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Original poster

To tell DP our relationship is not a RL porn movie?

111 replies

betenoire2012 · 03/08/2015 08:54

DP has been recently saying over and over that he wants a threesome and that he'd try and find a girl who'd be up for it.
Well, the thought of it makes me feel queasy. I'm the mother of his two young DC and having someone else involved in our intimate lives would seriously mess things up for me emotionally.
He's also obsessed with anal sex and is never just content to have "normal" sex.
I'm regularly made to feel like a complete prude even though I do partake mainly just to keep the relationship going. He often remarks that men have affairs if they're not given what they want in the bedroom.
There's no romance in the buildup to our sex and I feel like I could just be anyone.
I can't imagine being with DP for the rest of our lives as he wouldn't know what "making love" was if it came and bit him on the arse. For once I'd like sex to be more than him attempting his own amateur porn video (he doesn't film it thank god!!!).
I told him that he should have more respect for what I want in the bedroom (a fun, romantic experience) and for me I general since I'm the mother of his two children. Which went down like a lead balloon.
Oh, and last year he ordered me an Ann Summers hamper for Christmas four weeks after we'd had our baby son and I had the baby blues. Total disregard for my feelings, as sex at the time was the last thing on my mind.

Is it just my man that's like this or are all men like this to some degree?

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 03/08/2015 09:17

I would be willing to bet he loses interest in the DC once he realises you are serious about ending the relationship. He is using you.

MaryBerrysEyelashes · 03/08/2015 09:17

To pay him to go?

3littlefrogs · 03/08/2015 09:19

Why on earth would you have to pay him to go?
What does he contribute to the household costs?

TheoriginalLEM · 03/08/2015 09:20

He sounds vile. We used to have a very adventurous sex life, im sure i could have made a fortune had we filmed it (and we were less whale like!) but interspersed with the acrobatics we did the affectionate "love making" too. Never any pressure - as it should be.

Tell him he is welcome to have a threesome, but he is going to have find two partners to do it with, in fact, he needs to find somewhere else to live.

Please respect yourself more.

mrsallergy · 03/08/2015 09:20

He's not a cunt - that would suggest a warmth and depth of which he is not capable.

Honestly, OP, i have never met a man who sounds this vile. Get rid.

Jackie0 · 03/08/2015 09:23

Omg , he's a horrible man.
What on earth are you doing with him?

Lavenderice · 03/08/2015 09:24

Buy him a blow up doll and turf him out.

VacantExpression · 03/08/2015 09:26

I don't know how you have put up with this long enough to have two children. This is not a loving relationship OP, real men are nothing like your partner.

ShelaghTurner · 03/08/2015 09:29

I usually steer clear of relationship advice but he sounds utterly disgusting. You are worth far more than this.

AuntyMag10 · 03/08/2015 09:30

Oh op you can do so much
Better. Where is he getting time to watch all this porn? Not while he's looking after the kids I hope. You are the mother of his kids and he has zero respect for you. You need to leave him.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 03/08/2015 09:30

Another voice saying, No, this is not normal.

Putting aside his threats that he'll have an affair if you don't do sex acts you don't enjoy, his pressure on you to resume sleeping with him soon after giving birth and his total unwillingness to listen to you (and that's a lot to put aside), he also sounds like he's simply rubbish in bed and has no interest at all in your pleasure, only in his own.

Sex is not something that is done to you, it's something that is done with you, and that's a really important distinction. His attitude to you is really vile, and I know I would not be with someone who would not listen and respond to my needs.

Please stop doing things you don't want to. No one ever has a right to use your body like that.

browneyedgirl86 · 03/08/2015 09:33

This is not normal. His attitude is disgusting. He has no respect for you. Please don't do anything sexually you don't want too and think long and hard about your future with this man.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 03/08/2015 09:38

He is coercing you into a sexual relationship that doesn't make you happy. Unfortunately we are conditioned by society to please men, well fuck that for a game of soldiers. You deserve so much more. I suggest you start saying no and mean it.

Mrsjayy · 03/08/2015 09:45

He sounds disgusting im sorry but he just does blackmailing you into sex you dont want saying things like all men have affairs is revolting has he always been like this ?

Achangeisadgoodasarest · 03/08/2015 09:45

No this is not normal. Get him out as quick as you can!

And I don't want to alarm you, but are you sure he's not filming you? Have you checked his laptop / hard drive? Are there any memory sticks in his drawers/ wallet/ other secret place?

He's treating you like dirt and you deserve better OP

BertieBotts · 03/08/2015 09:47

Not normal. He is a sexually abusive twat. I have been with some men like this (note past tense) but not to that degree, and since I realised it wasn't normal, I've only dated men who are nothing at all like this. Sex is great because (surprise!) it's actually fun when they care about whether you consent and are enjoying it Confused

And yes where he lives when you kick him out is totally his problem.

RoboticSealpup · 03/08/2015 09:49

Dear OP, it hurts me to read this as I have had a very similar experience (though there were no children.) More than ten years later I'm still angry with myself for not leaving earlier, and I still hate his guts and fantasize about hurting him even though I haven't had any contact since. That's probably not very healthy, but it's the truth.

Being with someone as damaged as this (because that's what he is), is a losing game. If you give in to his humiliating demands, you feel like crap. If you don't, he will try his best to make you feel like crap. The outcome, either way, is never a happy one for you.

With regards to the old "all men are like this"... I know how easy it is to believe these lies. But please believe when I say that such men are in fact a small minority. I'm now married to an absolutely amazing DH who loves and respects me more than anything in this world. Sex is something we do together, not something he does to me, or "gets" from me!

I really hope you have the strength to leave. For you, and for your children. Think of what it will do to them to grow up with a father who treats their mother like a thing that exists for his pleasure.

I wish you the very best Flowers

3littlefrogs · 03/08/2015 10:00

I had a friend whose DH used to watch porn on his computer when he was looking after their DD. He is now her ex DH. He was a very unpleasant man, obsessed with sex. I never felt comfortable around him.

gymbummy · 03/08/2015 10:01

I think this is beyond something you can talk about and work through as a couple. This man has no respect for you. I can't imagine he is a different man outside the bedroom which means that your children are being exposed to this vile, misogynist and will come to see his behavior as normal.

I know I'm over simplifying this, but, wouldn't you rather your children have a strong confident, single mother who is no prepared to settle for this crap? You don't have to settle for this, give yourself a chance to find a real man.

Ledkr · 03/08/2015 10:01

Just echoing what others have said.
I'm a wise old bird and have been married twice and had lots of relatjonships and not one of the men (some complete arseholes too) have behaved like this regarding sex.
My only advice would be to decide whether u want to stay on this hideous relationship or get out, if it's the latter then start looking at your options and make a good plan.

OrangeVase · 03/08/2015 10:05

That is awful for you OP. No-one should be coerced into having sex that they don't like. His behaviour isn't normal. His disregard of how you feel is the key factor in this - not the porn per se.

Maybe think about leaving now while you are financially fine and your kids are still young. You have the chance to find someone with whom you a have a good relationship in which you are valued.

MammaTJ · 03/08/2015 10:22

My DP, a man with a high sex drive, is going without atm, because I am in pain due to fibroids. So no, not all men are like this.

I would not put up with anyone even trying to control me to this level. It's all threats and coercion, not about mutual satisfaction at all.

Please do not stay with him, even if his behaviour improves, his mindset never would.

yorkshapudding · 03/08/2015 10:28

You don't pay him to go. Why should you? You tell him to go. You have a choice to be with him or not (just as it should be your choice whether to engage in anal sex ect. or not) so if you want to end the relationship, that should be enough. Don't let him use this as a way to extort money from you! If he refuses to go, you call the police.

Athenaviolet · 03/08/2015 10:28

You've answered this yourself I can't imagine being with DP for the rest of our lives

Leaving is always better sooner rather than later.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 03/08/2015 10:32

No one worth being with would make you feel this way. You need a man who loves and respects you. Leave him, you can do so much better than him x