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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my reaction to kids picking on my 4 year old

125 replies

Crazedmother100 · 03/08/2015 00:00

I'm wondering if I have behaved very badly. We are on holiday at the moment at a caravan site. 4 year old has been allowed to play outside our caravan this year but obviously has been given ground rules not to go past where we can't see him and he has been good sticking to the rules. He has generally scooted up and down and played in his tent so I didn't see a problem until now.

Unfortunately, he is at that lovely stage of life where he thinks everyone is good and wants to be his friend. I know I did wrong but I took my eyes off him for 5 minutes while I was cooking and he went up to a bunch of older boys (aged between 8-11 I would guess) on their posh scooters with his Thomas the tank scooter and started talking to them. They were really horrible to him. They told him to get lost. He asked them why they were saying that to him and they started chanting things at him. He told them he was 'not their friend' which is his biggest insult and they just burst out laughing at him and all starting singing 'go away'. He came running back very upset and not wanting to go out to play.

I had to coax him out today, I told him it was my fault as I was not watching and some children were not nice but I would watch and make sure he was ok. All good until the group came back and right infront of me, one went up to my son and said to him 'I have a song for you' - my son said 'what is it?' and he pointed in his face and sang 'go away' with the rest of them laughing. I lost it. I screamed at them. I told them how dare they come infront of our caravan to tell him to go away. I'm embarrassed now but I told them this was my child's patch to play on - not theirs , that they were 'vile'. They didn't say anything but quickly scooted away. They have not been back since but one of the dad's has walked past and glared into our caravan. I can't sleep for thinking about it. I wanted to show my son I was on his side but I should have handled this better shouldn't I?

OP posts:
RachelRagged · 03/08/2015 09:59

YABU

As for the father , stand and glare back OR explain why you flipped at the brattish ones OP. Flowers

RachelRagged · 03/08/2015 09:59

Oops ,, I mean YANBU

cuntycowfacemonkey · 03/08/2015 10:16

Kids should be pulled up on bad behaviour but I think the screaming was OTT and has probably contributed to your sons upset. The boys were mean and it made his mummy scream and shout, of course he is now worried about going back out.

I remember walking home from the school run and two 10 year olds were walking behind making fun of ds2's speech (he has a speech disorder), ds1 was getting upset about it so I whipped round and pointed at them and said very calmly with my best death stare "I know BOTH of your parents so unless you want me to come home with you right now and have a chat with them I suggest you get out of my sight and keep your mouths closed in the future"

They were both a bit Shock and did indeed scuttle off without a word. Never under estimate a good death stare and slow, stern tone of voice. Screaming isn't necessary although understandable.

I was actually so pissed of though and really did want to have a good scream at them so the next day I went to speak to the head teacher about it and he said "Don't worry Mrs Cunty I will make sure this is a learning experience for them both" which I think is teacher speak for a bollocking.

Notso · 03/08/2015 10:35

youarekidfingme of course I can say I think you are wrong, you are not the only one entitled an opinion.
I've read your post and it still reads as though OP handled it brilliantly. It's only with you explaining I can see you mean something else.

Stanky · 03/08/2015 10:38

Well done Cunty. :) Why do some young people have to be so awful? My 4yo ds has speech difficulties, and I would probably lose my shit if older kids bullied him tbh.

bearleftmonkeyright · 03/08/2015 10:39

Agree with cunty, practice your death stare!

PastaLaFeasta · 03/08/2015 10:53

What you said doesn't sound too bad and I don't think shouting is always a bad thing as many do, I'm a shouty parent when driven to it, although saying you screamed makes it sounds much worse, perhaps a matter of interpretation. I wouldn't judge if I saw you do this, although I'd ask for an explanation if it was my child and would expect an apology. If one of the parents approaches you they should understand once you tell them why. Being told off by a stranger can be more effective than a parent, I'm sometimes happy for a stranger to comment on behaviour as they are more likely to be embarrassed.

I have to say, my eldest, who turned one a couple of months ago and has just finished reception, is very friendly with many of the older kids in the school. The school encourages it formally but it happen outside of that, she talks to them and one boy came up to her and gave her a big cuddle which was lovely. It is normal for older kids to exclude younger ones but normal shouldn't always be accepted.

youarekiddingme · 03/08/2015 11:09

notso you can say you don't agree with my viewpoint. But you typed that she didn't handle it brilliantly and referenced it to me. Therefore saying what I typed was wrong - not that you didn't agree that she handled it brilliantly. I am one of may posters thinking she handled it well or WNBU.

alltouchedout · 03/08/2015 13:30

Good for you, OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2015 14:55

Yanbu at all, they deserved that for being vile and nasty to another child. What is the world coming to, when we fear telling a child off when they are being unkind if nasty.

tarashill · 03/08/2015 15:56

When I was a child, if an adult told us off we'd be mortified and did us no harm at all. It certainly didn't make my DM rush out to give give a nasty look or as often happens these days, act aggressively towards the adult who told me off. More than likely I wouldn't have even told my mother I'd been told off by an adult. I wonder why some kids feel the need to report everything back to the parents when they feel they've been wronged by someone. I'd say it's usually the nasty kids who do this safe in the knowledge that mum or dad will rush to their defence and not bother questioning what brought it all about in the first place.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 03/08/2015 16:03

AIBU? My ten year old has come back from playing outside with some friends he has made at the campsite we are staying at really upset because a woman has just screamed at him. He says that some of his friends had teased a little boy, maybe about four yo, but they didn't mean to really upset him - he just kept trying to tag along with them and wouldn't leave them alone when they had asked him to go away so that they could play. They were worried that the little boy might get hurt scooting on his little scooter while they raced around on their big ones. This isn't an acceptable way to treat my son, is it? Why didn't the mum come and talk to me if there was a big problem?

^ What another parent could be coming on here to post later on...

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 03/08/2015 16:05

BTW I have told off my fair share of kids of all ages (I'm in the "it takes a village to raise a child" camp), but I have never ever screamed at them. I think a stern and slightly withering tone is more effective with older kids - pointing out that teasing a four year old is very cowardly, for eg.

So YANBU for telling the kids off, but YABVU for screaming at them

Chipshopninja · 03/08/2015 16:18

YANBU op, not at all!!!

If have lost it if someone did that to my son.

LavenderLeigh · 03/08/2015 16:30

YWNBU
They deserved a good bollocking.
Hope it will put them off bullying small children half their age on future

Getthewonderwebout · 03/08/2015 16:30

I'd have done the same. And if my DC Ever behaved like that to another child, once that child's parent had finished with him, I'd want my turn.

tarashill · 03/08/2015 16:33

Yes but closerto50 that isn't how it happened. Fair enough if they'd just left it after the first time but they purposely went back to the OPs caravan to taunt the little boy. I bet they wouldn't have said to their mothers "we teased a little boy but we didn't mean to upset him but we went back the next day so we could upset him and sang "go away" to his face. It was the going back to taunt and upset a 4 year old that made the OP lose it. Imo she was entitled to shout at them.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2015 16:55

closer this is not what happened, they came back to tease him some more, no wonder op was upset. Ok her reaction wasent ideal, but I am sure they got the message now!

squoosh · 03/08/2015 16:56

Don't lose anymore sleep over it OP. The mean little brats deserved it.

I hope your son enjoys the rest of his holiday.

MrsJorahMormont · 03/08/2015 19:31

It's good to stand up for your son although I agree that a good death stare and scary eyes can be highly effective.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2015 19:38

A good death stare and a telling off should suffice for that type of nasty horrid behaviour.

weeblueberry · 03/08/2015 19:46

Id have done the same probably, rightly or wrongly.

It's made me heart ache just hearing it happen to your wee man so god only knows what I'd be like if it were mine...Blush

Fluffy24 · 03/08/2015 19:53

Perhaps if their own DP told them that they'd not be such little shits rascals.

I think you did absolutely the right thing.

scratchandsniff · 03/08/2015 19:54

I would have done exactly the same. They need to know that someone other than their parents will possibly intervene when they're badly behaved.

I had a similar situation the other day - 2.5yr old DS was on a trampoline and tried to play with two older boys of about 4/5, they kept telling him he was naughty, to go away and started throwing wood chippings at him. Luckily their parent came and told them off. DS looked so confused and kept saying 'you want to play with me?'. First time I've experienced it with my pfb and it really upset me.

laffymeal · 03/08/2015 20:04

I think your reaction was totally understandable but you're best not to dwell on it or your ds will think it's a much bigger deal than it really is. I remember a similar situation with my own ds about ten years ago and the wee bugger figured out he got 200% attention from ma and pa when we felt he was being bullied or hurt by anyone and he had a tendency to play on it a tad.