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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH night out - AIBU?

84 replies

Summertimesadness1 · 02/08/2015 21:27

I've been deliberating over posting about this because I keep thinking I am in the right but then swinging back the other way.

DH went out last night. He doesn't go out often so I was happy for him to. DD is teething and was a pain all night but when he text (which he did a few times to check everything was ok) I told him everything was fine.

I was trying to sooth DD in our bedroom (at the front of the house as it was cooler than her room) and I saw DD walk up to the gate. He must have heard DD crying (I had the window open and she was wailing) and he hesitated, then turned round and walked the other way. There's a little pub at the top of our road and I saw him walk in there.

He came home an hour later, but even then it wasn't too late (maybe 11.45pm) and didn't mention anything about going to the other pub. I didn't mention anything either.

Basically, AIBU for being annoyed? If I hadn't have seen him, I'd never have known. Plus it was his first night out since DD was born so he was entitled to stay out as long as he wanted, but he clearly heard her screaming and decided not to come home just yet. It was fine, she went down soon after, but I still feel a bit pissed off.

OP posts:

Kayden · 02/08/2015 21:29

It depends. Have you had a night out and is your 'time off' equal?

HoldYerWhist · 02/08/2015 21:30

I'd have done the same as him. It was basically a night off and he made the most of it!

If he had form it would be a different story but I wouldn't be angry, no.

Original poster

Summertimesadness1 · 02/08/2015 21:30

I've had two 'meals' out but was home by 9pm at the latest for both. I'm not annoyed at him being out, and like I said if I hadn't have seen him turn around and go for another drink (I assume, alone!) then I'd never have known.

OP posts:

Haggisfish · 02/08/2015 21:33

I think you are understandably a bit miffed but it's one of those situations where mentioning it to dh would be pointless. What outcome would you hope for? Was it your own choice to come back at 9pm? Would dh have been happy looking after dd for longer on those nights? If so, I think yababu.

Rudawakening · 02/08/2015 21:34

Maybe he just thought if he came home at that point it might disturb her more and take longer to get her to sleep?

Daisydukes79 · 02/08/2015 21:35

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, could he possibly have thought him coming in (possibly tipsy and, unfortunately likely to be louder than normal) would make matters worse and thought he would wait til the baby was settled?
(I know that sounds daft but it's the kind of daft logic both me and oh have lol)

CrapBag · 02/08/2015 21:35

I think YABU a little bit. Presumably he was about to come home at 10.45, which isn't late. He may have genuinely changed his mind on the path and you may be jumping to conclusions that he was avoiding coming home to a crying teething baby.

I'd let this one go. You were probably tired and everything seems like a much bigger deal when you are tired and dealing with a cranky baby. Like you said, mid you hadn't been stood by the windows, you wouldn't have even known.

FelicityGubbins · 02/08/2015 21:37

I would probably drop a casual "you know that I know you owe me an hour time out next time DD kicks off" but I wouldn't be angry with him for escaping a crying baby for an hour..

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 02/08/2015 21:38

I would let this one go, it only requires one person to sooth a crying baby, it was his first night out and he was still home pretty early.

RunningJumpingClimbingTrees · 02/08/2015 21:38

I'd be a bit annoyed too but like you say you only know because you saw and every one needs a break sometime. I have a 10 month old and I wouldn't say our me time is equal yet but my husband is always asking me if I want time off etc and I will take more soon.

Kayden · 02/08/2015 21:39

If he's usually an equal partner and parent, I'd let it slide. I'd avoid making a comment because even a 'casual mention' risks you sounding narky.

WhoNickedMyName · 02/08/2015 21:40

I'd probably be pissed off but then I wouldn't have allowed a possibly tipsy DH help out in that situation anyway, so I'd let this one go.

BifsWif · 02/08/2015 21:44

I'm on the fence.

I would like to think that if my DH had been out, got home and realised baby was crying he'd come in to give me a hand.

On the other hand, I can see why he may have thought him coming in would have disturbed her further.

What's he usually like OP?

AnyFucker · 02/08/2015 21:47

depending on if he usually pulled his weight with childcare, I don't see a problem here

it was pure coincidence you saw him skedaddle for another pint while the fuss calmed down

can any of us, knowing there was a competent parent in charge, seriously say we would not so the same ?

WayneRooneysHair · 02/08/2015 21:49

I can't see anything wrong, like AF says we'd all do the same if we could.

Original poster

Summertimesadness1 · 02/08/2015 21:49

Thanks everyone - I think I knew I was being unreasonable, but I just wanted to check. He's 100% entitled to a night out and yes, 10.45am was quite early to come home and I wasn't expecting him until at least midnight. He a great Dad, very supportive, lets me have time alone etc... but I guess a teething baby just tipped me over the edge!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/08/2015 21:51

just make sure you take (full advantage of) your turn, op

plantsitter · 02/08/2015 21:51

I would honestly be quite pissed off, but I can't honestly say I wouldn't have done the same in his position.

I might mention it in a joky 'can't THINK why you would've done that' way at some point just so it didn't fester.

crustsaway · 02/08/2015 21:57

Equal is the way to always go.

Tell him you saw what he did, laugh and negotiate a night out for you.

WixingMords · 02/08/2015 21:57

Just mention it to him.

Seeing he's at all other times great and if you hadn't if chosen to come home before 9 when you were out he'd have been fine with that, would he?

I'd just tell him you saw it. Then take advantage.

missnevermind · 02/08/2015 22:01

Yes I would mention it to him. Just in a jokey I know what you did sort of way. Don't let him get defensive about it. If it wasn't a problem then it's still not a problem now.

TheDowagerCuntess · 02/08/2015 22:02

I'd probably give my DH a bit of a ribbing - on the basis that I would probably have done the same thing, too.

Lashalicious · 02/08/2015 22:49

I think he should have come on in and given you a hand with the baby. I'd be completely honest with your dh. If you're close to your husband it shouldn't be a problem to talk to him about it. There's a way to say it forthrightly without sounding upset or defensive. Just calmly.

True character is what people do when they think no one's watching. Yes, as others said, it is a relatively small thing and he understandably could have thought, "the baby's having a hard time, I'll just get dd riled up even more if I walk in now, maybe I'll go into the pub where I think one of my pals is, and have a quick nightcap and come back home when dw has dd settled." So, there's nothing earth shattering here. He's still a good husband and father. I would just say though, that I think the thing to do would have been to continue on into the house to give you help with the baby. And, I think he should have mentioned to you when he did get back that he was on his way in and then decided to go to a second drinking place/pub. If he had known you had seen him, he wouldn't have done that.

I would just talk to him about it. No harm in that, is there? I think it shows more insecurity to be afraid to say something to him rather than the other way around.

Lashalicious · 02/08/2015 22:51

Dowager and others have a good idea, just give him a little ribbing about it if you don't feel comfortable telling him the way you told us. Either way, he sounds like a good husband and father.

Sometimesjustonesecond · 03/08/2015 16:34

I agree with lash

He left you to it because his desire for an extra pint and time off was more important to him in that moment than easing your load. It was selfish - he was having fun and wanted to carry on.

It doesn't make him a terrible husband but it does indicate a level of selfishness that would upset me if it was my husband. I think you would have gone in to help and it hurts you that he didnt do that for you.

I'm not sure if I would bring it up. If he was completely sober he might have made a different decision. What I would do is remember it and when it was my turn for a night off I wouldn't rush back to help him. Being left to it might focus his mind on how stressful it can be to look after a crying child and might make him act differently the next time he has a choice to make!

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