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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like people telling their children to kiss people goodbye?

48 replies

TheHouseOnBellSt · 21/07/2015 09:22

Happy to be told I ABU if I am...it's my friend...she has a 2 year old DD and we see them about once a week on average....I've known this friend for about a year and a half...when they're leaving...or we're leaving (my DDs and I) my friend says "Give House and little House a kiss..." and she repeats it about four times if the toddler doesn't offer a kiss....

None of us are that comfortable kissing non family members and I don't think it's good practice to tell small children to kiss people...I think those things should come naturally.

I have said light heartedly a few times "It's ok...you don't need to kiss" and just ignored my friend because her child is never that keen and so I feel uncomfortable about it...what can I do? Just keep saying "No she doesn't need to."

Confused
OP posts:
DancingDays · 21/07/2015 09:28

I would respond with "actually I think it's great that she's reluctant. She's starting to realise how to treat friends differently from family." Say goodbye and leave. Your friend can't force you to receive a kiss.

My DCs are taught early on that their body is their body and they get to decide their own boundaries and no one can change their minds.

AddToBasket · 21/07/2015 09:28

YANBU. This is a pet dislike of mine too.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 21/07/2015 09:31

Horrible if the poor kid doesn't like it. Lovely if they do. We visited friends with a toddler this weekend and was absolutely delightful to be covered in 3 year old kisses. Mind you they're great friends of ours.

Jelliebabe1 · 21/07/2015 09:32

I think that its weird to even think its a problem! The child is 2 and you are obviously a family friend! Its not like she's forcing the poor mite to kiss scabby tramps on the street!

Luciferbox · 21/07/2015 09:33

YANBU. I don't force my DC to do it and it's awkward when others do it.

AnUtterIdiot · 21/07/2015 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheHouseOnBellSt · 21/07/2015 09:44

Jellie as other posters have said, it gives a confused view to a small child in terms of the autonomy they have on their own bodies.

They need to learn that they have control over what they do, who they touch and who they kiss.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHouseOnBellSt · 21/07/2015 09:45

Dancing I will say that! That's very good thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheHouseOnBellSt · 21/07/2015 09:46

Goodbye it's totally different if it's the child instigating it and you're friends...if my friend's child was instigating it, it would be totally different I'm sure.

OP posts:
babybabynamechange · 21/07/2015 09:50

Hmm, I wonder if I'm guilty of this? I often ask DS "do you want to give X a goodbye kiss?" Whatever he decides I don't pressure him, sometimes he does, sometimes no - more dependant on his mood than the person in question. I've never really thought about it tbh - should I stop? I only do it with closer friends who I myself kiss goodbye...

Original poster
TheHouseOnBellSt · 21/07/2015 09:53

Baby it's such an "accepted" social norm that I'm sure a lot of people don't think twice about it but kissing, like hugging is something children learn to do naturally when their instinct tells them to do it...a lovely, open hug or kiss which comes out of the blue is a gorgeous thing from a child...but there's no need to prompt it.

OP posts:
Cheesychop · 21/07/2015 09:56

I have a friend that does this but her child is always wet and snotty! Kiss your own snotty child but please don't ask me too! She always look offended when I try to aim for a kiss on the top of his head.

flanjabelle · 21/07/2015 09:57

I don't like it either. I get dd to say goodbye, maybe Wave. Her grandad always forces the issue of a kiss. He tells her to give him a kiss, then when she doesn't want to, picks her up and makes her kiss him. I hate it. It's her choice if she wants to, no one should be making her. Angry he also makes her give him a kiss before he will give her something she wants. that makes me really angry.

Original poster
TheHouseOnBellSt · 21/07/2015 09:57

Cheesy Grin that's another good reason to let them come naturally...or not!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 21/07/2015 09:58

I had a friend who did this. Her kid always seemed to be snotty and mine had a compromised immune system.
Confused

DancingDays · 21/07/2015 09:59

Baby I think that asking the question and then supporting his decision is fine. It's being told to and then when they say no having them forced to that I have issue with.

For me personally it's a big enough prompt to see me giving a kiss that DCs will then decide to offer a kiss or not. But they aren't used to me asking and are use to my friends offering the opportunity but not expecting it.

Original poster
TheHouseOnBellSt · 21/07/2015 09:59

Flan you need to seriously stop that immediately. Pick her up yourself when he asks...if she says no, then he'd have to wrestle her off you to get one....be FIRM and say "No. She doesn't want to" and arses to any rows or grumpiness which might come....your DDs autonomy is more important. As for the making her kiss him to get something you simply say "No...she's not allowed to kiss people for presents..." then tell DD "I will get you one myself...you don't have to kiss."

OP posts:
Ouchmybloodythumb · 21/07/2015 10:02

YANBU. Bleurgh.

littlejohnnydory · 21/07/2015 10:10

Flan, you have to put a stop to that right away.

MustBeLoopy390 · 21/07/2015 10:14

I tend to persuade my kids give hugs when we leave people, mainly because of they don't we will get half way home and there WILL be whining about not giving grandma/aunty/grandad/cousin a hug goodbye, as if we will turn around and go back. But if they don't want to give kisses etc that's up to them

DancingDays · 21/07/2015 10:15

Flan I would be having a serious chat and telling him in no uncertain terms that forcing a kiss won't be tolerated.

Not only pestering but picking her up, forcing a kiss and rewarding a kiss with something she wants is confusing her. What on earth is it teaching her for when she's older.

Notso · 21/07/2015 10:26

YANBU. I started a thread a while back because my two younger ones never want to give kisses to their younger cousins and friends DC. There is always some kind of awkward stand off where the parents of the kisser are expecting us to force them to.
I get them to say goodbye or wave but I won't make them kiss anyone. If they want to fine, if they don't also fine.

RachelWatts · 21/07/2015 10:51

I had to speak to my mum about this. If DS1 didn't want to give kisses, my mum used to put a hurt expression on her face and say "Don't you want to kiss Grandma? I'll be upset if I don't get my kiss. I'll cry! I will! Look, I'm crying!" - obvious to an adult that she's joking, but not to a Toddler.

Once I'd explained why I wouldn't force my children to give affection when they didn't want to, she accepted it.

I'm sure she feels hurt when DS1 won't kiss her - she's very tactile and DS1 isn't at all - but she doesn't make a fuss and try to make a big deal of it any more.

OTheHugeManatee · 21/07/2015 11:06

YANBU. My nephew and niece both hate being hugged and kissed, so I fist-bump them instead to say hello or goodbye

Ludways · 21/07/2015 11:08

YANBU I hate kissing other peoples kids, even family. Not uptight or scared of them, it's just slobbery and snotty.