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Original poster

How do I confront my OH about this?

116 replies

Madredear · 23/07/2015 06:20

Hi ladies,
So last night I was being a snoopy dog, and just out of interest, looked at OH's texts page to see when I last texted him. However, I couldn't help but notice this number that he didn't save as a contact.
I opened the text, and in a nutshell, he asked if this girl was a shemale and the reply was yes. Then he gave her two pictures of himself (normal fully clothes ones), and she sent him a selfie of herself. I can't help but remember him saying: ''I've never slept with a shemale before but I think it's time ð?? x''

After that, he asked her if he'd have to come to her (she replied yes, and that she's staying at Queen's park). Then he inquired how much? She said 200. Anyway, the convocation ended when she asked when he'd come see her, to which he replied 'when I can afford you lol'.

I'm really confused.. How can I confront him about this, when in truth, I WAS in the wrong for snooping on his phone. What annoys me most is he didn't think to delete these messages, and his phone doesn't have a pass code and we always use each others candy crush etc so obviously he couldn't have been that bothered I found it Hmm
Whay can I do? Is this worth bringing up? I know where he is all the time week days (busy working) and he's always home promptly. At weekends, he is always with me or fishing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madredear · 23/07/2015 06:48

As for the Instagram thing, I just laughed (I'm not now). I know he has a fetish for that as one of his top porn searches is 'Shemale porn', along with hot Milfs etc etc

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 23/07/2015 06:49

You don't have to know what you want long term. Just say you saw the Instrgram thing (which is public- what was he thinking?) and were really worried so checked his phone. Now you stop and let him speak. Silence is very powerful. Then he needs to move out at least temporarily and give you time to think and him time to come clean about anything that's happened IRL. The Relationships board will give you much clearer advice than that!
Then you find some good friends, wine and get yourself as much support as you can.

loolah83 · 23/07/2015 06:50

Confront him!!

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this but checking his texts is nowhere near the same league as planning to pay for sex/cheat on you.

Tanfastic · 23/07/2015 06:50

Oh fuck me it gets worse "top porn search" Confused

Original poster
Madredear · 23/07/2015 06:51

Fastdaytears, I'll be the one moving out, not him. It's his flat, unfortunately.

OP posts:
Spartans · 23/07/2015 06:52

Just tell him.

I wouldn't even lie. I would say that I had gone through his phone (giving the reason that you did) and found the messages to a prostitute. Then looked at you social media account and see you are following she males. I would follow it up with 'pack your shit and get out' or if your name isn't on the tenancy/mortgage then tell you are moving out.

dilbert19912 · 23/07/2015 06:52

He sounds amazing, what's his pof username? Wink

oabiti · 23/07/2015 06:53

If it took you to snoop to find the truth, then so be it. It wasn't an ideal thing to do, but, c'mon, neither is enquiring on how much it would cost to have sex with someone else when you are married!

Prostitute, she-male, whatever, he is not coming correct.

Hope you get it sorted, op, sooner rather than later.

Original poster
Madredear · 23/07/2015 06:56

Some part of me wishes I'd never bothered opening the text, because if I didn't, I'd be none the wiser and I don't think he'd do it, in my head I know he was just getting frisky with a fantasy... I don't know.
I owe it to myself to do what's right though.

OP posts:
GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 23/07/2015 06:57

I'd be lining up somewhere else to stay while he was at work and be gone by the time he got home. If there are likely to be any financial / legal issues, take photos of the texts, transfer your money out and go. --I'd also be tempted to leave a tenner on the side with a note saying 'now you only need £190', as the only clue to why I'd gone, but then I'm a sarcastic bitch'

GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 23/07/2015 06:57

Strike out fail!

Original poster
Madredear · 23/07/2015 06:59

Grumpyoldbiddy2, I'm wetting myself at that suggestion ???? shame I don't have a tenner spare...

OP posts:
GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 23/07/2015 07:02

10p? And say now you only have to find £190.90. Even more insulting - brilliant!

Tanfastic · 23/07/2015 07:02

Sounds to me op that you've known he has this interest for a while as you've obviously been browsing his Internet history and checking his social media accounts.

It may just be him exploring his fantasies and he may never follow these up but personally I couldn't live with someone like that.

With the greatest of respect it sounds to me like you are trying to minimise this by making excuses like its just him getting frisky. That's all well and good, if you think you can live with that and it's a normal part of your relationship then who are we to judge but if its upsetting you then that isn't ok is it?

LilyMayViolet · 23/07/2015 07:03

It's a very good thing that you saw the text! Are you joking?! Why would it be better to have him carrying on like this behind your back? At least you know what he's like now. You're not thinking of trying to resolve it with him are you?

Original poster
Madredear · 23/07/2015 07:05

Lily, I was considering saying to him 'you either get conciling or I'm finished.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 23/07/2015 07:06

How can you ever be sure he was just playing out a fantasy? To my mind, contacting sex workers and finding out what they cost is the first step towards paying for sex, not a fantasy. He's testing it out. Can he do it? Does he want to? Will he get away with it? Is it worth it? All these questions are going through his mind at this stage and it's clearly exciting. He will tell you he never planned to go through with it but that's simply a lie.

Spartans · 23/07/2015 07:07

Counselling for what?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 23/07/2015 07:07

What do you think counselling will achieve?

IcecreamHavoc · 23/07/2015 07:08

Looking at someone's phone versus planning to cheat? Don't be silly. There's no comparison!

loolah83 · 23/07/2015 07:10

Sounds like you are contemplating staying with him/ignoring the issue as you are skint and can't afford to leave?

EponasWildDaughter · 23/07/2015 07:11

He has a thing for shmales and has no respect for his relationship with you OP. There's nothing that counselling can do for either of those things.

I'm interested to know, would you feel different if he'd contacted an ordinary female prostitute and asked her how much she charged?

Original poster
Madredear · 23/07/2015 07:11

I'm not trying to fight his corner, I'm really not, but what if he never really did plan to go through with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Madredear · 23/07/2015 07:12

Lol no I'm not planning to stay because I'm skint. I'm skint right now because my card has been stolen, so my bank is up in the air and I cannot withdraw cash etc

OP posts:
LilyMayViolet · 23/07/2015 07:13

Well for me that wouldn't matter. The betrayal is him texting this person and discussing his desire to sleep with them. If he's capable of that I'm almost certain he's done it before or is going to do it again. You undoubtedly deserve better!

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