DB/SIL

[jacks11]

I need some perspective. I'm so irritated by DB/SIL's previous unreasonable behaviour I think sometimes I struggle to see the woods for the trees, IYSWIM. I don't know if AIBU- don't think I am, but perhaps I'm wrong.

My parents have recently moved house following DM's retirement (DF retired for a while). They have moved to the area DM grew up in (and we used to visit grandparents for holidays). It was something they had always wanted to do and they were planning to downsize anyway, but when I got a job in the area they decided to move to there (actually about 20 miles from me)- sort of a "now or never" type of thing. I didn't ask them to do it, but I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't pleased.

DB/SIL were not pleased at all, DB thought (but did not ask) that DM would be volunteer to help out with childcare, and as SIL has recently stopped working I think this may have helped them financially (although as SIL is not working, not sure why they need to send DNephew, age 4, to nursery FT anymore). Also thought it was a bit odd to expect regular help with this, as our parents didn't live all that close to DB/SIL anyway and neither of DB or SIL drive.

My parents usually have my DN's for a week or so in the summer- initially it was with their parents but the older boy latterly would visit on his own for a few days and then DB/SIL and younger DNephew would join them for a few more days. Obviously see them at other times of the year too. Slightly different for my DD, as they have been more involved with her due to proximity when she was younger and then the breakdown of my marriage meant they helped out with childcare when I was at working. I had obviously out alternative arrangements in place for when we moved (before parents decided to move).

I get why my brother is irritated that our parents have moved closer to me, but at the end of the day it is up to them where they live and not our decision. I refused to intervene when he wanted me to "tell" our parents not to move, but suggested he talk to them about his feelings if he was upset. I did point out that our parents are not obliged to live where it is convenient for either me or DB, nor are they obliged to provide free childcare (very grateful for their help though, but would have understood if they'd said no)- although I do understand why DB/SIL might feel put out by DM/DF's choice.

DB has just announced that he and SIL have invited themselves to stay with me for a week during the holidays, while DNephews are at our parents- because they can't afford a week away and I "have the room". DB said he would leave it up to me to sort out the details (not quite sure what he meant- does he want me to arrange days out etc?). I was a bit shocked that they had invited themselves and am very reluctant to agree as I don't get on with either of them and just don't really want them to stay in my house for a week. On top of that, the week they want is a week I have taken annual leave to have some "down time"- I don't want to be hosting people I don't feel comfortable with during my time off!

When I said that I had plans that week and it wasn't really convenient, DB launched into a rant about how I "have it all" and it is so unfair. He says I don't appreciate how hard things are for them and all they want is a "week away" and I can't even give them houseroom. If I don't let them come, he and SIL " will not be able have a holiday and that will be down to you"- although they will be going to stay with our parents for a long weekend the week after they had planned to come to mine. This is apparently not a holiday, as they will have their DS's to look after, so won't be able to "just do whatever we want".

Also, they expect me (or maybe DM) to collect them from their home (as they can't drive) and drop DN's off at our parents, then take them to mine and also to do the return journey on the way home because travelling with "all the stuff the kids need" is not practical on public transport. Last time I was asked to act as a taxi service, it was a complete piss-take and I was so angry that I vowed to do nothing to help them again.

DM agrees with me and says DB is rude to invite themselves, DF would like me to allow them to come to keep the peace.

AIBU to refuse to allow them to stay and to point out they are getting a week "to do whatever they want" when our parents have their DS's. I am so annoyed at the assumption that they can book a holiday (and a taxi service) whenever it suits without any consultation.

[SuckMySquallop]

Tell him to fuck off. Go NC, get your freedom and sanity back. No sibling relationship is worth this angst.

And tell your SIL the same.

[Scoobydoo8]

he was also brought up that "family is family"

So was I - the upshot is that EVERYONE is acting a part, no one can be honest. Causes so much underlying stress which you are unaware of until it stops.

Then once it's stopped you all learn to accept each other warts and all (or not but no one has been ostracized yet - we just control better how much we see each other) - it's a happier scenario in the end.

[Fatmomma99]

Agree with everyone else, but also think you need to have a conversation with your dad. Sounds to me like he's got some guilt around you DB, and he's using you to help him with that, and that's not fair.

Maybe you could say something firm to him like "If you feel that way, Dad, YOU put them up/pay for them to stay in a B&B or whatever, but please don't ask me to".

Good luck with the big pants. I'd quite like a pair. (although with my bottom, they'd be like a thong on me!)

[2rebecca]

Another no, although I'm not sure why they want to come. If they don't get on with you and their kids will be away why can't they have a holiday at home? Surely that would be more relaxing than with relatives you dislike.
Alternatively SIL gets a job and then they have more money.
You don't run a hotel, it's not your job to pander to them and cook all their meals for a week because they want you to.
Agree that if your father wants to give them cash for a holiday that's up to him but make it clear them staying with you and treating your house like a hotel and you like their maid doesn't help bring the family together.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

I read your other thread and would like to echo what the others have posted so far. It's quite ok to say to your brother that you're not able to accommodate him, his wife and your nephews. I can't believe that I'm about to type what I'm about to but "No is a complete sentence". learned that from MN

Best of luck to you when you either phone or email him to tell him your decision.

[kungfupannda]

Good grief no! I remember your other thread. Having them to stay would be a recipe for complete disaster, and quite probably the death-knell for your relationship with them.

[yorkshapudding]

YANBU in the slightest. Any reasonable, decent person would realise that it is completely and utterly unacceptable to invite yourself to stay at somebody's home and then throw a tantrum when told that it's not convenient. Your DB is behaving like a petulant child. As for your DF, he can be as "adamant" as he likes, this has absolutely nothing to do with him and he is not entitled to a say in the matter. The very fact that your DF expects you to change your plans and put up with DB's intolerable rudeness to "keep the peace" speaks volumes about how and why your DB has turned out this way to be honest. I suspect you will not be able to reason with him, he simply needs to be told "no", firmly and clearly. You may wish to do so by text or email since any verbal discussion is likely to result in more rude, bullying behaviour. If your DF has a problem with your decision then a simple "I'm sorry you feel that way but this is between me and DB" should suffice. You do not have to take this shit. I am actually furious on your behalf.

[snala]

How did the call go?

[jacks11]

snala

I called today, said "it is just not convenient for you to come. I think it was a bit much to invite yourself to stay in the first place, please don't do that again". I was expecting a huge temper tantrum but got a very PA "well if that's the case, fine. I don't know what we're going to do for a holiday now you've refused to help..." I replied that while I sympathised that it was a shame they couldn't go on holiday, they are getting some child free time for a break and it really isn't my responsibility to provide holidays for them in any case. DB said it would be nicer if I was willing to "share my good fortune" and then hung up. As things go with him, this is a less dramatic reaction than I had expected, although obviously still very rude.

I expect tantrums at a later date and probably a telephone call to DF with a "poor me" sob story about how mean I am being. However DM have been warned that I was going to say no, and he'll get no sympathy there. Df knows this is not a negotiable thing and has actually agreed inviting yourself to holiday in someones home without asking is unacceptable behaviour. He thought about asking them to stay longer with them, but DM put her foot down and said she was having the children to give them a break, she wasn't waiting on them too!

[Penfold007]

Well done jacks11 now just stay strong. DB & SIL are getting a weeks free childcare they can 'holiday' at home.

[BettyCatKitten]

A weeks free child care is a fucking holiday as far as I'm concerned! No ones ever done that for me, the ungrateful twat!

[Fatmomma99]

Well done.

[jacks11]

Just off phone to DM- I was right! He has already phoned to say how upset he is that I won't have them for the week. He was hoping that as I had now moved to a place he has happy memories of childhood holidays, he'd be able to share it with his DW. As they can't afford to stay in a B&B or rent a cottage, it would be nice if I could let them stay in my home as "it's not like she doesn't have the room". I have a nice house, but it's hardly a mansion!

DM told him to stop being so silly and pointed out that he was rude to invite himself to stay. He didn't stay on the phone long after that.

[RiverTam]

Good for you and DM!

[OhItsYouAgain]

OP, so glad you've said no but I think you're right that this isn't the end.

My MIL wears rose tinted glasses where my DH and his DB are concerned and will sometimes bring DB with her when she visits without telling us. They really don't get on and it's so awkward!

The funny part is, she is NC with her sister!!

[notapizzaeater]

Good for you and your mum, will he now try and bypass you both and go to DF ?

[Minicaters]

Well handled OP, hope this is the end of it. Enjoy your down time, you have earned it. And if you start to feel guilty, just remind yourself how they treated you last time. You absolutely do not owe them this.

[BitchBags]

I'm so glad you said no op. Don't let anyone guilt trip you into changing your mind!

[LavenderLeigh]

Well done!
If they want a holiday then his wife should go back to work instead of expecting you to subsidise their lifestyle. Outrageous, entitled behaviour.
Good point made above about your DF enabling/validating his behaviour.

Tell him those lifts to the party were your wY of sharing your good fortune but his behaviour means you are no longer willing to be manipulated by him and to stop moaning to your parents and start acting like an adult!

[2rebecca]

I find it bizarre that 1 sibling would expect another to provide hotel services for them so they can have a holiday, especially when they don't get on.
It's the sort of thing you might offer to a sibling whose company you enjoy not demand from one who you resent and don't get on with..

[NadiaWadia]

Your brother's behaviour is rude, entitled and just very odd... Well done to you for resisting his demands.

And why do they have to have a child-free week in order to have a holiday? Do they not enjoy the company of their own DCs? Weird!

[diddl]

It might be a bit different if you all actually got on!

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Your brother has some serious boundary issues he needs to address and soon. It's very 'entitled' behaviour to just invite yourself to someone elses house (irrespective of the size of the house) for a holiday, just because. He has to give up the idea that the world owes him. It doesn't.

Well done on your phone calls. Let us know if he decides to do anything else bizarre, wont you?

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Glad you and your mum have said no.

[snala]

That's great, well done both of you!