To ask what constitutes a big spend that needs you to discuss with your other half in your house?

[DoeEyedNear]

Do you have a monetary limit or specific items that you feel must be discussed with your partner before purchasing?

Aibu to think spending £1000 without discussing it with your partner isn't on?

One month's income!

YANBU to be upset about that at all, OP

The earning/not earning thing is a bit iffy- usually I see it in cases where it's ammo being leveraged at SAHPs, but if this is a scenario where you are both in agreement that he needs to be working but he has chosen not to see work, than YANBU to be upset at his extra spending. Although I think the issue is more tight finances than earning/not earning. Did the money come out of his own finances? Do you have any shared money at all?

£1000 would probably require a discussion in most households. In a home where it's the month's wages, it DEFINITELY needs a discussion. Unless he was completely unaware of the financial situation, which is whole other kettle of fish.

But could you hint at the item category, e.g. is it something like sports gear, a collection of garden gnomes or is it something like a couple of bespoke suits or a toolkit (i.e. something that could help him get a new job).

seek work

Tell him good luck with finding the money to pay back the loan. Keep a tight hold on the finances so he doesn't use any of your money.

Pft. In that scenario, if the loan is purely in his name, I'd be telling him to find the repayments himself and would wash my hands of it.

My ex did that. We drew £1800 between us and half of that was mortgage, car insurance, house insurance etc. he went out and spend £1000 on some alloy wheels for his car, which also put his insurance up, and then said he'd have to reduce the amount transferred into the joint account each month. I was too timid to actually complain.

For us as that's what was asked DH has sporadic income. Large amounts, but every 2-3 months. I earn a very good wages that pays me on time every month, not just when the boss decides to pay. If I wanted to spend £2000 on a handbag, I'd buy the handbag. Unless he's just been paid, he asks
Permission for £500 plus. Mainly as we don't have a joint account so he'd have no idea what's in the account and so I can have another rant about his arsehole boss

If either of us wanted to spend a months wages in something, whether cash or on tick, and didn't tell the other all hell would break loose.

It depends what it was. We usually discuss most things of joint interest such as electrical items or holidays but items such as cameras/games consoles for DH or Clothes/bags for me are not up for discussion. If I was on a strict budget I imagine this wouldn't be the case.

I rarely consult my DH about what either of us spend and I'm definitely the 'spender' in our relationship. I suppose I do hold back a bit, I used to spend a lot on myself but I rarely do that know. My spending is usually all on the children, so if I was to buy something for them - say a pushchair, for example - I wouldn't necessarily say anything. I know that my DH gets annoyed when I do this but since we both contribute equal amounts, and I don't spend what we haven't got, then he doesn't really say anything.

When I say 'pushchair' it wouldn't be a necessity! We have decent pushchair but I've bought two more and eventually sold them on when they weren't being used. I'd actually feel too guilty to splurge on something for myself and I know my DH would too, so we'd both always say something first.

It seems like this spending is a symptom of a bigger issue in your relationship, do you feel like he thinks more about himself than how things might affect the family? Are you feeling resentful?

FWIW I know redundancy is definitely not his fault but I do think that working/not working is relevant because not affects how quickly funds can be replaced.

We don't have any hard and fast rules. I'm a SAHM and DH the sole wage earner currently but I manage the finances so he's more likely to 'ask' to buy something than me as he needs to check if we can afford it. Clothes etc for myself I'd mention in passing. Bigger purchases for the children for example id run past him, not because I need permission necessarily but just so he's in the loop.
We don't have the household budget currently to spend £1000 on an item so it just wouldn't happen.

It depends on the thing. DH recently spent about £150 on a coat. I'd do the same. We'dnot eg spend that on a bottle of wine.

Yes dh would like to spend about 4k on a bike but simply wouldn't without my involvement..
Op I hope you get this sorted

£1000 is a big spend, particularly on something non essential.

Your husband should have discussed this. Your family cannot afford it at the moment.

dh and I have very different attitudes to money and it has caused us a huge amount of angst over the years. What we do now is have separate accounts from which we each pay an agreed amount of household costs (dh pays the bills, I pay the mortgage). Plus we each put an agreed amount of savings away. Everything left over is for us individually. That means that dh (or I ) could spend $1000 (we are in Canada) totally on ourselves or our hobbies without consultation so long as it is from our own money. dh tends to spend on electronics and I tend to spend on gardening. Joint spending we discuss (holidays, furniture, cars etc).

In the OP's situation I would be very very pissed off, not just because of the amount, but also because it sounds like a selfish spend, it was on credit, and the dh has no way personally of paying it back. Plus it sounds as if he is not looking very hard for work so isn't taking any personal responsibility for what sounds like a really stressful financial position. I can quite see that that might be a relationship breaker.

I dont think the issue here is that he isnt working, I think it is more that he spent a months wages on a presumable frippery that was not budgeted for or could afford, hence his borrowing of money.

OP Id be cross if it put us in debt and wasnt discussed, but you havent really explained what it was. If it was essential dental work or similar Id be sympathetic, but if it was a 'toy' then Id be totally fucked off.

OP, whatever he says, I'm afraid it's a deal breaker. Wrong on so many levels!

In our house, it would be anything that we don't 'need' (immediate need - food, things for kids etc.) that was over £20 really. At that cost, it wouldn't be a long discussion - can we afford it this month or should it wait till next month sort of thing. Anything over £100 would need more planning.

But in this case, it's not just the amount spent that would piss me off. Taking on debt affects everyone in the household, especially if you're not the one earning. If one of us wanted to spend £1000 on something just for us, we'd agree a way of saving for it first because any new debts would have a big affect on our outgoings.

For us it would really depend what the item was. Eg if it was something we'd talked previously about getting (I spent £200 yesterday on an armchair). But if it was like you, something only I could use if imagine dh would be a bit annoyed. Given that we're currently saving for s house.
Anything more than £200ish though I think would start making me (and dh) twitch.

That said I ride a lot so have probably spent about £1k on equipment/clothing etc over the years. Just not in one lump.

DH and I both work, so if it was something for one of us we'd buy it out of our own individual money, saving up if necessary. Tbh, if if was anything over maybe £150-200, we'd probably still discuss it, even if it wasn't coming out of the joint family finances. Anything coming out of the joint account gets accounted for to the other person first but it's usually something we have agreed/need to buy for the family anyway. Neither of us would use the joint account for a purchase purely for ourselves.

I would be furious if my DH spent £1000 without discussing it at all with me first, even if he had paid for it with his "own money" - it's not about the money, that's obviously his to do with as he wishes, but more the lack of respect and communication about it.

OP, I'm in a similar situation to you in that I'm the wage earner and DH isn't working.
If he were to spend £1k on something without discussing it first I would be absolutely livid. It would be going back to the shop (if possible) and he would also have to explain why he felt he could take me for granted in such a way. That said, if he spent that, that's 2/3 of our net income, so he'd be leaving us unable to pay bills and mortgage.

There are no hard and fast rules on spending in our house, but all major purchases (50 quid or above ish) are discussed in advance.

Big expenditure often means decisions that involve other people (travel/furniture/redecorating etc) so we discuss the purchase because of the implications for other people's lives as much as for the cost. I never, ever consult before buying clothes as they are my own business and don't involve cooperation/disruption of others. DP sometimes buys himself big expensive toys without mentioning it to me first but I doubt very much whether he spends more on personal items (clothes/toys) over the year than I do.

We're the type pf couple who talks about everything anyway so most things get spoken about. There has been a lot of spending in this house this month. The first was a bugaboo donkey (we're expecting no2) we talked extensively before I made the final purchase. I then went ahead and bought the attaching carseat for near 120 (I didn't consult before), I also bought our DD a playhouse for 275 (we had discussed a few months back, but I only informed him once I had ordered it) and then I spent 80 on new clothes for DD...I still haven't mentioned that. I'm a SAHM.

Interesting.
My ex bought a house without consulting me.

DH has bought a bike before without discussing it with me, probably for 1k ish. I think it depends on circumstances/ financial equity in the house, I have a rather expensive hobby and we are comfortably off. It also depends on if the money has come from the joint account. But if the spending will negatively impact on the family yanbu at all.

Yanbu.

Many years ago my Ex bought a guitar and a motorbike with his redundancy money- blew the lot and left me to pay for everything as we were renting a flat at the time. I was really pissed off as I wasn't earning a great deal.

DH and I are in a totally different financial place.
We would discuss big things for the home, a new car, holidays but not just for financial reasons, more like "which shall we have?".
We're not hugely materialistic but anything else we would just buy.

We both work- he earns a lot lot more than me, but I have put in an equal contribution over the years and it's all shared.

AlfAlf I'm not trying to be the topic police - it certainly is a valid AIBU discussion anyway. I just think the OP would eventually find it more useful to have a talk about her entire relationship, than a rant about unreasonableness over this spend.

Personally, I can't imagine not mentioning buying something for a month's income - simply because I CHAT to my partner! Closest for me was when I bought a van for £4K, more than a month of income. I didn't ask permission. We had accounts for our (similar) wages. I could afford it. But I certainly did say "you know what? I'm going to do it - I'm going to get that van!"

Drip feed not helping. However, suspect the big spend may be a symptom of something else. What the partner did isn't on. At all. But... is this an amount that would have been acceptable when he was earning, and he's in denial? Are you guys communicating? Is he depressed, and trying to cheer himself up, because he doesn't want to go to the doctor? Has he been drinking more?

Yes, I'd be livid. Absolutely. But after you've splurged your lividity (bugger, that means something else) on here, go back and try to talk to him. No, to mutually communicate. I get that you are knackered, and worried, and scared, and angry. But the odds are pretty high that he needs help. It might just be that he's an inconsiderate arsehole, or this could be a bloody stupid cry for help.