Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4

AIBU?

DB/SIL

82 replies

jacks11 · 24/07/2015 22:42

I need some perspective. I'm so irritated by DB/SIL's previous unreasonable behaviour I think sometimes I struggle to see the woods for the trees, IYSWIM. I don't know if AIBU- don't think I am, but perhaps I'm wrong.

My parents have recently moved house following DM's retirement (DF retired for a while). They have moved to the area DM grew up in (and we used to visit grandparents for holidays). It was something they had always wanted to do and they were planning to downsize anyway, but when I got a job in the area they decided to move to there (actually about 20 miles from me)- sort of a "now or never" type of thing. I didn't ask them to do it, but I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't pleased.

DB/SIL were not pleased at all, DB thought (but did not ask) that DM would be volunteer to help out with childcare, and as SIL has recently stopped working I think this may have helped them financially (although as SIL is not working, not sure why they need to send DNephew, age 4, to nursery FT anymore). Also thought it was a bit odd to expect regular help with this, as our parents didn't live all that close to DB/SIL anyway and neither of DB or SIL drive.

My parents usually have my DN's for a week or so in the summer- initially it was with their parents but the older boy latterly would visit on his own for a few days and then DB/SIL and younger DNephew would join them for a few more days. Obviously see them at other times of the year too. Slightly different for my DD, as they have been more involved with her due to proximity when she was younger and then the breakdown of my marriage meant they helped out with childcare when I was at working. I had obviously out alternative arrangements in place for when we moved (before parents decided to move).

I get why my brother is irritated that our parents have moved closer to me, but at the end of the day it is up to them where they live and not our decision. I refused to intervene when he wanted me to "tell" our parents not to move, but suggested he talk to them about his feelings if he was upset. I did point out that our parents are not obliged to live where it is convenient for either me or DB, nor are they obliged to provide free childcare (very grateful for their help though, but would have understood if they'd said no)- although I do understand why DB/SIL might feel put out by DM/DF's choice.

DB has just announced that he and SIL have invited themselves to stay with me for a week during the holidays, while DNephews are at our parents- because they can't afford a week away and I "have the room". DB said he would leave it up to me to sort out the details (not quite sure what he meant- does he want me to arrange days out etc?). I was a bit shocked that they had invited themselves and am very reluctant to agree as I don't get on with either of them and just don't really want them to stay in my house for a week. On top of that, the week they want is a week I have taken annual leave to have some "down time"- I don't want to be hosting people I don't feel comfortable with during my time off!

When I said that I had plans that week and it wasn't really convenient, DB launched into a rant about how I "have it all" and it is so unfair. He says I don't appreciate how hard things are for them and all they want is a "week away" and I can't even give them houseroom. If I don't let them come, he and SIL " will not be able have a holiday and that will be down to you"- although they will be going to stay with our parents for a long weekend the week after they had planned to come to mine. This is apparently not a holiday, as they will have their DS's to look after, so won't be able to "just do whatever we want".

Also, they expect me (or maybe DM) to collect them from their home (as they can't drive) and drop DN's off at our parents, then take them to mine and also to do the return journey on the way home because travelling with "all the stuff the kids need" is not practical on public transport. Last time I was asked to act as a taxi service, it was a complete piss-take and I was so angry that I vowed to do nothing to help them again.

DM agrees with me and says DB is rude to invite themselves, DF would like me to allow them to come to keep the peace.

AIBU to refuse to allow them to stay and to point out they are getting a week "to do whatever they want" when our parents have their DS's. I am so annoyed at the assumption that they can book a holiday (and a taxi service) whenever it suits without any consultation.

OP posts:

Report

jacks11 · 24/07/2015 22:43

I should say- I understand why they might want a break, but don't see that it is my duty to provide it. I can also see that they could feel sidelines by our parents moving closer to me, but again that is something he needs to bring up with them not me.

OP posts: