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Original poster

How do I confront my OH about this?

116 replies

Madredear · 23/07/2015 06:20

Hi ladies,
So last night I was being a snoopy dog, and just out of interest, looked at OH's texts page to see when I last texted him. However, I couldn't help but notice this number that he didn't save as a contact.
I opened the text, and in a nutshell, he asked if this girl was a shemale and the reply was yes. Then he gave her two pictures of himself (normal fully clothes ones), and she sent him a selfie of herself. I can't help but remember him saying: ''I've never slept with a shemale before but I think it's time ð?? x''

After that, he asked her if he'd have to come to her (she replied yes, and that she's staying at Queen's park). Then he inquired how much? She said 200. Anyway, the convocation ended when she asked when he'd come see her, to which he replied 'when I can afford you lol'.

I'm really confused.. How can I confront him about this, when in truth, I WAS in the wrong for snooping on his phone. What annoys me most is he didn't think to delete these messages, and his phone doesn't have a pass code and we always use each others candy crush etc so obviously he couldn't have been that bothered I found it Hmm
Whay can I do? Is this worth bringing up? I know where he is all the time week days (busy working) and he's always home promptly. At weekends, he is always with me or fishing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madredear · 23/07/2015 08:13

Ilovesooty, why is porn an issue? Most men watch porn and haven't got the slightest intention to do what my partner has done, let alone go through with anything.

I myself watch it occasionally.

OP posts:
dilbert19912 · 23/07/2015 08:13

If you're prepared to lower your standards to be with a man who will treat you like this and you are Willing to overlook this I don't think you are going to get the response you want from MN.

fastdaytears · 23/07/2015 08:14

I'm sorry OP but i really can't see it stopping here, or you being able to trust him again.

dilbert19912 · 23/07/2015 08:14

You may see it as harmless fun but for most women that shit is a deal breaker.

Bubblesinthesummer · 23/07/2015 08:16

And it gets more and more absurd...

ilovesooty · 23/07/2015 08:17

I never said anything about porn.

NewFlipFlops · 23/07/2015 08:17

Surely, if this is real, and the OP has no interest in the property, and there are no DCs, it's a no-brainer. Just walk away and get checked out to be on the safe side. Am I missing something? Confused

Oh yeah and get pics of texts.

Original poster
Madredear · 23/07/2015 08:18

Sorry ilovesooty, I mentioned the wrong person

OP posts:
Original poster
Madredear · 23/07/2015 08:19

Newflipflops, why would I take pictures of the texts if I'm walking a away, just out of interest?

OP posts:
Tanfastic · 23/07/2015 08:23

I think we've covered it haven't we? We are going round in circles. Everybody has given fantastic advice.

To be frank it's either put up or shut up. There is no middle ground op. It's no good saying well what if this and what if that.

If you are okay with it fine, but if that is the case why are you posting on Mumsnet and getting fantastic advice about how in most people's eyes it's not okay and then getting all defensive?

TyrannosaurusBex · 23/07/2015 08:28

As your thread title asks how you should confront your OH, I think it's pretty understandable that posters are confused that you're intending to 'look the other way' as it's 'harmless fun'.

Pagwatch · 23/07/2015 08:31

I'd stay with him. He sounds like a keeper.

firesidechat · 23/07/2015 08:31

Newflipflops, why would I take pictures of the texts if I'm walking a away, just out of interest?

But you're not walking away are you?

Very odd feel to these posts.

RepeatAdNauseum · 23/07/2015 08:32

Does he usually leave his phone at home when he's working?

He probably wanted you to find the messages. It's easier for you to snoop and find out that he's saving for a prostitute then for him to have to tell you and end things himself.

AuntyMag10 · 23/07/2015 08:33

Raise your standards, you're prepared to look the other way when your dh is sleeping prostitutes and you think it's okHmm

Spartans · 23/07/2015 08:34

I looked because I wanted to see what they posted on Instagram. As a far as I can see it's the same as any of the the 'women in bikinis' or 'men with 6 packs' type accounts.

firesidechat · 23/07/2015 08:35

I like to think there may be someone with this problem out there reading this though, so it's always worth throwing some good advice out there smile

True, but I doubt there are many posters out there with a similar casual approach to their partner contacting a transsexual prostitute.

chairmeoh · 23/07/2015 08:36

Less than 2 hours ago you were silently crying and feeling physically sick. Now you're talking about looking the other way.

I don't think I could look the other way. I'd be constantly checking up on him. I'd be worrying every time he went out or had a £200 windfall. That level of mistrust is not a happy or healthy relationship.

Your original question was how to confront him. You've been given some good suggestions. For your own peace of mind, use them.

pilates · 23/07/2015 08:36
Hmm Biscuit
Original poster
Madredear · 23/07/2015 08:40

What's made me want to confrot him now is someone saying he wanted me to find those texts? Is there any truth in this?
He doesn't leave his phone, he takes it to work, but he always leaves it lying around.
Usually when someone is hiding something they keep it hidden.
Does this mean he either doesn't care enough to hide it or subconsciously has forget all about it and thought it was just a bit of silly interest?

OP posts:
withalittlebitofluck · 23/07/2015 08:40

Snooping vs shemale.. Shemale is worst..
Confront and don't let the snooping become the issue. (Although if you both share phones normally it's not snooping)

bigbumtheory · 23/07/2015 08:41

It bothers you most he didnt delete the messages??! Why? So you could be ignorant that he wants and plans to cheat with a prostitute?

Does he often watch porn op? Or go online a lot? Because that sounds very like some texts I found which were from him going on camming and hook up sites.

Oh and that partner is an ex by the way because he planned and (found later) had cheated. I had his permission to go through phone- was getting him a contact for work and he left the personal one. Still though I thoink that if you check you have suspicious and relationship obviously not great and while bad its hot qs bad: like someone said, comparing murder and stealing from tesco.

Spartans · 23/07/2015 08:48

But you don't trust him as you go trough his phone.

Lookin the other way, means looking the other way.

I don't think you can, very few people can. You will torture yourself checking up on him

ewanhoozami · 23/07/2015 08:50

It'd bother me that he didn't delete the messages as it'd be proof that he is thick as mince as well as the more sensitive part of your issue.

Cabrinha · 23/07/2015 08:59

You didn't look at his phone to find out when you last texted him.
What a load of bollocks!