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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH night out - AIBU?

84 replies

Summertimesadness1 · 02/08/2015 21:27

I've been deliberating over posting about this because I keep thinking I am in the right but then swinging back the other way.

DH went out last night. He doesn't go out often so I was happy for him to. DD is teething and was a pain all night but when he text (which he did a few times to check everything was ok) I told him everything was fine.

I was trying to sooth DD in our bedroom (at the front of the house as it was cooler than her room) and I saw DD walk up to the gate. He must have heard DD crying (I had the window open and she was wailing) and he hesitated, then turned round and walked the other way. There's a little pub at the top of our road and I saw him walk in there.

He came home an hour later, but even then it wasn't too late (maybe 11.45pm) and didn't mention anything about going to the other pub. I didn't mention anything either.

Basically, AIBU for being annoyed? If I hadn't have seen him, I'd never have known. Plus it was his first night out since DD was born so he was entitled to stay out as long as he wanted, but he clearly heard her screaming and decided not to come home just yet. It was fine, she went down soon after, but I still feel a bit pissed off.

OP posts:
Crosbybeach · 03/08/2015 16:37

I think I'd have done the same in his shoes, I don't think that makes him selfish. However, I think you are going to have to mention it in a joky kind of manner, I'd probably do it when suggesting he gets up early to do something with the baby and you want a lie in!

Crosbybeach · 03/08/2015 16:38

Posted too soon, otherwise it will fester and turn into something that its not.

Sandbrook · 03/08/2015 16:40

I don't know about this one, if he's a great dad & husband and on his way home he heard the baby crying; he may have just thought aw f**k it, I can't deal with it tonight.
There's no shame in allowing yourself some selfish time when you have a teething child.
The baby was perfectly looked after by mum.
I would let this slide tbh, babies are hard work. Be kind to each other and take you break when you next need one

cestlavielife · 03/08/2015 16:45

you told him " everything was fine." so he probably thought well she is in charge and it is all fine.

next time say "she is screaming blue murder please be back by 10.45 to take over"

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2015 16:50

I would have a game of Pictionary going tonight. You could do a great mime. The word could be 'bastard.'

Grin
Totality22 · 03/08/2015 16:57

Agree with the majority. It would be no big deal to me as long as DP helps when he is home, gives you some time off and doesn't go out all the time.

Chances are he did hear the baby crying and chances are he did think 'fuck it I'm going for another pint' but it wouldn't cause me any offence personally. Teething babies are hard work and he probably just wanted to make the most of having a night off.

GloGirl · 03/08/2015 17:04

One if the rare occasions I read MN like Shock because I disagree with the majority.

He was coming home early because he was drunk and either wanted a sleep or a shag and heard the baby, knew he could have neither and thought "sod that".

If you think he was not being unreasonable laugh and mention it. I'm guessing you haven't yet because you think "you knew I was having a tough time and left me to it"

And that would piss me off.

SeaCabbage · 03/08/2015 17:21

I think that if he was having a rare night out he would have been looking forward to getting home all relaxed and happy. Coming home to a crying baby might have taken away all the good work of the evening in giving him a pleasant time and spoiled the end.

So I don't blame him, as you've said he's been a great Dad mainly and it was still only 11.45pm.

MizK · 03/08/2015 17:31

I would be more annoyed by seeing him scarper back out of the gate than if he had come back at 3!

Irrational? Probably. With my DP though, I would have said something as soon as we spoke and then it would be over with. (My DP and I both have plenty of time out with friends so going out wouldn't be the problem.)

Agree that your DH doesn't sound horrid etc, there's just something about watching him tiptoe off that would have made me annoyed in your position. A minor annoyance but still....

vestandknickers · 03/08/2015 17:40

Of course he wasn't being unreasonable OP, but it sounds as if you need a good night out too.

Why don't you mention that you saw him go for his extra hour in a light-hearted way and use it as a way to suggest that you both need breaks from your teething baby. He'll probably wholeheartedly agree and then you'll feel much better about him!

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2015 17:54

Were you not tempted, given the open window, to yell, "Oy, you, back in here!"?

SocialMediaAddict · 03/08/2015 17:57

I would do exactly the same as your DH if it was my night out. He was back pretty early so I don't get the problem.

10storeylovesong · 03/08/2015 18:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

LokiBear · 03/08/2015 18:20

You need to clear the air with him. He didn't do anything wrong, imo, but you need to talk to clear the air. As new patents I am sure you are both feeling the strain. It is always hard in the first few months.

bamalam · 03/08/2015 18:34

A strong relationship is built on communication.

Personally, I don't blame him - but I can see how his actions could be super-annoying.

The thing is: if you don't say, you'll mull over it, overthink it, and turn it into something it's not.
Just have a chat with him about it. Don't approach the conversation with an agenda, or attack him. Just let him know that you spotted him, and that you found it hard to deal with because (? you felt as though he abandoned you? you felt as though he decided the pub was preferable? you felt as though in the same situation, you'd act differently?)

There's no right or wrong here. You might be feeling more emotional and ratty because of the baby, or he might be being less sensitive than usual. But without a good, calm, levelled chat, this might blow into something much stronger than it needs to.

dexter73 · 03/08/2015 18:44

He probably wouldn't have been much help anyway if he was pissed. You wouldn't wanted to have left him in charge of the baby in that state.

chaiselounger · 03/08/2015 19:08

I wouldn't have been pissed off.

Gottagetmoving · 03/08/2015 19:15

He was on a rare night out,...had been drinking, so what real help would he have been? It's very unreasonable to even he miffed about him turning round and going for a last drink.
You can make the most of your turn OP.

TRexingInAsda · 03/08/2015 20:07

Yanbu, that was a mean and selfish thing to do. He'd finished his night but heard you were struggling so instead of coming in and helping he's thought 'nah fuck it I'll let her deal with that on her own'.

Purplepoodle · 03/08/2015 20:40

I would have bangs the window and asked what on earth he was doing. I would be a bit annoyed at that tbf. if he had just stayed out the fine but to come nearly to the door and then leave, I'd be irritated.

Dioskouri · 03/08/2015 20:59

Read this out to my DH and he burst out laughing. I'm with him I'm afraid. YABU.

Raise the subject with your DH, rib him a little, have a giggle, and then schedule your own night out.

Gottagetmoving · 04/08/2015 09:07

Yanbu, that was a mean and selfish thing to do. He'd finished his night but heard you were struggling so instead of coming in and helping he's thought 'nah fuck it I'll let her deal with that on her own

The child was with her mother! I am sure OP is not totally helpless and this was ONE night when her DH got to go out. He was not even home late.
How do you think single parents cope?

TRexingInAsda · 04/08/2015 11:35

I'm not saying she couldn't cope. I'm a parent myself, I am aware that parents can cope when just one of them is present, thanks. It's still selfish that the guy had finished his night out, was literally about to step through the door, and then didn't because the baby was crying and he didn't want to help out. It's nothing to do with her coping or not, it's just a dickish thing to do. They're supposed to be a team helping and supporting each other. The dw is doing her part looking after baby on her own so he can go to the do - fair enough, but instead of a team-player attitude of "now I'm finished my night I'll go back to being a parent and do 50/50", he's displayed an attitude of "well it's my night off, fuck you, I'm buggered if I'm actually going to do any parenting this evening, even though I've finished being out". It's shitty.

Glindathegoodwitch · 04/08/2015 11:59

I would say 'by the way, I saw you last night, you crafty sod! I'll take a soak in the bath tonight and a decent foot rub off you' - otherwise it'll only play on your mind that you saw him and didn't say, you can let him know that you know, and when he has a go at you about something, you can light heartedly remind him about that time he done you over Grin

NickiFury · 04/08/2015 12:05

I don't blame him.

I am not a selfish parent for those saying it was selfish, I bring my two children up alone and am devoted to them, I get time off about twice a year.