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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get why she can't stand on her own two feet?

125 replies

EvaU · 03/08/2015 18:10

Hey, this is about my SiL and how she quite clearly is taking advantage of me, Dh, and the family and I just want other's opinions as I might be overreacting. Let me just say from the off that I do like my SiL but in small doses, don't get me wrong she's a nice person I guess and she loves mine dh's three children to bits but she's a nightmare too.

She is a single parent to three children after a string of failed relationships over the years. Her kids are 11, 10 and 8, she doesn't work but is currently training to be a teaching assistant at college. She relies on benefits as her main income and gets around £900 a month in CSA from her children's fathers (they all have different dads). Now I'm not benefit bashing before anyone starts, I'm simply telling you how things are with her.

As she's been single for years she has come to rely heavily on my MiL, FiL and my other SiL for help with her kids and she regularly (I'm talking every week) asks to borrow money. She has now started to ask me and dh to lend her money and quite frankly I'm gettin sick of it.

She is not organised in the slightest when it comes to her life ie money, paying bills on time, meeting up at a pre are fed time, she's always late or doesn't show when we've made plans and the last few times my kids have stayed over at hers (they for stay often) they've come home saying they're starving and that there was no food in the house. As well as the asking to borrow money she is also asking for us to drive her places, and this too is becoming rather a regular occutance and just because me and dh have a car each (we have no choice not to as we both work) she thinks it's automatically a given that we'll chauffeur her about and it's not on IMO.

She is frequently asking for me and dh to lend her £20 here and there because she "forgot" a certain bill hadn't gone out and she'd spent all her money. She has text the other day asking can I lend her money for the bus fair to college but I know she has a monthly bus pass! Then she's making plans to come up to ours to have a BBQ and a few drinks or come round for a family gathering ie birthdays and she cancels saying she can't afford the taxi fare there and back, well I'm growing a little sick of it.

She thinks the whole world revolves around her and whilst usually I'll do anything to help anyone I'm sick of bailing her out. She says she has no money but then spends money on wine and having her hair done, manicures etc but her cuboards are always empty. How do you think I should deal with this as if she carried on asking for "favours" in this entitled and expectant sort of mannor then I'm going to snap.

OP posts:
LIZS · 04/08/2015 08:11

So you reply no, sorry. It doesn't have to get to you quite so much unless you allow it. However If her dd needed money today she should have set it aside before going out. If she now has none to give her she needs to say no to her dd, which may mean she cannot go and an unhappy child. If she can't do that then her children are as likely to grow up with similar attitude towards money. It sounds as if your sil may have some issues around planning ahead, and that you might be able to assist with if you and/or dh approach it carefully.

ssd · 04/08/2015 08:11

and in reply to your question, why doesn't she stand on her own two feet, well the obvious answer is cos she doesn't have to, her family seem to bail her out of everything.

OTheHugeManatee · 04/08/2015 08:14

YANBU, OP. Ignore all the virtue-signallers piling in to be competitively non-judgemental about this woman.

ElementaryMyDearWatson · 04/08/2015 08:15

I hope you're going to respond to that text asking how come she didn't keep back £15 from what she spent when she went out with her friends?

Obviously you need to sit down with her and lay it on the line that you are no better off financially than she is, so there is no point in continually coming to you for loans because you are going to say no every time. Then suggest that if she has difficulty in budgeting she goes to someone like Citizens' Advice and gets some help with it.

Original poster
EvaU · 04/08/2015 08:16

You're right! I just can't believe she's had the nerve to ask me when she knows that I'll be able to see all the pictures of her getting drunk plastered over Facebook.

OP posts:
ssd · 04/08/2015 08:18

she obviously doesnt care too much what you think op.

I'd treat her accordingly.

Original poster
EvaU · 04/08/2015 08:18

I've already text her back asking just that, her reply was "of I forgot de was going". How can you simply forget that your DC is going on day out that's been re arranged and all organised?......

OP posts:
ssd · 04/08/2015 08:21

you dont op, shes taking the piss and expecting you to pop round with the money in your hand and a cheery smile on your face

tell her to forget it.

Original poster
EvaU · 04/08/2015 08:22

It's a difficult one as I want us to get on for the sake of the kids and the rest of dh's family but she's a nightmare. I feel as though she likes playing the victim or the "struggling single parent" when infact she wouldn't be so if she just sat down and managed her money, and it's not as though she's thick or anything, believe it or not she's actually quite intelligent when she puts her brain into gear, so i have no doubt of her capability to sort herself out and manage her finances.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvaU · 04/08/2015 08:23

Well because she doesn't drive I've actually had to drive up with money in the past and then drive up to collect it again and it makes me feel awkward.

OP posts:
LIZS · 04/08/2015 08:25

Honestly debating this over a text is futile . The situation is presumably as she describes, chastising her at this point is not going to help. Say no now, offer help when the heat is out of the moment. Does she thrive on one crisis after another ?

daisydukes229 · 04/08/2015 08:26

It seems like she is struggling and you like looking down on her tbh. So what if her kids have different dads

You say "I don't get much help" but you state that your kids stay with her all the time.

ssd · 04/08/2015 08:28

why should the op offer help? she's got enough on her plate! her SIL is taking the almighty piss and will never grow up whilst everyone is falling over themselves to make her life easier.

its her kids I feel sorry for, no one else

ssd · 04/08/2015 08:29

they dont stay at the SIL's all the time, jeez what is it with some of you, why dont you RTFT?

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 04/08/2015 08:35

OP, you can't change other people.

So you will be happier if you can stop getting wound up about her behaviour, just try to serenely and consistently refuse if she asks for more than you feel able to give.

ElementaryMyDearWatson · 04/08/2015 08:42

Daisydukes, read the thread. OP doesn't say that her kids stay with her SIL all the time. They've stayed over around three times in 18 months.

Original poster
EvaU · 04/08/2015 08:49

Thanks Ssd I was just about to say the same. My kids DON'T stop at my SiL's all the time (approx three/four times in 18/19 months!) and in fact i have hers over at mine a hell of a lot more. I am not looking down at her for having multiple fathers to her children, I really do not care about that. And yes LizS she does appear to love a drama or a crisis and nothing we organise ever plan goes to plan. For instance a few years back it was my 30th birthday, my dh had arranged for us to go for a meal at my most favourite restaurant, he'd also invite all of our family including SiL. When we got there and she looked at the menu (outside were they have it displayed and whilst we was waiting for the rest of the party to arrive) she decided that the restaurant was too expansive for her and that she didn't have enough money on her so she'd have to go back home to get her cash card. Well as it turned out the restaurant policy was not to seat people until all the party had arrived so me and our 20+ family members were stood waiting at the bar for an hour and by the time we actually got our food it was 10pm and the restaurant closed at 11.30! So my birthday was ruined and did she care, nah did she heck!

OP posts:
suzanneyeswecan · 04/08/2015 09:02

I think she is using her financial incompetence as a way of controlling other people and making herself the centre of attention, she's drawing you in to her life and creating a sort of drama perhaps it makes her feel important?

But anyway by driving over with the money, by noticing that she posted on FB that she was out drinking and then questioning her you are feeding her need for attention.

Perhaps just disengage?
If she asks for a loan always reply with no, don't apologize or explain or try to justify?.
?

suzanneyeswecan · 04/08/2015 09:04

Who really has the power here?
Does she need you more than you need her??

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 04/08/2015 09:20

In the original post you say they for stay often with regards to your chn staying at hers, so that's why everyone is confused about how often they stay. I think you meant to write they don't stay often and the autocorrect has been at work! A reminder to us all about proof reading our posts!

To the poster who described many of the responses as competitively non-judgemental: yes I agree! I see this all the time on MN and you have just coined the perfect expression for it. People being almost deliberately obtuse in order to be the most worthy, earnest and supposedly supportive of the third party when in fact they're just using it as an excuse to be unpleasant and preachy to the OP.

An example being when the OP said her SIL gets £900 per month from the CSA and qualified that statement by adding the chn have different dads. She wasn't just saying it for the sake of it but in order to explain why it was such a lot. I guess she could have left it out but she would have then been asked why she got so much. And why can't she state it if it's true?! Is it offensive to say a woman has chn by different dads?!

LilyMayViolet · 04/08/2015 09:26

No idea why you have been given such a hard time by some here op.

DP and I help out loads of people (neighbours, friends etc) but we don't take kindly to people who take the piss and will not keep on giving money to people who clearly just can't be bothered to get organised. If your sil is able to afford manicures, hair dos and nights out with mates she should not be texting you asking for money for her kids/bus fares/bills. It's not fair and it's actually not helping her in the long run if you give in. Most people wouldn't dream of asking once a year let alone once a week.

Stick to your guns. Message her back "no, I can't spare £15 for your Dd and I can't keep lending you money, things are right here too".

ssd · 04/08/2015 10:44

exactly magical, thats a good way of putting it, all "the I'm so tolerant types but I'll stick it to the op at the end"

ElkeDagMeisje · 04/08/2015 11:11

As well as being financially inept, I would say her problem is also that she does not associate money with working. Or vice versa. But she has found a good solution (for her) for that - she has various avenues of getting money from not working, one of which is you and your DH. Its obviously not sustainable, and does her no long term good to keep indulging this (as well as being harmful for your own family and sanity). I think you have to do zero tolerance towards it. Although I suspect she will just find someone else to replace you.

Agree re the "competitively non-judgmental". I bet the posters are less saintly in real life too!

Pastaeater · 04/08/2015 11:27

Well said Magical.
OP, get your OH to sit down with his sister and explain nicely but firmly that you cannot afford to keep subbing her, but that you are both happy to help her work out a budget/sort out her finances. Make sure he is clear about NOT lending more money and then ignore all requests for cash. Maybe also get PILs to back you up if possible.
I know this sounds sanctimonious but you are not helping her in the long run by constantly bailing her out.

Preciousbane · 04/08/2015 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.