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AIBU?

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Original poster

my reaction to kids picking on my 4 year old

125 replies

Crazedmother100 · 03/08/2015 00:00

I'm wondering if I have behaved very badly. We are on holiday at the moment at a caravan site. 4 year old has been allowed to play outside our caravan this year but obviously has been given ground rules not to go past where we can't see him and he has been good sticking to the rules. He has generally scooted up and down and played in his tent so I didn't see a problem until now.

Unfortunately, he is at that lovely stage of life where he thinks everyone is good and wants to be his friend. I know I did wrong but I took my eyes off him for 5 minutes while I was cooking and he went up to a bunch of older boys (aged between 8-11 I would guess) on their posh scooters with his Thomas the tank scooter and started talking to them. They were really horrible to him. They told him to get lost. He asked them why they were saying that to him and they started chanting things at him. He told them he was 'not their friend' which is his biggest insult and they just burst out laughing at him and all starting singing 'go away'. He came running back very upset and not wanting to go out to play.

I had to coax him out today, I told him it was my fault as I was not watching and some children were not nice but I would watch and make sure he was ok. All good until the group came back and right infront of me, one went up to my son and said to him 'I have a song for you' - my son said 'what is it?' and he pointed in his face and sang 'go away' with the rest of them laughing. I lost it. I screamed at them. I told them how dare they come infront of our caravan to tell him to go away. I'm embarrassed now but I told them this was my child's patch to play on - not theirs , that they were 'vile'. They didn't say anything but quickly scooted away. They have not been back since but one of the dad's has walked past and glared into our caravan. I can't sleep for thinking about it. I wanted to show my son I was on his side but I should have handled this better shouldn't I?

OP posts:
Lagoonablue · 03/08/2015 07:57

Probably should have calmly said 'you are older boys picking on a little boy and that is horrible. Please go away and do not come back or I will find your parents and explain that you have been bullying a little kid.' However I would probably have shouted at them too!

bearleftmonkeyright · 03/08/2015 08:05

I think what you did was understandable but if it ever happens again try and keep your composure but still remain firm. This will help if you have to deal with parents, who I doubt have got the full picture. They have to learn that their behaviour is wrong, but in my experience from years of being a Midday screaming at kids never helps them or you or the child that has been wronged. But you must right it off now. What you did was part of an urge to protect you child.

NobodyLivesHere · 03/08/2015 08:08

I have children between 8-12 and they would never behave that way toward a 4 year old. Ok, the oldest one isn't always Keen on playing with her little sister but she wouldn't dream of purposely taunting a younger child.

I'd have told them to do one in no uncertain terms too OP

bearleftmonkeyright · 03/08/2015 08:14

Nobody, my dc are that age too and I doubt they would act like that either. But all kids have to deal with this sort of thing at some point and as understandable as op's reaction is it will not help any child to ahrug things off and move on by screaming at other kids. I think op knows that her reaction was extreme.

LittleLionMansMummy · 03/08/2015 08:17

I have a sociable 4yo ds too and the thought of this happening breaks my heart. I have honestly never come across this kind of behaviour from older children on caravanning holidays - they have all been lovely and welcomed him, though we do also explain to ds that he might like to find children closer to his own age to play with. I would have definitely said something to them, although wouldn't have screamed. I would then have explained to ds that older children like doing different things to younger children, but that what they had said and done was wrong. I want my ds to be a kind older boy who knows this behaviour is wrong. Then I'd distract him and maybe point out other younger children.

pinktrufflechoc · 03/08/2015 08:20

Whatarethose, unfortunately the poster is right.

I feel for OP Flowers but I actually think petals post is most accurate. The more of a fuss we make over something the more of a fuss DC do.

My mum used to react like this whenever another kid upset me (I was the longed for baby after many years of trying!) and she just couldn't stand to see me upset but it meant every playground spat or squabble was blown up into mammoth proportions and kids DO laugh at adults screaming and losing it.

You can say in a very stern voice 'do NOT come over here and speak to my son!' I'd also be inclined to have a word with the dad - as someone else pointed out, it's unlikely the lad went home and said he'd taunted a 4 year old!

Madam is right as well that around friends they can be worse as they egg each other on.

lucylooloo · 03/08/2015 08:20

YANBU

19lottie82 · 03/08/2015 08:26

MadamArcatiAgain Of COURSE these kids are bullies! Are you actually serious? They are 8/9, and that's old enough to know the difference between right and wrong! I admit that yes, most older kids don't want a 4 year old hanging around, but they can just ignore him, they don't have to approach HIM to taunt him!

The thing is, kids like this are always happy to bully little ones when they're in a pack, but when they're on their own, they wouldn't dare. They like to act the big one, but when they're confronted by an adult, especially on their own, they're not so tough.

OP, you did the right thing. I do think you should go and see their parents and explain what happened so they know the full story, as chances are they only heard half of it from their child.

Hellionandfriends · 03/08/2015 08:26

It just seems to me that you lost your rag briefly. You can have a speech prepared for next time as that would be better. However standing there saying nothing would have been the worst

Hellionandfriends · 03/08/2015 08:27

8/9 can be bullies I agree. They are old enough to know better

Hellionandfriends · 03/08/2015 08:27

Next time go see the parents

mrsdavidbowie · 03/08/2015 08:30

I understand your reaction but as you know, in hindsight, it was OTT.
A stern word with them followed up by a visit to parents would have been better.
Screaming at them in front of DS escalates the situation.

youarekiddingme · 03/08/2015 08:33

Goodness no ywnbu.

You set your DS boundaries, he stuck to them. Had the confidence to approach some older children and befriend them. IME that's pretty much the norm at caravan sites. He wasn't to know the children would react in such a nasty way.

Would you have stopped him approaching them if you had been watching him? Ok, you could have intervened when they started on him but you dealt with it brilliantly. And also in Primary school there's children of that age mix together all the time.

I would have been firm (possibly shouted) at children that came onto my pitch to pick on my DS.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday.

pinktrufflechoc · 03/08/2015 08:36

Children of those ages don't tend to mix in primary schools, do they?

That would be years 4-6 mixing with nursery and reception.

youarekiddingme · 03/08/2015 08:48

They don't tend to mix - no. But it wouldn't be tolerated for older years 4/5's approaching the reception pupils to sing rude songs in their face or be generally unkind.

Nettymaniaa · 03/08/2015 08:49

glare back. Kids were horrible they came and targeted your son you told them to stay away. End off.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 03/08/2015 08:50

YANBU. I basically cried when I read this (I have a 4 year old DS as well) it's so sad poor little mite.

If you come across the dad might be worth saying you're sorry you lost your (rag you don't have to mean it, because I wouldn't be) but it was the second occasion they had be awful to your little boy. He's only going on what his little shit son has told him, which is probably "the mean lady shouted at me for no reason"

Notso · 03/08/2015 08:58

OP did not deal with it brilliantly youarekiddingme I don't think screaming at children and calling them names could ever be called dealing with them brilliantly.

Smudgeandpudge · 03/08/2015 09:01

Nope, sounds fair enough. If you bully someone less powerful than you, don't be surprised when the same happens to you. Serves them right.

redexpat · 03/08/2015 09:01

I am pretty sure that they will think twice before doing it again! It takes a whole village and that. Is that really the first time you found mother bear?

pinktrufflechoc · 03/08/2015 09:09

I definitely wouldn't apologise to the dad but I would make him aware of what happened.

One reception aged child going up to a group of Y5's might well be subject to some ridicule which isn't right and children absolutely need to be taught it is completely unacceptable but I don't think this was necessarily a group of delinquents - more likely showing off in front of one another.

Preteens are a funny age and they hate anything deemed 'babyish'.

19lottie82 · 03/08/2015 09:28

Preteens are a funny age and they hate anything deemed 'babyish'.

maybe so, but that doesn't give them the right to bully and be cruel to 4 year olds. they KNOW this is wrong. As I already said, they are all so big and hard when in a group, but they wouldn't dare try it alone. (the same as most bullies)

ReadtheSmallPrint · 03/08/2015 09:29

Madam I don't buy the whole 'pecking order' excuse for children to behave horribly to other younger children. DS is 8 and, although he wouldn't particularly want to play with a 4 year-old, he wouldn't be mean and unpleasant either.

Likewise, DS is the 'little kid' when he goes to the local skate park with his scotter. Although most of the other skaters/riders are teenagers, he has never come across any nastiness or snidy remarks. The older kids don't want to mix with the younger kids, but they just tend to politely avoid them rather than being unpleasant.

OP, YWNBU.

DopeyDawg · 03/08/2015 09:37

Any decent kid of 8-10 being bothered by a 4 year old would have ignored, and eventually told the 4 year old to 'go home / go find your mum'.

To have behaved so very nastily, and then done so again in front of you, is inexcusable. If Dad approaches you I would tell him in no uncertain terms he needs to sort how the older kids behave towards 'toddlers'.

If they come near I would shout at them to 'steer clear'.

Hold your nerve OP, you did the only thing you could.

youarekiddingme · 03/08/2015 09:55

Notso I am entitled to my opinion you don't get to say I am wrong. And if you re read my post I was referring to the bit where she was cooking, didn't intervene and told her son she would supervise him more closely in future to prevent such situations escalating.
I refer to shouting in my next paragraph.

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