To not get why she can't stand on her own two feet?

[EvaU]

Hey, this is about my SiL and how she quite clearly is taking advantage of me, Dh, and the family and I just want other's opinions as I might be overreacting. Let me just say from the off that I do like my SiL but in small doses, don't get me wrong she's a nice person I guess and she loves mine dh's three children to bits but she's a nightmare too.

She is a single parent to three children after a string of failed relationships over the years. Her kids are 11, 10 and 8, she doesn't work but is currently training to be a teaching assistant at college. She relies on benefits as her main income and gets around £900 a month in CSA from her children's fathers (they all have different dads). Now I'm not benefit bashing before anyone starts, I'm simply telling you how things are with her.

As she's been single for years she has come to rely heavily on my MiL, FiL and my other SiL for help with her kids and she regularly (I'm talking every week) asks to borrow money. She has now started to ask me and dh to lend her money and quite frankly I'm gettin sick of it.

She is not organised in the slightest when it comes to her life ie money, paying bills on time, meeting up at a pre are fed time, she's always late or doesn't show when we've made plans and the last few times my kids have stayed over at hers (they for stay often) they've come home saying they're starving and that there was no food in the house. As well as the asking to borrow money she is also asking for us to drive her places, and this too is becoming rather a regular occutance and just because me and dh have a car each (we have no choice not to as we both work) she thinks it's automatically a given that we'll chauffeur her about and it's not on IMO.

She is frequently asking for me and dh to lend her £20 here and there because she "forgot" a certain bill hadn't gone out and she'd spent all her money. She has text the other day asking can I lend her money for the bus fair to college but I know she has a monthly bus pass! Then she's making plans to come up to ours to have a BBQ and a few drinks or come round for a family gathering ie birthdays and she cancels saying she can't afford the taxi fare there and back, well I'm growing a little sick of it.

She thinks the whole world revolves around her and whilst usually I'll do anything to help anyone I'm sick of bailing her out. She says she has no money but then spends money on wine and having her hair done, manicures etc but her cuboards are always empty. How do you think I should deal with this as if she carried on asking for "favours" in this entitled and expectant sort of mannor then I'm going to snap.

you've posted in AIBU, getting arsey isn't going to help here

she sounds selfish and wooh me

just tell her no

If her dc get free school meals it will be tricky for her to manage the extra cost in the holidays. Maybe she is used to buying for a week at a time and doesn't accumulate a larder full. Not sure why she's attending college in the summer though, that doesn't sound like a ta course, but at least she has some ambition. Agree you save the ability to say no to financial support but could assist in more practical terms for the benefit of the children . Do they spend time with their fathers?

Fair point, RamblingRosie.

I'm only getting "arsey" because people are nit picking at what I've said in my original post, and now I'm accused of being bitter! I'm not at all bitter why would I be? I'm happily married (most of the time) I have three gorgeous kids, a job I love and friends and family. I don't care if she gets help or not as long as she realises that me and dh have a lot on our plate and that we cannot offer the same amount of help that she gets from her mum and dad.

I think she is taking the piss, probably out of habit. She may have more disposable income than you do. I don't know why you are getting a hard time either.

You sound very bitter that she somehow has an easier time than you because you 'do it right'

It sounds like this is the real issue here. It's not a competition. We all have lives that are difficult in some areas, easier in others, focusing on it is a bit pointless imo.

If you don't want to/can't lend money then don't. You say "I'm afraid we can't" and you leave it at that. If your other family members choose differently then that's none of your business.

Thanks, I genuinely don't know why either. I can't always offer financial help, and i can't always offer practical help in terms of minding my nieces and nephews and people who have a child with additional needs won't need me to explain why. However I try my best but when I feel that my best isn't good enough for her and she aktinues to take liberties then yes, I'm going to get pissed off.

I don't care if she gets help or not as long as she realises that me and dh have a lot on our plate and that we cannot offer the same amount of help that she gets from her mum and dad

You don't NEED her to realise that, let it go! Just say no and leave it at that

That's my point though, I've said no on many occasions to lending her money (when we genuinely couldn't) and you'd of thought she'd get the message and realise that we are not made of money but no, she continues to ask and it's started to make me feel uncomfortable and kind of awkward.

why she can't/doesn't manage her affairs the same way as you do is none of your business though

if you don't want to give her money, don't

What does your dh think , presumably she is his sister and it is his family who are put upon.

Seems like she might be very bad with money. Sit down with her and help her make a budget plan, talk about strategies she can use to get through the month, how to have a system in place so bills don't come as a surprise, how to prioritise different expenses if need be.... Clearly she hasn't been able to do this by herself, and you'd be doing her a much bigger favour by helping her do this than by bunging here the odd 20 quid.

Erm it is my business if she's continuing to claim poverty and asking me to bail her out. My dh thinks the same as me and he sees how much his parent are put on by his sister and hates it.

'TLDR version.
AIBU to stop lending my SIL money? For context, it is very important that you know her children have different fathers.
hmm'

This ^

TLDR???

i missed the bit where she claimed poverty, i thought she was asking for £20 to pay the odd bill

Figure of speech! She's always "skint". She arranged with the family to do things then backs out at the last minute claiming to not have any money but then a couple of days later she's out on the town with friends.

is it possible she's got issues herself, OP?

reading between the lines i see a lot of resemblances in behaviour of my friend, she has recently discovered she has dyspraxia and dyslexia

she used to describe her own life as a 'car crash'

string of broken relationships, poor time keeping, appalling money management, social anxiety made her cancel numerous dates/appts with no recognisable pattern...

not saying PROBABLE, but possible..?

YANBU. I've known people like this. They will get used to having favours done and start taking it as a given. You need to start putting your foot down and being firm as clearly you've got your own battles to fight. In the long term you'll be helping her because it does sound like she has poor impulse control which really needs addressing.

Not sure why the OP is getting such a rough ride, her SIL does sound like a bit of a nightmare and it is awful being taken advantage of. I think personal attacks calling her bitter and lacking in compassion are very out of order and more than a bit hypocritical.

Just the impression I get from OPs posts. Talking about how SIL gets maintenance and help from her ILs etc, that's why I said bitter. It sounds that way. I don't see how that makes me a hypocrite?

This thread is a testament to the importance of proof reading - the OP has a number of what look like autocorrect mistakes - hence the confusion about how often kids stay over etc. Unfortunate, really - we've all been there.

It would annoy me if someone were constantly asking for cash I didn't really have to spare too, so on that basis I don't think YABU. For your own sanity, you probably need to mentally distance yourself from caring too much about how her parents help her or how she chooses to spend her cash (provided her dc aren't neglected). Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I do think if OP feels like SIL is asking too much then she needs to just say no. But I maintain that it's none of her business what other family members chose to do or not do for SIL.

Just to prove my point (that SiL is taking the pee and is irresponsible with money) I've woke to a text this morning sent at 2.30am asking if I can lend her £15 as she doesn't get paid until Thursday and she needs it to give to my niece as she's going to Blackpool with friends family today and she's forgot to give her some spends! BUT I've also woke up and been onto my Facebook page and SiL has been tagged by one of her friends with a group of friends out round town drinking and eating out at the local restaurant! But apparently she has no money.

she sounds like a PITA op, I'd say no to her without too much angst but then I'm a mardy cow.