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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling miffed! AIBU?

132 replies

Pinot4me · 29/07/2015 12:49

Cant decide whether I should just 'wind my neck in' or not so thought I'd ask for your opinions please?
On Saturday, we had a bit of a party, at home. Invited quite a few families over, with kids, grandkids etc. Amazingly, the sun shone and we had a great day.. One of my friends offered to lend me her gazebo to add to the other 2 that we already had up. We set it up and used them all.
When she left the party her with hubby and kids they were worse for wear so said they'd come and get it the next day when they collected the car. Fair enough.
The sky clouded over and the forecast was overnight rain so a group of o/h's friends decided that they should take them down..o/h was inside at this point so didn't really see (or agree to) what happened. They meant well but somehow completely knackered my friends gazebo!!
The next morning I went on the Argos website and saw an identical one for £120 which I was more than prepared to replace for her...(expensive but, hey, she leant it to me in good faith and all that) I might add that her awning was 3 years old.
Her and her hubby came over and I explained what had happened (and,of course, apologised) I said I've found an identical one and showed her the Argos website pic and said I'd order there and then and have it delivered directly to her house. Here's where my AIBU is: She said, "Oh, don't worry, we hardly ever use it, I'd rather have the £120!!" I was a bit taken aback and didn't know how to respond. I didn't have £120 cash in the house so I said I'd pop it over during this week. She text me last night to ask me when I was coming as she needed it!

I feel really miffed.... I guess I was prepared to spend a the £120 on the website so it isn't costing me anymore to give her the cash. But I feel like she's being grabby and if the roles were reversed I wouldn't have asked for the cash as if it were new....if I was going to take anything, I'd have maybe suggested half given its age, condition etc...

Thoughts please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinot4me · 30/07/2015 07:24

Thanks for your comments. I actually was prepared to replace the awning with a new one 'as a gesture of goodwill' and also to maintain the friendship. I think I felt uncomfortable that my friend didn't reciprocate, there was no gesture of goodwill or thought for our friendship. I was unsure if IWBU and the majority of people on here thought that I wasn't. So, I went with it. I can see that some of you have a different view and appreciate it as it helps me realise that my friend wasn't alone in her thinking. (Which helps).

I didn't offer to give her either one of my 2 awnings, as a replacement, as they were cheap n cheerful pop up ones and hers wasn't.

Apart from Dave and 'all you lovely lot' we haven't mentioned this to anyone else.

I don't think our friendship is ruined. It's taken many twists and turns, over the years, and I'm sure this will just be a blip.

I will check the gazebo when it arrives and if there is anything wrong, I obviously won't pass it on to her. DP has said that he'll put it up here first.

Thanks for all your comments - whichever way you 'voted' I really do appreciate it! I'll report back if there are any further developments.

OP posts:
00100001 · 30/07/2015 07:42

you've definitely done the right thing. Those people that were suggesting you give the the £120 are BONKERS!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/07/2015 08:31

I borrow and lend things to friends all the time... Because of threads such as this i now rarely borrow anything with a high replacement value!!

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 30/07/2015 08:37

I wouldnt lend something with a high value, if I was bothered by it getting wrecked. Friends are more important, and i wouldnt expect it to be replaced or paid for, things happen, especially when they were at the party, fully fed and watered, and now upset at a replacement which the OP didnt break. If OP was an insurance company, they would go to Dave & Co not the OP. The OP did nothing wrong and is trying to please everybody.

BasinHaircut · 30/07/2015 09:09

I think your friends attitude is shocking. Saying she would rather have the cash first time round is one thing, but showing her displeasure at having been bought a replacement item and re-stating that she would rather have the cash is just rude!

I would check the gazebo before you pass it on though, just to check it is in equal or better condition to the one that got broken. If it's not in decent Nick then I think you will have to give her the £120 to be fair.

Suchafunnystory · 30/07/2015 09:15

Perfect solution OP. Well done.

AuntyMag10 · 30/07/2015 09:21

Good on you for standing firm op. I like the way you told her rather than asked her what you will be doing. She's bloody cheeky to ask you for that money outright in that way.
Even if she was struggling, that still isn't your problem. Can't believe what a cheeky cow she's been.

wowfudge · 30/07/2015 10:04

I would write it off, not right it off. It was early....

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/07/2015 11:28

I think that youvr found a workable compromise - tbf less keen on getting dave involved!

I was a bit miffed to start with- she's just seen it quite differently to you. Shes seen you offered to replace something which was damaged on your watch for 120..... She then thinks - actually i dont use it that she much i judt as well have the dosh rather than op going to trouble of replacement?.. And i can use the dosh holidays money...

She just hasn't t thought of the unfairness - and that essentially she's inadvertently sold you a tatty object and got a new one in replacement. She's just seen (conveniently) that you are willing to cough up 120£!

Binit · 30/07/2015 13:22

Op I know this is done now but I do want to add something.

I think that you should be careful taking advice like this on Mumsnet. People tend to pile on and often replicate the opinion of posters above them.

I can see from your posts that you are a decent person but I think you have been egged on into doing something:

A) spiteful - buying something you know full well someone doesn't want

And

B) deceitful - you have told complete lies to your friend about who bought this item.

What most people have failed to appreciate is that the friend did not immediately say oh you damaged my gazebo I want the full new cash value. What actually happened is that you offered to spend £120 and she said, don't bother just give it to me. She didn't set out to fleece you at all, people have completely misinterpreted that.

I just think you should take stuff on here with a pinch of salt. How many times have there been threads complaining about a dh's behaviour and hundreds of posters start shouting LTB. This thread is the same IMO.

I think you should have listened to the voices of reason. Ie me Grin.

cosmicglittergirl · 30/07/2015 13:34

I think Binit makes some good points there.

AliceAlice1979 · 30/07/2015 13:43

Binit whilst I agree that often people can pile on and egg posters on I don't think that happened in this case.

I read the op and thought her mate was being exceptionally rude in asking for the money. I think the ops response was quite english really - evaded the conflict and was creative to not feel ripped off. It's a passive solution but it's ok in my mind.

She should not have had to outright lie like they but the alternative was to front up to the cheeky mare and realistically who wants to do that really?

Original poster
Pinot4me · 30/07/2015 14:29

I think the problem here was this:
When I realised that her gazebo was broken I was keen to 'do the right thing' and replace it. She had lent it to me in good faith (I didn't actually ask, she offered) and it got broken so getting her a new one seemed the fair and reasonable thing to do.
As per my original post, I showed her the pic of the Argos one on line, she saw what I was prepared to pay for a NEW one to replace her OLD one and got carried away, I think.... If, at that point, she had said to me 'look Pinot, it's 3 years old, tbh we never even use it so just give me half price'. I would have been more than happy to stump up the cash! Because that would have been fair to all parties.
I've thought about it loads (and loads) and it makes no real sense to me either that I was prepared to pay £120 to Argos but not directly to her other than I felt like she was actually going to profit out of me, which just didn't sit well with me.
I admit, I am a bit uncomfortable about 'having' to lie, it all seems a bit ridiculous now!
I still feel that I got some good advice on here and I guess, going with the majority, was easy because I agreed with it but, I can honestly say that, if the majority thought IWBU I would have gone with that too..

I certainly don't feel like I've 'won'!

Thanks again for all your comments :-)

OP posts:
BasinHaircut · 30/07/2015 14:45

OP I agree it's a tricky one and purely a case of how it 'sits' with you IYKWIM.

I also don't think that most people live by AIBU and I'm sure you made up your own mind in the same way you would have if you had discusses it with a group of real life friends.

I agree that your friend might have just seen it as binit says and not meant to fleece you, but her attitude to the eBay gazebo was very ungracious and that, to me, justifies your possibly slightly dubious tactics to go back on the original agreement that you give her £120 cash.

ImperialBlether · 30/07/2015 15:01

I just can't imagine taking anything from a friend if the item broken was one I never used and was just shoved in the garage. The only thing I would've done is ask if I could borrow her gazebos if I was going to have a party some time.

nauticant · 30/07/2015 16:02

He might be a decent person. However, he has completely stepped around the basics of:

"I am sorry. I should have listened to your reasonable request. We'll do things how you want them done."

The "You must agree to this thing because if you don't it will undermine my self perception as being chivalrous" sub-text is unpleasant.

nauticant · 30/07/2015 16:03

Wrong thread!

CharlotteCollins · 30/07/2015 21:30

I think the reason it is different taking the cash to taking the replacement gazawning is this:

If Argos sold three-year-old ones with equivalent wear and tear, then it would've been cheeky of her to expect you to buy her a new one.

It's only because second hand ones are not so readily available that buying a new one to replace it is the done thing.

That's why your solution made the best of a difficult situation, I reckon.

Bettercallsaul1 · 30/07/2015 23:00

Agree with Binit. I would have been very surprised at a friend asking for the cash equivalent rather than accepting a new gazebo (and would have thought less of her for doing so) but, having agreed to it, I would have followed through, although perhaps with gritted teeth! As others have pointed out, the OP was quite prepared to pay the £120 to a retailer but was not willing give it to her friend. To me, it's sort of a matter of honour - keeping my own integrity and dignity in a situation where someone else is being a bit money-grabbing and opportunistic. The reason the OP decided to back out of her original agreement was not about the money but because she felt her friend was trying to get the better of her and so she fought back with some creative fiction so that her friend did not emerge "on top". In my view, the real way to emerge "on top" was to stick to what she had originally agreed rather than sink to her friend's level and see everything in terms of petty one-up-manship.

bgottalent · 30/07/2015 23:10

I haven't read the whole thread but it has occurred to me that the friend could have accepted the new Argus gazebo and then returned it for a refund if she really didn't want it. The op would have been none the wiser.

cerealqueen · 30/07/2015 23:40

Your friend was trying to profit from you. She should have said, lovely offer but actually, thinking on it, let me have half the money and I'll buy something for the garden we'll get use out of.

But she didn't, she had her eye on her eye cash prize. You've got her number and she has yours. End of friendship.

Mermaidhair · 31/07/2015 00:09

Your friend wbu, but it doesn't sit well with me how you have manipulated the situation.

nocoolnamesleft · 31/07/2015 01:08

Well, at least the friend will know never to lend anything to the OP again...

MokunMokun · 31/07/2015 05:23

I don't see why people are saying the friendship is ruined. The friend may have been disappointed about the money but she will get a gazawning back so she can't really complain. If she never uses it then she should sell it in eBay or Gumtree. Things seem fine between the OP and her friend. I think if the OP had given her 120 pounds cash then it would have eaten away at the friendship.

Original poster
Pinot4me · 31/07/2015 06:58

I take on board that some of you feel I did the wrong thing but, I agree, with mokun that giving the full amount would have eaten away at me and the friendship. As it is, things seem OK between us. My friend intends to re-list it as soon as it arrives, along with a load of other stuff that she never uses. I've spoken to her several times since Wed night and things seem fine.

I had actually forgotten about this but, on reflection, I'm sure it affected my thinking and therefor reaction. 10 years ago, the same friend was setting up a small business and borrowed an item from me to do so, (worth about £50 I suppose). She has never returned it, or mentioned it and is aware that I have since bought another one as the one I lent her is now covered in paint and she still uses it all the time! I was miffed (again lol) when I had to buy another one but put it down to experience etc and didn't want the confrontation

She does tend to be a bit grabby with money but I've known her years and it's not a deal breaker for me. She can be quite cheeky so dealing with things the way I have will be affecting me more than her - water of a ducks back for her, whereas I feel really uneasy about the whole thing.

The gazebo is due to arrive today so I'm praying it's ok - if not, I'll give her £50 and be done with it... That's all she's expecting now, at least.

I feel like I've weaved a tangled web!

OP posts:
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