To ask what constitutes a big spend that needs you to discuss with your other half in your house?

[DoeEyedNear]

Do you have a monetary limit or specific items that you feel must be discussed with your partner before purchasing?

Aibu to think spending £1000 without discussing it with your partner isn't on?

I am also betting it's a push bike

I don't think he cares. As far as he's concerned I'm being unreasonable for not understanding his need for this item.

Its not a bike if it were a bike I'd be happy.

Sorry didn't mean to sound flippant, in your circumstances I would also be furious

I don't feel it's OK for either of us to spend so selfishly right now.

Fair enough but the fact that he is not earning any money because he is redundant should not be relevant.

And is this out of character? Are you surprised? Or is this just the inevitable result of standard selfishness? Because if it's a on-off then there's probably more going on - how has he coped with redundancy?

I don't think OP has ever suggested they would spend £1000 without consultation, mary

For us it's the % rather than the amount. I would be livid if DH spent the equivalent of a month's salary without consultation.

Did he get a redundancy payout op? Does he perhaps feel that there's a chunk of money there and so he's entitled to make a big one-off purchase?

£2700. Apparently. Recently I came into some money and spent £2700 (not all of the money by any means) on a pair of diamond studs. DH (who was actually with me in the shop) gobsmacked at the amount as had no idea what diamonds cost and thought I should have run it past him.

But he didn't really discuss the amount beforehand when he bought himself a boy's toy vintage land rover a couple of years ago. Actually it was not a real problem, he told me he was going to buy it, as I told him abt the earrings, but neither of us discussed actual figures.

PS we are in complete agreement that all our money is joint. And neither of us would spring a large purchase on the other out of the blue, as it were.

We don't really discuss what we spend but we sure would if it was £1000! Up to 2-300 we probably would just say we were spending it and making sure there was plenty in the kitty.
Your husband is being totally selfish and unreasonable. What could he possibly 'need' that costs that much? If it's some ghastly leisure technology thing it would be in his suitcase and he'd be out of the door with it.

Ok in our circumstances consult on shared purchases (new sofa etc) beyond that spend as we desire.

But that would not work in your current situation and I would be livid at dh in this situation.

I don't really understand why you've started a pretty irrelevant discussion that's mainly relevant to income about how much people spend.

Can I suggest that you repost in Relationships with a direct title and discuss it there?

Not that I think people on that board are any more insightful or supportive than those here (most are the same!) just that you've bogged your issue down a bit here.

That's clearly more to this - like him not being arsed to find a job.

Whether I'd divorce him would depend on our history and what else was happening between us. If it was a stupid purchase but he thought it was going to help with employability, and he was otherwise and in the past great, I mean.

I do know I'd not be paying a penny of the loan and covering anything more of house expenses as a result - and if that meant a default on a loan, so be it. I'd certainly be expecting him to return it at a loss or sell it on immediately, the shortfall might be something he could meet.

If it's mine I spend it, no discussion however big the purchase, although it's obvious how much, same with DH. So long as we can afford it, it's not a problem.

What is it?!

I guess you're trying not to out yourself but it feels as though you're withholding quite important information eg how he thought he was going to pay back the loan; what the item is (since he thinks he needs it and you've not even addressed whether he 'needs' it or not because you're so focused on him not discussing it with you first).

You're obviously very angry about this Op but I can't help but feel you're only giving the information that you think will get posters to support your position.

A DP being made redundant creates enormous pressure for everyone and you sound very hacked off with him. I don't know if that attitude came before his purchase (and prompted the lack of discussion) or if it's in response to the lack of discussion. You don't sound like you respect him.

I always give him updates on general spends from the cost of the weekly shop to a little splurge on children's clothing. There's no limit to this, it's just keeping him in the loop. I also tell him what I spend from my personal money because it's there for the family if we need it.

Cabrinha I think we've all been fairly unanimous that we wouldn't be happy about £1000 selfish surprise purchase by a dh/dp, regardless of our individual income or current finances.
I think it's a valid aibu, albeit one with an obvious answer.

AlfAlf it hasn't been unanimous.

Doesn't matter how I share finances with my DP. In your particular circumstances your DP has been massively selfish.

What is his justification?

I would be incandescent.

It hasn't been unanimous.

That's why I said fairly.

I'm going to assume, since he's not working, that he expects 'the family' to pay back the loan.

My DH and I have a really convoluted set of 'rules' around spending money shaped over many years of marriage. But basically we discuss anything over $100 (usd) to be spent out of our 'household' money. That being said, we each have a somewhat expensive hobby that we fund separately from our own income. But neither of us would EVER 'borrow' either from the household money or a loan to fund our hobby.

I'd just as concerned though about his lack of searching for a job, any job. Excessive spending and lack of motivation are big red flags for depression.

We both work and have no kids and trust each other to save most of the time, so we don't really discuss any purchases, although obviously we both chose our main car and our house.

In your situation, though, I'd be very pissed off.

To be fair to the op. Her dh has been made redundant. They didn't make the decision to be reduced to one income. In those circumstances if my dp spent one month's income on something for him alone I'd be furious.

I'm generally the bigger earner but have taken a step back to move countries for dh's job. His is the only salary at the moment. Anything over fifty would be discussed.