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AIBU?

DB/SIL

82 replies

jacks11 · 24/07/2015 22:42

I need some perspective. I'm so irritated by DB/SIL's previous unreasonable behaviour I think sometimes I struggle to see the woods for the trees, IYSWIM. I don't know if AIBU- don't think I am, but perhaps I'm wrong.

My parents have recently moved house following DM's retirement (DF retired for a while). They have moved to the area DM grew up in (and we used to visit grandparents for holidays). It was something they had always wanted to do and they were planning to downsize anyway, but when I got a job in the area they decided to move to there (actually about 20 miles from me)- sort of a "now or never" type of thing. I didn't ask them to do it, but I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't pleased.

DB/SIL were not pleased at all, DB thought (but did not ask) that DM would be volunteer to help out with childcare, and as SIL has recently stopped working I think this may have helped them financially (although as SIL is not working, not sure why they need to send DNephew, age 4, to nursery FT anymore). Also thought it was a bit odd to expect regular help with this, as our parents didn't live all that close to DB/SIL anyway and neither of DB or SIL drive.

My parents usually have my DN's for a week or so in the summer- initially it was with their parents but the older boy latterly would visit on his own for a few days and then DB/SIL and younger DNephew would join them for a few more days. Obviously see them at other times of the year too. Slightly different for my DD, as they have been more involved with her due to proximity when she was younger and then the breakdown of my marriage meant they helped out with childcare when I was at working. I had obviously out alternative arrangements in place for when we moved (before parents decided to move).

I get why my brother is irritated that our parents have moved closer to me, but at the end of the day it is up to them where they live and not our decision. I refused to intervene when he wanted me to "tell" our parents not to move, but suggested he talk to them about his feelings if he was upset. I did point out that our parents are not obliged to live where it is convenient for either me or DB, nor are they obliged to provide free childcare (very grateful for their help though, but would have understood if they'd said no)- although I do understand why DB/SIL might feel put out by DM/DF's choice.

DB has just announced that he and SIL have invited themselves to stay with me for a week during the holidays, while DNephews are at our parents- because they can't afford a week away and I "have the room". DB said he would leave it up to me to sort out the details (not quite sure what he meant- does he want me to arrange days out etc?). I was a bit shocked that they had invited themselves and am very reluctant to agree as I don't get on with either of them and just don't really want them to stay in my house for a week. On top of that, the week they want is a week I have taken annual leave to have some "down time"- I don't want to be hosting people I don't feel comfortable with during my time off!

When I said that I had plans that week and it wasn't really convenient, DB launched into a rant about how I "have it all" and it is so unfair. He says I don't appreciate how hard things are for them and all they want is a "week away" and I can't even give them houseroom. If I don't let them come, he and SIL " will not be able have a holiday and that will be down to you"- although they will be going to stay with our parents for a long weekend the week after they had planned to come to mine. This is apparently not a holiday, as they will have their DS's to look after, so won't be able to "just do whatever we want".

Also, they expect me (or maybe DM) to collect them from their home (as they can't drive) and drop DN's off at our parents, then take them to mine and also to do the return journey on the way home because travelling with "all the stuff the kids need" is not practical on public transport. Last time I was asked to act as a taxi service, it was a complete piss-take and I was so angry that I vowed to do nothing to help them again.

DM agrees with me and says DB is rude to invite themselves, DF would like me to allow them to come to keep the peace.

AIBU to refuse to allow them to stay and to point out they are getting a week "to do whatever they want" when our parents have their DS's. I am so annoyed at the assumption that they can book a holiday (and a taxi service) whenever it suits without any consultation.

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StarOnTheTree · 27/07/2015 10:15

Good for you OP, you are so NBU to say no. Your DB sounds just like my not so 'D' S. Her sense of entitlement is ridiculous too.

We've been no contact for years but she once had an almighty strop because I accepted some new children when I was a childminder. Apparently she needed new children more than I did and I should have passed them on to her Blush

Just to escalate things she brought my teen nephew round who told me that I'd ruined his life because now they couldn't move to where they wanted and he would have to go to a crap school Blush Angry

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jacks11 · 27/07/2015 12:01

Star

your sister sounds as bonkers as my brother (and SIL)! With my brother, I think a lot of it stems from the massive chip he has on his shoulder- he generally feels hard done by and that all his problems are someone else's fault/expect others to fix them. They are usually either problems of his own making or ones he has the ability to address, should he wish to.

For example, he and SIL don't like where they live, due to behaviour of neighbours/general local social problems. They would like another bedroom as both boys in same bedroom, but waiting list for council housing is very long. Schools DNephews attend/will attend aren't great either.

Problem is DB isn't all that well paid and money is now even tighter as only one of them is working (to be fair SIL is planning to go back to college at some point). Neither is good with money- when they have any it gets spent very quickly on treats and tat. They both smoke heavily. Of course, it is their choice how to spend their money but they can't then complain they can't afford to live somewhere nicer with better schools when they could have moved if they spent more wisely. Not sure that is possible now SIL isn't working.

They constantly comment on how it is "unfair" that others in the family can afford things they can't. Neither seem to see that we have worked hard to get to where we are, it hasn't just been handed on a plate. The fact he is in a job which he doesn't like and doesn't pay well is as a result of choices he has made. DB is annoyed re an inheritance (despite the fact that it is his own fault he was written out of the will) and often complains about how that money could have helped them- I'm sure it would have, but the fact remains that it is his own fault he didn't get that opportunity.

Rant over!

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Metacentric · 27/07/2015 12:16

Neither is good with money- when they have any it gets spent very quickly on treats and tat. They both smoke heavily.

Assuming heavily means twenty a day, that's at least five quid a day per person. Time two people times 52 weeks that's at least three and a half thousand pounds a year. So they can fuck off with their "can't afford a holiday" stuff.

Smoking and bleating about being poor is just evidence of being as thick as mince.

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TheRealAmyLee · 27/07/2015 14:22

YADNBU. Glad you said no. They have a child free week. They can do things at home and it's still a break. I've not been on holiday in years but I've survived. A child free week sounds like bliss!

It winds me up if people spend hundreds a month on fags/booze and then moan they can't afford a holiday. Your cash your choice but if you spend so much of your cash on totally unnecessary stuff you shouldn't be moaning when you have none.

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CrystalCove · 27/07/2015 14:36

They constantly comment on how it is "unfair" that others in the family can afford things they can't

Tough, life can be unfair at times but there's also lots people can do to change their circumstances. So good for you, these type of people rely on trying to guilt trip others into doing what they want.

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Clutterbugsmum · 27/07/2015 14:53

Metacentirc I think cigarettes are nearer £8 a packet so it's nearer 6 grand Plus what every they spend on booze. They probably waste a good 10 grand on both a year. It's no wonder they can't 'improve' the family home and life style.

Don't feel guilty about making a better life for yourself and children, it's not your fault they can not make adult choices to improve their life. There is not much you can do with 'lives victims' as it will always be someone else's fault.

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Jaxinthebox · 27/07/2015 18:18

Glad you've sorted your brother out & pleased that your mum is on hand to tell him to politely fuck off Wink

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