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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No thank you for baby gift

104 replies

Jellylorum · 04/08/2015 17:11

I knitted a small blanket for an old school friend's second baby, nothing fancy but took a fair amount of time. The friend has moved across the country so I rarely see her but do stay in touch by text and phone. All she's done to thank me is send a brief text; this was six months ago. AIBU to expect more or should I just accept she's been busy and forget about being upset?

OP posts:

AuntyMag10 · 04/08/2015 18:57

Cards are a dying if not dead tradition. Really it's such a waste, do people really display these cards?
She thanked you already, she has far more important things to do than writing out cards.

ApocalypseThen · 04/08/2015 19:14

I know several people are still waiting for thank you cards from me for lovely gifts that they were kind enough to send. It bothers me daily. However, the baby has a head problem after a ventouse delivery and while it's getting better, I haven't gotten her photos yet for the cards - I just need it to be a bit better before I have her cards made.

There could be a specific reason that she's not that keen to get into.

Flisspaps · 04/08/2015 19:20

I don't know anyone IRL who sends, or expects, a thank you card.

I sent some out when DD was tiny, as MN gave me the impression I was committing a huge faux pas by not doing so - the recipients all looked at me like I'd come from another plant!

Flisspaps · 04/08/2015 19:20

*planet

ollieplimsoles · 04/08/2015 19:20

I think wedding thank you cards are more appropriate because people are sharing your day with you and have been kind enough to give you a gift too.

But if you expect a written thank you card for a new baby gift; Sheldon Cooper puts it the best:
"you haven't given me a gift, you've given me an obligation"

SpaceAdmiralRodcocker · 04/08/2015 19:24

Get over yourself OP

lemoncordial · 04/08/2015 19:28

I never sent any think you cards after having dd. Was just too bloody exhausted.

catsrus · 04/08/2015 19:28

I'm 60. I've never sent a thank you card in my life and can't recall ever receiving one. Just doesn't happen in my circles.

Definitelysometime · 04/08/2015 19:44

I wouldn't dream of not sending a thank you card for this. If you've spend hours, days even, knitting a blanket the least you should get is a quick hand written note. In my opinion.

But I think YAB a bit U for still worrying about it 6 months later. I'm not worried about receiving thanks for gifts, but would always send it for anything I've received

dexter73 · 04/08/2015 19:49

What's the difference between a brief text and a quick hand-written note? Why is the note better?

cashewnutty · 04/08/2015 19:53

I don't send cards to anyone for pretty much anything. Birthday cards are for my close family and one friend. I don't do thank you cards. DH does the Christmas cards as i would never get round to them. I pretty much hate writing anything, never mind cards which just get chucked in the recycling!

I am a huge fan of e mails and texts.

Original poster

Jellylorum · 04/08/2015 19:57

In my circle of friends we send and expect to receive cards but it seems we're probably in a minority judging from the responses here. I'm not quite sure why it seems 'better' than a text, but it's much nicer to receive and implies an extra level of effort IMO.

OP posts:

Definitelysometime · 04/08/2015 20:01

Yes it's the effort. A text takes none (though it's better than no thanks, of course) but taking time to put pen to paper, get a card, stamp, find the address etc does. It's a nice gesture, and people who go to the effort to send gifts deserve that much. I wouldn't expect one from a new mum though, and certainly wouldn't be pissed off if I didn't receive one.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 04/08/2015 20:02

as a crafter myself I have to accept the fact that people who don't craft have no idea how much time & effort & raw materials go into such handmade gifts.
there isn't really more to expect from the recipient than "thank you, what a lovely gift, very much appreciated"

if the text contained that, I'm sure your friend was sincere and grateful.
but with a small baby there is just so much to do, even if there are no additional problems like healing after giving birth, feeding problems or reflux, mastitis etc...

handwritten notes in the post is not something new mums should be worried about doing.

if you don't have children, please take it from those who know.
if you do, maybe you have forgotten!

well done for making such a special gift.
let me thank you on your friend's behalf "Thank you so much, you are a !"

Psycobabble · 04/08/2015 20:04

Ok I did thankyou cards after ds I was so overwhelmed by the thoughtfulness of people

But it's not something I see happen much these days and I actually do get pretty fucked off by the amount of wedding engagement kids birthday etc etc presents Iv bought n not so much as a bloody text !!!

So I'd take the text as a thankyou but wonder why you've not spoke. In 6 months ?!

Original poster

Jellylorum · 04/08/2015 20:09

We have spoken - I haven't been dwelling on it like everyone seems to imply but have just sent one to someone else so it reminded me.

OP posts:

Psycobabble · 04/08/2015 20:12

Ah right . No I see what you mean I guess that's just the way things seem to be these days , a quick impersonal text

minipie · 04/08/2015 20:15

YABU

Those saying a card is better as it takes more effort: think about the implications of what you are saying.

You are saying that you want your friend (with a new baby) to make an extra effort. If she says thank you the easy way, by text, that's not good enough, simply because it was too easy.

You are saying you want your friend's life to be that little bit harder. You want her to have to find a card, pen, stamp, post box. You are saying you deserve 30 minutes of her time rather than 2 minutes.

Frankly IMO a real friend wants to make her friend's life easier rather than harder, especially after a new baby.

molyholy · 04/08/2015 20:31

Yabu OP. You want her to prove how grateful she is for your gift, by sending you something, which shows you that she has gone to some effort. You should never give a gift with the expectation of receiving something. It then ceases to be a gift. A text is fine. Maybe next time you meet up, she can kiss your feet or something

Phineyj · 04/08/2015 20:51

I think this is a risk you run when you hand-make something, to be honest. My DM and my sister's DMIL both constantly sew and knit things and give them as gifts. They both make to professional standards and the things are usually lovely, however, I am sure they do it because it gives them pleasure. I'd be just as happy with something from M&S! I think it is important to acknowledge gifts - it's annoying when you don't know if they received it if it was posted - but the method doesn't matter. Also, if you have two under 3s, OP, you must know that a beautiful handmade baby blanket would never be used as it would inevitably be thrown up on or chewed? Make things for your own pleasure - you sound very talented.

DJThreeDog · 04/08/2015 20:56

YABU. She has thanked you.

Luggage16 · 04/08/2015 21:23

try and see it from her point of view - lovely as a handmade blanket is (and I really do think they are) maybe she already has several blankets so whilst a nice gesture it may not have seemed as amazing to her. She may also have been overwhelmed at this hand made thing she has no idea how to care for (with young babies who spit up a lot and have nappy explosions a blanket that needs anything more than shove in the washing machine may actually be an extra stress). Thank you cards take time and effort that she may just not have spare (especially if she has a pile of gifts from lots of friends and family). I can remember feeling really stressed by the number of people who messaged me asking for pictures of my first in the outfits they had bought her. On the surface this doesn't sound unreasonable but when you factor in how many people may have bought outfits and the fact babies often don't fit them straight away it really isn't so straight forwards! You have to remember who gave it to you, be in a position to take pictures when you put the baby in them and hope the baby is happy enough to get a picture that is reasonable enough to send. You may have to do this multiple times for multiple people who have given you gifts too. You may not even like the outfits etc as well - maybe the baby doesn't like the fabric or the buttons are fiddly or the outfit doesn't fit the current weather. It isn't that the gifts aren't appreciated but they may not stand out as well as you think (actually I think its quite rude to assume yours may be the only gift worthy of the extra effort of cards etc)

Personally I think a gift is a gift and you shouldn't be looking for anything in return. If people thank you great but if they haven't then don't get huffy with them. Gifts should come with no strings attached (I love the Sheldon quote above!!).

I say all this as someone who has created handmade gifts and agonised over special purchases and had no thanks at all in the past.

Stoneysilence · 04/08/2015 21:47

Maybe she didn't like the blanket that much, or doesn't use it, or didn't know it was handmade. Maybe it's been lost and she feels guilty. Maybe it was put away in the bottom of a drawer in those first few days and she's forgotten about it, and will be delighted (but wonder who sent it) when she finds it.

Maybe she loves it and thinks sending a text at the time to say thank you is enough. (Which it is, by the way).

Whatever, YABVU in still caring about this 6 months on. In future, don't make gifts for people if you are only going to be disappointed when their reaction isn't grateful enough for you.

Stoneysilence · 04/08/2015 21:54

You know, maybe people should indicate they require a thank you card when they send the gift, kind of like a party RSVP.

Dear friend
Hope you like the baby blanket
I handknitted it you know, it took me HOURS
Love,
Stoney
TYSVP (Thank you s'il vous plait)

TheNumberfaker · 04/08/2015 22:55

Thank you cards are for wedding gifts and for children to practise their handwriting in KS1.
A verbal or electronic message of thanks is juat as valid!

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