To wonder why some people die early

[pinktrufflechoc]

It does seem to be the case that so many people are totally and completely healthy and then they die and are not often when they're quite young.

Yet really frail people who you'd almost expect to die sooner live well into their 90s.

I dunno. It's weird isn't it?

Yes I know being on AIBU is reason enough to be unpleasant by some but I think if someone can say I'm talking nonsense I can say it's unpleasant.

Pink, sorry. I think i was trying to say how hard life is, things happen and its just shit. Have to make the most of it while you can and live each day as it comes.
Rip cilla too. Sad news.

You find the word 'nonsense' offensive

I can't think of a more appropriate word in response to a statement like 'healthy people die for no reason'.

You ARE talking nonsense. And if you don't like someone pointing that out you shouldn't post nonsense in AIBU!

Oh no don't worry 80s I have known ever since my dad died i won't live long. As long as the children are adults when I die I can't say I'm too fussed!

I found your post offensive too so we are evens aren't we

It isn't unpleasant. You made a statement that clearly made no sense. Someone told you it made no sense. Seriously, if you're that sensitive, it's not just aibu that you need to avoid....

Well platitudes like 'it was just their time' or 'everything happens for a reason' are just nonsense.

My friend died despite being apparently healthy because of an undiagnosed genetic heart condition. Thank goodness there are scientists and medical professionals who strive to learn and educate and prevent (because if diagnosed her death was preventable) rather than accept it was 'just their time'

Yes yes I am stupid. Which is why I still don't understand properly. But you don't need to keep going on about it. I was just saying how it seemed to me, that one minute someone is healthy and alive then they are not and its quite hard to get your head around.

Maybe other people find it easier than I do. Like I say I haven't got a scientific mind.

Exactly Peshwari

Like I say I haven't got a scientific mind.

Clearly.

juneau

healthy people don't just drop dead for no reason

This is ignorant and quite upsetting for anyone who has experienced a close one's sudden death.

There is such a thing as SADS (sudden adult death syndrome) which is name the name given to deaths in young adults that aren't explained in the autopsy.

I think there have been a couple of high profile cases involving footballers.

Pathology isn't an exact science. Quite often there can be ambiguity about cause of death.

In another few years we will all be having genetic testing to check if we have a predisposition to a variety of illnesses/diseases. We already see this in done fields if medicine.

In the near future this may mean that people have more of an idea of their vulnerability to things like heart attacks, strokes, different types of cancer, diabetes, etc.

So maybe sudden deaths in middle age won't be such a surprise.

I've known quite a few people who have died 'young' (40s - early 70s) recently. One was lung cancer/ex heavy smoker so not a surprise but the others were, sudden heart failure and rare, untreatable cancer.

On the other hand I know a man who lasted into his 90s and died in an accident, seemingly resistant to the effects of obesity and alcoholism!

Most of us will die because of the lifestyle choices we make. Smoking, diet, sedentary life, stress, alcohol, etc so most of our deaths really shouldn't be a surprise.

pinktrufflechoc - I think I do understand how you feel. We are encouraged to think if we live healthily, and our parents lived to a good age, that we will too. But sadly life doesn't always work out like that. People do die young when you think they shouldn't have.

Oh dear.

I wasn't saying it was just their time. I mean, it's like - my dad didn't smoke and he was a healthy weight, did loads of exercise, didn't drink excessively. Before he died he climbed a mountain! I mean a few minutes before he died. And then he just dropped dead.

It's as if (as if, not is!) as if it WAS just his time, as if there was nothing anybody could have done. I'm not saying we should all just say oh well forget trying to help anybody then! I'm just trying to explain how surreal it was and still is. I lost my mum young and naively and selfishly I thought my dad would live well into his eighties or beyond as he was just so unbelievably fit and well.

It's so strange because I know people my age who have grand parents who are still alive, I think I just find it so strange - I might understand in a literal way people die but I just can't fully understand that my dad died or how and part of me still expects him to come back in.

That is nonsense but I do, I 'heard' him so vividly last night.

Whats to understand? People have health problems or underlying conditions that you can't tell by looking at them or knowing their lifestyle. Or random things can suddenly go wrong. People die suddenly every minute of every day.

It's not fate, it's probably epigenetics. Look up some science.

OP, no one said you were stupid.

They pointed out that people seeming healthy and being healthy are different.

It's pretty clear that you are upset and this subject is playing on your mind and worrying you, but you are reading insults into people's posts that aren't there.

Maybe hide the thread or something? It seems like you are going to end up more upset than you already are.

my sil died suddenly in april she had a number of underlying health issues and high blood pressure she wasent aware of most of her health issues she was found dead one morning just 41 very sad.

I know what you mean (in the existential version of 'why', anyway). If we see that someone is old and frail, then we're at least partly primed for the notion that they might die. But we aren't ready for the death of someone twenty years younger without any known (to us, anyway) health issues.
Knowing that the literal 'why' is a combination of lifestyle, genetics and chance doesn't really help.

I wonder whether in some cases it's because people try to 'other' those who are frail and old. If somebody dies who was 90, slow and housebound, with multiple health issues, you know 'why' they died. But there's often a tiny part of us that can distance ourselves - that person's circumstances were nothing at all like yours. But imagine a 60-year-old, no health issues that you knew about, not even retired yet, who only yesterday was telling you about their holiday plans. That would be much closer to home, because that person was still active out in the world and their life had much more in common with yours. The fact that an apparently healthy person can die makes us realise that nobody is immune. It's a selfish attitude but I think it's human nature, a sort of protective mechanism.

OP that sounds very upsetting. Sadly living healthily increases your chances of living to a good age, but it does not guarantee that.
Sadly I know someone who dropped dead in their late 40's as a result of being fit and taking vigorous exercise. He had an undiagnosed heart problem. Drs said if he had been sedentary, he would actually have lived longer.
Totally shit.

Honestly Urethra and Juneau - are you going out of your way to be unkind??
Clearly pinktruffle is trying to get her head around the sudden loss of someone. She's hinted that it's made her think about the death of her Dad. A little bit of compassion and empathy wouldn't go amiss.
Yes, we know that scientists can put a name to cause of death (although - for your interest as you seem to be so clear in your own minds, but are clearly not entirely au fait with everybody's death - on my sister's death certificate, it says 'Cause of Death: Unascertainable' ) but that is hardly the point. When someone is bereaved, they like to try to make sense of it, and that is very hard when the person they have lost seems so fit and well and it has come as such a shock.

I don't see how you can't understand that.

June, you are actually writing nonsense, some deaths, albeit rare, are inexplicable and sometimes attributed to undiagnosed heart problems etc. my DH died unexpectedly at work aged 54. The coroner put it down to Sudden Adult Death Syndrome but clearly states there was no evidence of any biological defect. DH was a GP and super fit, sadly it was just his time to go. Some cot deaths are the same. Life and death can be inexplicable.

So unless you know something that the,very experienced pathologist, in my husbands case didn't, don't use the word nonsense in regard to such a sensitive issue.

I think what people struggle with is the idea of 'fairness', if you do x you'll get y i.e if you lead a healthy lifestyle you'll live a long healthy life. Unfortunately it's not fair and someone does everything 'right' but dies young. With a long final illness for example cancer people have more time to come to terms with the loss of the person whereas in an accident or sudden illness people can be left in shock much longer.

It is quite childlike to think only old people or people "who are very ill" die.

It is something we say to reassure little ones when they first encounter someone dying.

You surely don't need much of a scientific brain to realise that people sometimes die (without previously appearing unhealthy) because a condition may not cause any outward symptoms until it becomes life-threatening.

I am smirking thinking of death certificates giving cause of death as "fate - it was just their time to go"

My BIL had a condition which meant he had very high cholesterol. It had to be controlled by drugs, diet didn't help it at all. He was very fit and healthy and I think had deliberately become so when he learned of his condition. He died of a sudden heart attack whilst exercising when in his early 40s, leaving DSis and two small DCs. His Mum has the same condition - it's genetic. She is in her 80s, widowed, kids all grown up and still going. Of course I am not saying "it's not fair" as she is wonderful and I am so glad she is still with us, but I expect she thinks "Why my son and not me? We both have the same condition."

Thank you so very much back. The last thing I wanted was a row but the word 'nonsense' did upset me a bit.

I know what you mean OP.

I mean there are obviously unknown conditions.

It's the thought that they have no affect at all until they are fatal.