the past?

KevinKnowsImMiserableNow · 06/08/2015 21:29

The one who heckled you at your wedding?

The one who you resent because she has lots of free childcare for her only child and then says she's having a 'rare child-free day'?

The one you have given many, many examples of unreasonable behaviour from in the past?

Now you want to know if she's behaving unreasonably? When has she ever behaved reasonably?

Floggingmolly · 06/08/2015 21:29

Tbf, if the party is this Saturday I think any further arguing the toss will just take the shine off it for op's Dh. Sometimes you just have to think of your blood pressure and admit defeat...

CakeNinja · 06/08/2015 21:33

We had a summer bbq a few weeks ago and it cost about £1,000 for 38 people!
Granted we had loads of booze leftover as most people brought some but we had also bought plenty of beers, spirits, fizzy and soft drinks.
Op, you've spoken out and are happy with the compromise. Don't be rushing into doing it again without a proper plan though!

GingerCuddleMonster · 06/08/2015 21:36

I'd be tempted to put £50 squids worth of food in a for we, not cook it or prep it and when SIL turns up, point to the corner and say "there's your share, I'll leave you to prepare it"

then I'd purchase a massive OTT cake with ONLY dh's name on it Grin

but I'm a cow.

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 06/08/2015 21:50

Definitely phone her tomorrow in a flap with a massive list of stuff you 'COMPLETELY FORGOT' to order - gherkins, ice cream, squirty mustard etc and you're SO BUSY scrubbing the house in readiness that you can't POSSIBLY find the time to make another trip to the supermarket and you'd HATE IT if any of her fellow freeloaders guests found your hosting skills lacking in fact you're getting yourself in a proper state about it because it's SO IMPORTANT to you that the boys have a REALLY GREAT DAY so could she be an ABSOLUTE SAVIOUR and pop down the Aldi or somewhere and pick up 20,000,000 things a few bits on her way over Grin

whois · 06/08/2015 22:11

Yeah I reckon for a minimal-food night time adult party (i.e. New year) it's about £20 per head for booze and stuff.

rollonthesummer · 06/08/2015 23:55

Is there a backstory to your relationship with this SIL?

TheOnlyReality · 07/08/2015 10:20

Oh there's a huge backstory, we get on ok most of the time but she is, well, an odd woman. For eg, she has been telling DH and BIL that their lives are over now they've hit 40, she is mid forties and it's all been downhill from then, they have nothing to look forward to other than old age. That kind of thing. She's very negative and obsessive.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 07/08/2015 10:37

Umm - she saw you coming a mile off OP.

She asked you to host so she could just sit back and let you do all the work.

And then offers you a paltry sum of money to cover it.

She's a sleekit besom by the sounds of it.

rollonthesummer · 07/08/2015 10:38

Possibly not the person to have agreed to host a large party for in your house then, OP?!

riveravon23 · 07/08/2015 11:21

My family (of 8) would probably eat all that between us if just having a nice BBQ on our own - we must be very greedy!

Also are your guests aware that they can only have a quarter of a bun each?

Janeymoo50 · 07/08/2015 11:25

I think you need more alcohol too!

MumOfOne14 · 07/08/2015 11:25

Yanbu!!! I would definitely mention something! It's completely unfair. I used to let people walk over me all the time, but thankfully my DH would not stand for it now!!

LeafyLafae · 07/08/2015 12:53

Don't forget to suggest a time for her to arrive to help set up & prepare for the BBQ hours in advance - the cheeky mare has offered a paltry contribution in the first place then increased it (but not substantially enough) so the least she can do is help with the prep!! Let her see it's not just a case of 'turn up & chill out, bask in the glory of the wonderful party she has arranged for her DH when she hasn't pulled her weight ' - she needs to contribute!!

Itsmine · 07/08/2015 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

enderwoman · 07/08/2015 13:42

I'd ask her to resend her text because she must have made some typos. 10 burger buns for 40? One bottle of Gin for 40? I'd tell her that instead of the 20 quid, you'd appreciate 10 bottles of wine or something specific like that. She's totally taking the piss.

SugarOnTop · 10/08/2015 14:03

how did the party go op?

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