To tell DP our relationship is not a RL porn movie?

[betenoire2012]

DP has been recently saying over and over that he wants a threesome and that he'd try and find a girl who'd be up for it.
Well, the thought of it makes me feel queasy. I'm the mother of his two young DC and having someone else involved in our intimate lives would seriously mess things up for me emotionally.
He's also obsessed with anal sex and is never just content to have "normal" sex.
I'm regularly made to feel like a complete prude even though I do partake mainly just to keep the relationship going. He often remarks that men have affairs if they're not given what they want in the bedroom.
There's no romance in the buildup to our sex and I feel like I could just be anyone.
I can't imagine being with DP for the rest of our lives as he wouldn't know what "making love" was if it came and bit him on the arse. For once I'd like sex to be more than him attempting his own amateur porn video (he doesn't film it thank god!!!).
I told him that he should have more respect for what I want in the bedroom (a fun, romantic experience) and for me I general since I'm the mother of his two children. Which went down like a lead balloon.
Oh, and last year he ordered me an Ann Summers hamper for Christmas four weeks after we'd had our baby son and I had the baby blues. Total disregard for my feelings, as sex at the time was the last thing on my mind.

Is it just my man that's like this or are all men like this to some degree?

Yes you need legal advice before you say anything to him about breaking up.

I take it you are French and wish to remain in France and he is British and would want to move to the UK if you split?

I'd be putting the DCs passports in a safe deposit box now.

Jesus fuzzywuzzy, you do know that asking for weird shit in bed and having a strop when refused is not sufficient reason for women's aid (or anyone) to remove someone (particularly the primary childrens carer) don't you?

The bloke seems to be a right twat but ffs keep it real. Where is the risk to OP or the children?

There is nothing about you that is worthless.

Breadwinner and mother to 2 dc? Sounds pretty amazing to me.

Your worth is not decided by some prick who is blackmailing you sexually.

He doesn't sound normal, not in his way of pressuring you to make his demands. Not in threatening you he will have an affair.

Anal sex, threesomes etc - fine for 2 happy consenting partners. Not fine otherwise.

And it's fine to not want that type of sex either, I would never have a threesome with DH, the father of my kids.

You can leave him and if you want, find someone who is compatible sexually. Who doesn't threaten you with infidelity. You never have to have anal sex again if you don't want to.

Do you have RL support if you leave him?

My second-ever mn LTB, OP.

He sounds fucking horrible.

Left one like this 13 years ago, would not have been surprised to see his name in print tied up in some "abuse" story of one kind or another.

Googled him last week out of curiosity - despite sharing his name with a famous cyclist - up popped this sex-freak all over a bunch of swinger's sites. Urgh.

Not normal. Every time he pressures you it is not normal. I would not be having sex with this guy at all any more frankly until he can retrain himself. I would be telling him the next thing he outright asks for or gives silent treatment for is never fucking happening again so he might want to think before he speaks/strops. I would drop the anal right now as it clearly does nothing for you. And tell him if he ever mentions a threesome again that's it, relationship game over.

Even if you do not feel able or ready to ltb, I think you should put down a few ground rules about sex. If he sulks, let him. Ignore any pathetic threats.

The Op has my complete sympathy as I've had this experience from the male side. after many years of violent sexual abuse by men and women, I do still enjoy sex but can't get into any 'rough sex'. all 3 of my long term partners have slept with other men because of this. It's very much the attitude that I should provide the rougher sex they're wanting or just suck up the other men. Unsurprisingly I'm single and intend to stay that way.

I'd advise the OP to 'get out' but understand things probably aren't that straightforward. Best of luck to you.

Actually, regular anal sex especially when you are not into it ie. properly turned on is a big physical risk.

Agreed AF. Big risk.

Oh bleurgh, he sounds fucking vile, sorry.

I'd tell him that, whilst he clearly doesn't realise it, his views on a lasting sexual relationship are seriously skewed. And that when he's grown up and stopped acting like a sex starved 18year old, he might just find a relationship. Then pack his bags.

Went out with somebody for a while once , , till he mentioned Swinging and 3somes and bought magazines of such , No No from Me . Don't care if people do that who enjoy it , horses for courses, but he is bullying you OP

You deserve the right to enjoy sex. If he knows you don't want to, and you're doing it anyway, and he doesn't care that you don't want to then he is a prick. I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that.

Plan his exit now OP.
Look up your legal rights in France and act in you and your childrens favour.
If he may be able to claim residence of the children as their main carer, make arrangements for them to be in child care now so that he then just becomes currently unemployed. Protect your house and make sure he has no claim on it so you don't all face homelessness.
Ensure you do the pick ups and drop offs, bed times etc. This may sound cynical and on one hand it is but on the other it gets your children into the routine they would have once you become a single parent so the transition isn't so hard for them.
Plan for him to play hard ball and be a complete cunt over every aspect from financial to contact and maintenance. That way if he does surprise you and act like a decent human being then you are pleasantly surprised. A legally researched back up plan is better than relying on a sense of decency which may evaporate in him as soon as your body is off limits to him.

Then once all your ducks are in a row you tell him its over and you already know how you can get him out with a minimum of fuss. It sounds mercenary but do you really want him to have the potential to destroy you and your childrens future in a childish strop over you not putting out enough and being a fuck toy?

He doesn't seem to care about your physical and emotional well being. You've told him the emotional damage involving others can cause does he know the medical damage as others have said anal sex can cause? Lots of porn stars who do anal regularly end up having to get rectal reconstruction and have problems with anal seepage.

Reality we clearly have very different levels of tolerance, I feel a man who coerces his partner into sex/sex acts, no matter what kind (could be plain old missionary) poses a risk. Calling women's aid to ask for advice is perfectly reasonable especially as OP is asking if it's her fault.

If OP wants to know her options, I do not believe 'paying' such a person to leave is fair on the OP. She should use all resources available to her to find out her rights and have people in RL enforce that she is not the 'prude' or in the wrong in any shape or form.

Personally I would not wish for my children growing up with such a man as a role model either.

But then I have very little to no tolerance for being treated badly.

Blimey, what did you learn about sex/relationships when you were younger if you think there's the faintest chance most men are like this to any extent.

Agree with the others. He is sexually and emotionally abusing you. Time to get out of this.

If it were me (and I know you aren't me) the first time a bloke tried this crap I'd get the Anne Summers website up, go to the strap on dildo page, and call him over to help choose one. saying it's my fantasy to regularly use a strap on and take him up the arse. What? You don't want to? what a prude! You know women have affairs when their partners don't satisfy their sexual fantasies.

And THEN pack his bags and chuck him out.

He's raping you, OP. He is. He is coercing you into intercourse that you don't want. This is NOT normal.

It's not often you come across a man with no moral compass at all.

Sadly OP you have.

Sort out your legal position to safeguard the children then get shot of him.

Well it's all come to a head this evening. He said I'd spoiled our holiday as we were meant to be making up for lost time in the sex department as the kids aren't around. He said "you're a fridge" (juvenile, non?) and "stiff as an ironing board". I said other couples we know the man respects the partner and he said "well that's because they look after their man and you don't". I said having a full time job while he doesn't work is bloody well looking after him and he said "but in the bedroom department you're not". Save to say I'm off out this evening on my own but dreading the flight home tomorrow to see the kids...

I'm so sorry OP. I wish you the best of luck. You deserve to be respected, not degraded.

What a completely selfish tosser op.

Other peoples partners respect them, not because they "look after them in the bedroom" but because love, trust and mutual respect are integral components in an adult relationship.

For example my Dh loves blow jobs and loves the feeling of cuming inside my mouth. I gave it a shot and the taste didn't bother me but the feeling of his penis ejaculating made me feel like vomiting.
Did he moan I wasn't looking after him and threaten go go elsewhere?

No.

He said it was a massive turn off that I wasn't into it and he would rather fantasize about it while having a wank than have me do something I wasn't comfortable with. So he gets incomplete blow jobs but it either progresses on to sex or finishes another way.

This is not normal and other partnerships do not work this way. You are having confirmed what you already know but he is trying to brainwash you is a fallacy.

You are a fridge and as stiff as an ironing board as he puts it because he doesn't treat you as a human being with real feelings, sex is all about him and he may as well be fucking an ironing board for all the care he puts into it.
No one treated that way would be up for anything of a sexual nature with this cock womble.

It's not you, it's him.

You have to feel loved and appreciated to fancy someone enough to want to have sex with them, I find. If he was a bit more of a man and less of a child he'd know this. I'm sorry for you but please don't waste anymore of your life on this person.

Say yes to a threesome but with another man and your fantasy is to see your DP fucked up the arse. Watch it, enjoy it and then pack his things and tell him to get out and start living your life without him.

No, this is not normal behaviour towards a partner and the mother of your children. You deserve so, so much more. You already say that you can't imagine spending the rest of your life with this man, so don't waste any more precious time.

Yeah, you need to leave. Also, although I think men have had their expectations raised through internet porn in the last 15 years or so, it's definitely not normal to pester you to the extent he's doing. What a horrible, horrible bastard.

Before LTB (which you should definitely do), you could shut him up by saying that he can have anal as long as you get to peg him mercilessly first... should cool his ardour