DB/SIL

[jacks11]

I need some perspective. I'm so irritated by DB/SIL's previous unreasonable behaviour I think sometimes I struggle to see the woods for the trees, IYSWIM. I don't know if AIBU- don't think I am, but perhaps I'm wrong.

My parents have recently moved house following DM's retirement (DF retired for a while). They have moved to the area DM grew up in (and we used to visit grandparents for holidays). It was something they had always wanted to do and they were planning to downsize anyway, but when I got a job in the area they decided to move to there (actually about 20 miles from me)- sort of a "now or never" type of thing. I didn't ask them to do it, but I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't pleased.

DB/SIL were not pleased at all, DB thought (but did not ask) that DM would be volunteer to help out with childcare, and as SIL has recently stopped working I think this may have helped them financially (although as SIL is not working, not sure why they need to send DNephew, age 4, to nursery FT anymore). Also thought it was a bit odd to expect regular help with this, as our parents didn't live all that close to DB/SIL anyway and neither of DB or SIL drive.

My parents usually have my DN's for a week or so in the summer- initially it was with their parents but the older boy latterly would visit on his own for a few days and then DB/SIL and younger DNephew would join them for a few more days. Obviously see them at other times of the year too. Slightly different for my DD, as they have been more involved with her due to proximity when she was younger and then the breakdown of my marriage meant they helped out with childcare when I was at working. I had obviously out alternative arrangements in place for when we moved (before parents decided to move).

I get why my brother is irritated that our parents have moved closer to me, but at the end of the day it is up to them where they live and not our decision. I refused to intervene when he wanted me to "tell" our parents not to move, but suggested he talk to them about his feelings if he was upset. I did point out that our parents are not obliged to live where it is convenient for either me or DB, nor are they obliged to provide free childcare (very grateful for their help though, but would have understood if they'd said no)- although I do understand why DB/SIL might feel put out by DM/DF's choice.

DB has just announced that he and SIL have invited themselves to stay with me for a week during the holidays, while DNephews are at our parents- because they can't afford a week away and I "have the room". DB said he would leave it up to me to sort out the details (not quite sure what he meant- does he want me to arrange days out etc?). I was a bit shocked that they had invited themselves and am very reluctant to agree as I don't get on with either of them and just don't really want them to stay in my house for a week. On top of that, the week they want is a week I have taken annual leave to have some "down time"- I don't want to be hosting people I don't feel comfortable with during my time off!

When I said that I had plans that week and it wasn't really convenient, DB launched into a rant about how I "have it all" and it is so unfair. He says I don't appreciate how hard things are for them and all they want is a "week away" and I can't even give them houseroom. If I don't let them come, he and SIL " will not be able have a holiday and that will be down to you"- although they will be going to stay with our parents for a long weekend the week after they had planned to come to mine. This is apparently not a holiday, as they will have their DS's to look after, so won't be able to "just do whatever we want".

Also, they expect me (or maybe DM) to collect them from their home (as they can't drive) and drop DN's off at our parents, then take them to mine and also to do the return journey on the way home because travelling with "all the stuff the kids need" is not practical on public transport. Last time I was asked to act as a taxi service, it was a complete piss-take and I was so angry that I vowed to do nothing to help them again.

DM agrees with me and says DB is rude to invite themselves, DF would like me to allow them to come to keep the peace.

AIBU to refuse to allow them to stay and to point out they are getting a week "to do whatever they want" when our parents have their DS's. I am so annoyed at the assumption that they can book a holiday (and a taxi service) whenever it suits without any consultation.

Where

I agree with your point about DF- I think he has a tendency to have this overly rose-tinted view of family. He would just like us all to be a happy family, and seems to struggle with the fact that this is not going to happen. I do feel for him, but would also like him to respect my decision to keep my distance (both emotionally and physically) from my DB.

Nope, no way.

You've already made plans. It doesn't suit you.

I think it may be more than rose-tinting . He may 'blame' himself for contributing 'addictive genes' to your brother - total nonsense, but sometimes it's easier to take (imaginary) responsibility for an offspring's behaviour in this way than to just plain admit to yourself that your offspring is not someone you'd want to know if they weren't family. That could explain why he's a bit of a soft touch to your brother - imagined recompense. Feels he owes him for those bad genes. I doubt if these are conscious thoughts for your Dad, just those vague unformed almost-subconscious ones . It makes your dad a bit vulnerable to manipulation by your brother.

Do most parents have holiday time away from their kids? It doesn't sound like the life of anyone I know.

I remember your previous thread. I think you need to set boundaries and stick to them. Clearly your brother has some kind of chip on his shoulder, but that doesn't mean you have to accept his version of reality.

Is this the right time for that "Sorry, that doesn't work for me" line?

Im pretty sure I remember your previous thread - have just read the link and I do.

Anyway, you need to tell your brother NO in no uncertain terms. Its his tough shit that he wants something but cant have it.

As for your Dad - he really needs to stop indulging/enabling your brothers behaviour. All the excuses in the world wont change your brother, it is what it is. He thinks he is 'owed' and as long as he has that attitude things wont change.

Your DB and SIL needs to wake up to reality. Take a hard line and stick to it, otherwise your week off will be bloody miserable, you will resent everything, they will take the piss and it will be hell on legs.

I remember your last thread too. My parents are a bit rose tinted, and I have taken a while to put myself and my own sanity first. Stay firm! Reread some of the other threads about people who live by the sea and how they say no to being a free holiday?

I remember your previous thread too.
YANBU.
You've said no and your brother has to accept that.
He can make all the demands in the world but nobody has to go along with them.
If your DF is worried by all the anger your DB has, then that is between the two of them.
Until your DB changes radically I would be staying out of his way. Let him arrange his own lifts, holiday destinations etc without involving you.

Must say if I had struggled with DCs alone whilst DPs helped out on a very regular basis with my DSis's DCs I'd have felt quite hurt.

I would have hoped DPs or DSis realized that there was what could be described as favouritism and maybe arranged visits or whatever to balance the books.

It sounds like you are very involved with your DPs as you live near them.

However I wouldn't have had a strop like your DB about it. But siblings don't go away (until DPs have passed on), I would try to build bridges.

Def tell them not to come - why can't they stay home alone and do nice days out, cinema, friends round whilst DC is away??? Maybe you could go over to there's and take them out for a day?

What's this about inheritance??? Timebomb as far as sibling rivalry concerned and if there has been favouritism then expect some nastiness.

It sounds as though they're coming whether you like it or not. Can you switch your weeks leave for the week after they are with you?
The. You don't have to get involved with their holiday?

If I want to stay with any family member I ask if it's convenient. I don't just assume. if it's not, I either change to a more convenient time or find somewhere else to stay.

I remember reading your other thread, can't believe how entitled they are.

No bloody chance should you let them come, tell him in no uncertain terms it's not happening.

Why are some people so bloody sure that the world revolves around them?

Stick to your guns!

It's not your responsibility to make sure that your brother & SIL have a holiday!

They'll just have to arrange some days out or something whilst their kids are with GPs.

It also sounds as if they haven't deliberatly moved near you, although you being nearby was probably a catalyst to them making the move that they always meant to iyswim.

Well, whatever unfairness he thinks has gone on, no doubt your brother will leave you to do any caring necessary to even it out!

Your brother is a manipulative user with previous form for refusing to own up to damage he causes or even to apologise for his behaviour.
He demands lifts then deliberately engineers delays and continually plays the sympathy card.
He is excellent in getting the rest of the family to feel guilty/sorry for him because of the bad choices he made in the past, including stealing from his DGM.
OP: his children are his responsibility as are their childcare arrangements. Loads of adults do not have a holiday. Perhaps if they wanted a holiday then SIL should have stayed in work? The only reason he wants to come and stay with you is to try and assert his "authority" over you (like when you went to pick him up the last time) and will probably go out of his way to make you miserable if you let him stay. He will also expect you to feed him and SIL, run them around and won't do anything to help.
He can say he is coming to stay until he is blue in the face. It doesn't matter if you have not invited him. Say no and refuse to engage in further conversation.
Who does he think he us to behave like that?

Scooby they're not struggling alone though. It's clear from op's previous threads that her DB and SIL get help from the SIL's parents who are near them. Op's parents also have the Ns in the holidays. So it sounds like they get plenty of help.

Op presumably if they don't drive and won't get a train, they'll have no way of getting to you?

I too read your previous thread with jaw dropped.

No way should you have these staggeringly rude and entitled people to
freeload stay. Family or no family. No way.

No is a complete sentence, remember. Or 'that won't work for me'. And repeat.

And I'm afraid your DF will just have to deal with it too. I'm angry on your behalf that somehow your 'D'b's shocking behaviour is being turned into your fault somehow. Please don't let this happen.

Do not let them stay. The fact that you are even having to ask if you would be unreasonable to say no, shows that it will not be a good week!!

It is YOUR home and no-one has the right to dictate what happens there - not your brother OR your father.

I am rather intrigued as to the real reasons why they want to stay and as much as I would not like to think bad of them I would be wondering of there would be "accidental" damage or things missing at the end of it

I remember your previous thread. I agree with those who say he thinks you 'owe' him, and he wants to take advantage of that whether or not he actually wants what is owed. So he doesn't really want a holiday at your house - but he does want the inconvenience for you, in order to make a point.

Or else he's hoping that you won't want him to come to the extent that you say 'Instead of coming to me, little bro, here's £XX so that you and SIL can have a proper holiday'. Because you got more inheritance so you can afford it, in his eyes.

Either way I think you need to say a repeated and firm no. What a pair of entitled arses.

Definitely not unreasonable of you to say it doesn't suit. Perhaps you and your parents could change the week that their children will be away? But it would be very, very nice of you and you're not obliged to do it at all. I would also not be doing the taxi service.

A pair of "Big Girl Pants" to empower you OP.

Put them on and tell your brother that his plans are not suitable to you - he needs to stay elsewhere and stop being an immature, moody PITFA.

That'd be a definite 'no'.

I love my brothers but a week would be too much for any of us and as yours is such an arse, I'd never let him darken your door.

I'd take the fallout over a whole week with these users.

Thanks all,

You are right, I just need to say no. I will put on my big girl pants and phone him later with a very firm "no". Whatever his reasons for wanting to come, it will be a disaster. And as others have said, plenty of families can't afford to go on holiday- although I see them staying with my parents as sort of a holiday. I have no doubt he will make a fuss, but I will just have to ignore him.

DF does tend veer towards quiet life, but he was also brought up that "family is family" and you forgive pretty much everything. He has a tendency to see the best in everyone and is very kind and generous man. He will always help others, including people he barely knows but sometimes he has this tendency to gloss over the negatives. With DB that is definitely the case. He just desperately wants a happy family, where we all get on wonderfully and are very close. However, he needs to come to terms with the fact that this is not the case.

Your brother is forgetting the fact that living near parents is not always win-win situation. As years go by, and they perhaps require more assistance with day-to-day living, that will inevitably fall to you rather than him, because of the logistics of geography and you'll probably be glad to help as you're nice, whereas he isn't.

And I too read your previous thread. Is this the brother who stole from your grandmother, refused to apologise or give it back when rumbled, and then complained when she subsequently cut him out of her will, wanting you to share your inheritance with him? Nice bloke. If you do cave and let him come to stay, remember to lock away your valuables.

I would also be having a frank conversation with Dad. Tell him that yes, family is family, but you dont have to be best buddies - you will always be cordial, you dont have to be an Ostrich and while he will always be your brother - you are not his punchbag, nor his cash cow!

Not sure your Dad actually helps this situation, probably makes it worse and your freeloading brother is enabled every time he stamps his feet and has a toddler tantrum

OP yanbu! No way would I let them come and stay after their behaviour towards you in your last thread! They sound very rude and entitled and there's no way you should let them invade your home for a week!

'No' to your brother. End of.

Let your mum deal with your dad.