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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave DD with no adult supervision after school

112 replies

redskybynight · 31/07/2015 12:28

Hypothetical situation at the moment but may arise in the future due to job changes.

Would you feel happy to leave a sensible 9 year old DC for up to 1.5 hours after school on one day a week? She would also be walking or cycling home by herself/with friends (though the journey home alone is by itself not an issue as she would be doing this on other days as well).

Potentially her 11 year old brother would also be there (and could meet her en-route home if needed).

One parent works 15 minutes walk away (so no delays in getting home and close at hand). DC knows various neighbours she could go to in case of real emergencies.

Feel like 9 is just the "wrong" age - a couple of years younger and we wouldn't consider it, and a couple of years older and we wouldn't worry at all!

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 31/07/2015 16:16

As TheHouse says; once a week is not the same as ad hoc, op. It's incredibly rude to tell someone to RTFT when you've actually left out the relevant detail.

Original poster

redskybynight · 31/07/2015 16:19

FloggingMolly Read my post of 14:25. Granted I used the term "different day" rather than "ad-hoc" but it equally explains why e..g just putting her in after school club every Monday won't work.

Please check your facts before telling someone they haven't included a relevant detail.

OP posts:

TheHouseOnBellSt · 31/07/2015 16:24

OP you need to just get on with it now. You've obviously started this thread thinking people would say "Oh no that's fine" and they haven't.

So as you say you plan to find a teen which will fix your issues.

sleepyhead · 31/07/2015 16:28

I would.

Deal would be a call to the parent 15 mins away from the home phone at an agreed time so I knew she was home safe.

No friends in the house, answer the door to no-one, only answer the phone if my number or her dads (we have caller display).

We are gradually starting to give ds1 (nearly 9) some independence and he will be walking part of the way to school on his own after the holidays. Walking home alone is a way off for traffic reasons, but I'm happy to leave him alone at home for up to 20 mins (trip to local shops) and he's started running short errands to the local corner shop on his own in preparation for walking to school.

I was letting myself into the house for a short period of time after school (and I consider 1 hr fairly short) at the age of 8 and it didn't phase me at all. Obviously if a child didn't want to do this then it would be different.

Chunkymonkey79 · 31/07/2015 16:32

I don't think it would be wrong if you opted to do that. You know your kids best. And its not going to be very lonely time, 1.5 hours once a week

For me personally, 11 and at secondary school would be when I would start to allow them in the house alone.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/07/2015 16:35

red

only you can judge all the aspects of your situation. if you feel your circumstances allow a decision that will be low risk, then do it.

when I was 9 I walked home from school friends & my sister (16m younger) 20 mins-ish walk, then we stayed home on our own for hours until our parents got home.
every day.
we had to call mum when in, then had to stay home, pick up phone, don't let anyone in we don't know (peephole in door), call mum if any problems.
everyone did that, it was the norm. "key on a string necklace" kids.
This was in Hungary, I'm 40 now, no idea about UK at the same time.
But I don't know anyone who has the same situation now.

you have to do what you feel is right.
good luck

derxa · 31/07/2015 16:39

I was once a lodger in the house of two teachers who did this very thing. I think they were relying on me but never made it explicit. I felt sorry for the kids tbh. The parents were too tight to make proper provision for the safety of their children.

sleeponeday · 31/07/2015 16:42

No, I'm sorry. 11 would be my minimum. She's too small.

Coffeemarkone · 31/07/2015 16:59

" leaving a 9 year old is not universally considered to be neglect, even by the official guidelines. "

I can assure you that according to SS, it is.

meglet · 31/07/2015 17:04

bloody hell coffee . I was hoping to be able to leave mine for a few minutes at 10yrs old. I'm a LP and counting the days until I can pop to the supermarket without dragging whiny kids with me.

Coffeemarkone · 31/07/2015 17:07

I know meglet....it's a bummer.
Just make sure you give them express instructions TO NOT tell ANYONE eg on the phone that they are 'home alone'.

whois · 31/07/2015 17:13

To be honest, if she is up for trying it, I would give it a go.

But do some practice with her before eg unlocking the door and leaving her alone a bit to build up some trust and confidence over the summer.

I would want:
A light left on during winter as it will be horrible coming home to a dark house in wk get.
Phone call when she gets in.
No answering the door.
No friends rounds.
No answering phone except to family.
And if leave some little treat like a muffin or something for her to have as a snack.

SocialMediaAddict · 31/07/2015 17:16

Nope.

green18 · 31/07/2015 17:16

Personally I think that's too young. I work with this age group and whilst they can bet very sensible, even the most sensible and intelligent can make some very immature judgements, naturally, they are children and still have a lot to learn. I think maybe at least 11 to consider this, but more comfortable at 13.

green18 · 31/07/2015 17:17

God I wish there was an edit function on MN! can be very sensible

fetafeta · 31/07/2015 17:28

Ok I left my 'sensible' 11 DD home for half an hour while i went to a nearby supermarket for 15 mins, literally a pop out and get 1 ingredient i'd forgotten type trip. DD moaned about coming and said she would be fine, I gave in and thought ok she's old enough. I left out a phone book with everyone's number, told her not to open the door, only answer phone to me , don't use kitchen etc. When I got back after 20 mins, DD proudly showed me all the post she had sorted including a parcel that she had accepted from the post man!!! I asked why she opened the door to him, she said, "He could see me through the window and i felt rude ignoring him." I was cross but felt guilty because she wasn't mature enough to manage that situation, to decide it was ok to be rude on this occasion. It's tricky.

itsonlysubterfuge · 31/07/2015 17:35

I walked home from school at 3:20 and stayed home by myself until my Dad got home at 6:30ish, when I was 9/10 I was fine. Make sure she phones a responsible adult as soon as she gets home and knows not to answer the door.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 31/07/2015 17:37

My DS has just turned 9. I have recently started leaving him for 10 mins while I pop to corner shop but I wouldn't be happy about leaving him home alone after school at this age, it just feels a bit young.

I was at secondary before I had key to let myself in after school, my younger brother used to go to a neighbours house until mum got home from work.

LilyMayViolet · 31/07/2015 17:42

When Dd was about that age we started to leave her for 30 mins alone when we took the dog out and had similar rules to those that Whois describes. She was also walking part of the way to school on her own.

I think 1.5 hours several times a week is a bit much at the moment though. When dd was 9 I had a mixture of after school club and friends picking her up on the days I worked.
She's a very sensible girl and we were amongst the first parents to let her have a bit of independence like this but end of year 6 and high school was the first time we allowed her to come home alone after school and wait for us.

takemetomars · 31/07/2015 17:44

No, no, no, no no. And if you have to ask, you know that this is a big no. And reportable

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 31/07/2015 17:51

Reportable for what, takemetomars?

independentfriend · 31/07/2015 17:52

I'd do it. I did similar when I was about 8, though I think I would only have been at home by myself for about 45 mins before my dad got home.

morethanpotatoprints · 31/07/2015 18:00

I wouldn't have done it ever, its far too young.
However, your child OP and its up to you what you do.

greenfolder · 31/07/2015 18:03

I would and have. Middle schools here. When dd1 started in year 5 there was no after school club. She had to walk to afterschool club at old lower school which meant she had to pass home to get there. If she was late for any reason all they could do was call me. When it got dark early I told her to just go home. I would phone her on the house phone so I knew she was there. When dd2 followed 2 years later I let her do the same. They were fine and enjoyed it. I was a 20 minute drive away and next door neighbour around most of the time. Never had a problem and luckily no hysterical involvrment of others,

Lurkedforever1 · 31/07/2015 18:07

It's not neglect according to ss. Sws interpret the child protection laws, none of which express exact age rules. So yes, some over zealous sw could interpret a 13yr old is being neglected if you nip to the shop for 5 minutes, likewise a very casual one could think leaving a 7yr old for 4 hours didn't ring alarm bells. Some sws might well interpret it incorrectly in between those two, but fact of the matter is, if what you are doing is sensible and appropriate no sw is going to get very far 'doing' you for it.

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