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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my reaction to kids picking on my 4 year old

125 replies

Crazedmother100 · 03/08/2015 00:00

I'm wondering if I have behaved very badly. We are on holiday at the moment at a caravan site. 4 year old has been allowed to play outside our caravan this year but obviously has been given ground rules not to go past where we can't see him and he has been good sticking to the rules. He has generally scooted up and down and played in his tent so I didn't see a problem until now.

Unfortunately, he is at that lovely stage of life where he thinks everyone is good and wants to be his friend. I know I did wrong but I took my eyes off him for 5 minutes while I was cooking and he went up to a bunch of older boys (aged between 8-11 I would guess) on their posh scooters with his Thomas the tank scooter and started talking to them. They were really horrible to him. They told him to get lost. He asked them why they were saying that to him and they started chanting things at him. He told them he was 'not their friend' which is his biggest insult and they just burst out laughing at him and all starting singing 'go away'. He came running back very upset and not wanting to go out to play.

I had to coax him out today, I told him it was my fault as I was not watching and some children were not nice but I would watch and make sure he was ok. All good until the group came back and right infront of me, one went up to my son and said to him 'I have a song for you' - my son said 'what is it?' and he pointed in his face and sang 'go away' with the rest of them laughing. I lost it. I screamed at them. I told them how dare they come infront of our caravan to tell him to go away. I'm embarrassed now but I told them this was my child's patch to play on - not theirs , that they were 'vile'. They didn't say anything but quickly scooted away. They have not been back since but one of the dad's has walked past and glared into our caravan. I can't sleep for thinking about it. I wanted to show my son I was on his side but I should have handled this better shouldn't I?

OP posts:

Stanky · 03/08/2015 20:28

Awww scratchandsniff. :( Glad they got told off by their parents. Sounds like they nipped it in the bud.

Stanky · 03/08/2015 20:37

I stopped taking dc to a certain soft play centre near us, because I was fed up of parenting other people's dc for them. The children there were very aggressive and badly behaved, but the parents were not supervising them at all. These were chunky toddlers thinking it was great to go around thumping, shoving, pinching and biting younger babies, and pulling their hair. How are they to know how to behave if their parents don't tell them? I really got fed up of saying "Please don't do that....That's not nice....We don't hit..." to other people's dc! All the while they're sat out of sight drinking coffee and playing on their phones, completely oblivious to what their little ones are up to.

tarashill · 04/08/2015 11:45

I've come across this in soft play centres too. Some of the parents are terrible,totally oblivious to what their kids get up to, but quick to jump to their defence if they run to complain about being told off.

Stanky · 04/08/2015 20:17

Right tarashill. Nightmare.

Lymmmummy · 04/08/2015 23:48

Kids got what they deserved the little sh*ts - yes bigger boys don't want to play with young kids but deliberately going back to taunt him - pathetic - at least they have had their card marked - well done you - and what an unpleasant situation to have had to deal with for you both -

tilliebob · 04/08/2015 23:55

I'm afraid that the temper that rises in me when someone is mean to my dcs is a force of nature. When it first happened to me years ago when DS1 was small, the strength of emotion I felt scared the hell out of me. I guess it's the whole mother tiger protecting her cub thing.

I'm afraid that when I do respond it's in teacher mode. DH will let anything go for a quiet life, and more than once had said "You can't say that!" Well, yes, I can, and I do and usually get paid for it whilst doing it. However these are few are far between as I have learned the hard way that your dcs need to learn to fight their own battles and respond to things themselves.

Hellionandfriends · 04/08/2015 23:55

My kids play in mixed age groups and get on.

DancingDinosaur · 05/08/2015 00:02

I wonder if the kids told their dad a different story. Fwiw I would be very disappointed in my 8 yr old if she had behaved like that. I'd want to know what had really happened if she had come back with some story. You could have a word with the dad but you may not get the response that you should.

306235388 · 05/08/2015 00:15

I have an 8 year old and a 4 year old. If my 8 year old behaved like that he would be in enormous trouble BUT I can't imagine he would. However if he did he'd confess and panic and be upset!!! Quite a few of his peers though I could imagine and have seen behaving like this and they lie to their parents or their parents think it's normal.

However, I do think you handled it badly BUT don't beat yourself up, what's done is done.

I know 8 year olds seem all grown up when your kid is 4 but they're not really. They're at an awkward inbetweeny stage and sometimes behave stupidly.

Also your 4 year old needs to know some people are mean but it's not something to panic and worry about.

I would have said after day 1 nothing more than 'oh we'll never mind just don't go near them again' and after day 2 Id have spoken firmly to the kids and asked them if they would like being treated like that and told them I would complain to their parents if anything like it happened again.

Chances are the older kids are just hyper and showing off but they shouldn't behave like that or treat your Ds like that.

It does toughen them up though as sad as it is. My Dd is used to playing with ds and his friends and is much more 'resilient' socially than he ever was.

Lovelydiscusfish · 05/08/2015 00:22

My dd (3) has been lucky enough (so far) to encounter only kindness from the older children she knows. It means so much to her, she thrives on it (indeed she cried bitter tears on Sunday, when we took her home from our friends' house, where she'd spent hours being dressed up as a princess, and generally being given a full faux-medieval experience, by their lovely tween daughter).
None of the older children we've come across have been rude to her as a toddler. At worst they've been politely indifferent. Many have been extremely kind to her.
So not only were you NBU. I think the behaviour of these kids was exceptionally horrible. I hope they took your message (of justified outrage at their unkindness) on board, and think long and hard before they behave so unkindly in the future.

FishCalledWonder · 05/08/2015 00:40

My DD is 3 and often bounds up to older kids, wanting to play with them. I have no problem with a 9 year old boy ignoring her or walking away because he doesn't want to play with a 3 year old. Fair enough.

I would have an enormous problem with him laughing at her and returning later to taunt her. In fact, I imagine my reaction would be something he would remember for a very long time.....

littlejohnnydory · 05/08/2015 12:28

Those who said '8 and 10 year olds obviously don't want to play with a 4 year old' - why not? My ds is almost 8 and plays really well with little ones. He has friends of all ages. But not wanting to play is different from bullying and if my ds behaved like that, he would be in enormous amounts of trouble and not allowed out to play any more. Not that he would ever do that.

Also, if an adult shouted at my child I would go and talk to them to find out what happened. I'd prefer them to talk to me rather than shout at my child and I'd give the bollocking myself but in this situation I'd have no sympathy and would be on the side of OP - and my child would get a second, much worse bollocking along with serious consequences.

Coffeemarkone · 05/08/2015 12:30

well done that mother.

Coffeemarkone · 05/08/2015 12:34

parents are like this, as I recall, and nobody else is allowed to tell off their little darlings.

Never forget two YEAR TWO boys jumping up and down on my bins, flobbing enthusiastically at my son, then shouting at me 'you cant tell us off, your not our mum'.

Thank the good Lord for that, I said...

Horrible children.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 05/08/2015 15:19

How horrible. I don't blame you for being so angry. As someone who was mercilessly bullied and picked on from a similar age it really upsets me. My ds is 11 and is fantastic with younger children. He wouldn't dream of treating someone so cruelly. He gets involved in babyish games and will happily be the one to get down on his knees and play at their level. All the little ones on our avenue gravitate towards him and random kids run up to him in the playground to hug him or say hi. Actually they do that with my 9 yo dd too. His teacher always comments on his maturity and refusal to be sucked into petty behaviour. He also would grass up a bully without a second thought. It makes me sad to realise that there are children of a similar age who do this. You know not to behave that way at that age. I've never understood what bullies get out of it.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 05/08/2015 15:20

Ooh sorry for waffling op.

Imnotbeingyourbestfriendanymor · 05/08/2015 15:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madeitagain · 06/08/2015 08:03

Really sorry this happened to you. It sounds so upsetting. Things like that do settle. I understand it is difficult when you see these people again but I understand why you shouted at the children. Belief me things will calm down. It might take a while. Don't beat yourself up it was a natural reaction.

hackmum · 06/08/2015 08:36

I think you behaved entirely reasonably. The boys were behaving very badly and upsetting your son and you gave them a good telling off. There is no excuse for being mean to a four year old child. And I don't hold with this idea that you shouldn't tell off other people's kids - that way madness lies.

Tryharder · 06/08/2015 08:45

I don't think you can blame the Dad of the boys.

The boys - as someone pointed out already- obviously sent back to their caravan and said you had shouted at them for no reason. They are hardly going to go back and say oh yes we were bullying that 4 year old...

I would say 'meh' TBH. The more of an issue you make of it, the more it will become an issue. Big kids have always picked on smaller kids. They'll probably all be playing nicely by next week.

If the dad glares again, just smile back and say morning. If he's not actually a Neanderthal, you might want to say oh I had to have a word with the boys the other day, they were picking on my son and singing nasty songs, hope that's ok...'

tobysmum77 · 06/08/2015 08:49

Yanbu op.

I think you can blame the dad, I would be if dd complained someone shouted at her for no reason. So she would keep her mouth firmly closed in this situation in case I went to find out the other side of the story.

Unfortunately a lot of parents object to anyone saying anything to their little darlings however they are behaving.

coffeenowalnuts · 06/08/2015 09:35

You did well. It's the kind of thing where you'd have been stewing for ages wishing you'd said something. At least I know I have.
At their ages they knew they were doing wrong, and they deserved to be shouted at. The only thing that makes the father U is that he glowered at you through your door instead of coming to talk. Some people just really do not care in the slightest what their children get up to, they only care that they are not bothered by any of it.

Nabootique · 06/08/2015 10:02

I would absolutely have done the same thing. I understand 11 year olds not wanting to play with a 4 year old, but they were beyond horrible. Totally unnecessary, especially the next day. Wankers. Old enough to know what they were doing as well.

TattyDevine · 06/08/2015 10:07

You know what OP, when nobody else behaves 100% perfectly all the time, why the fuck should you?

YANBU

Nabootique · 06/08/2015 10:13

I wish there was a "like" button for Tatty's post.

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