Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To not like people telling their children to kiss people goodbye?

48 replies

TheHouseOnBellSt · 21/07/2015 09:22

Happy to be told I ABU if I am...it's my friend...she has a 2 year old DD and we see them about once a week on average....I've known this friend for about a year and a half...when they're leaving...or we're leaving (my DDs and I) my friend says "Give House and little House a kiss..." and she repeats it about four times if the toddler doesn't offer a kiss....

None of us are that comfortable kissing non family members and I don't think it's good practice to tell small children to kiss people...I think those things should come naturally.

I have said light heartedly a few times "It's ok...you don't need to kiss" and just ignored my friend because her child is never that keen and so I feel uncomfortable about it...what can I do? Just keep saying "No she doesn't need to."

OP posts:

iAmSiri · 21/07/2015 11:10

The nspcc recommend not making kids kiss adults goodbye. For child protection reasons our kids need to know that just because it's an adult they don't have to kiss them if they don't want to.

Theycallmemellowjello · 21/07/2015 11:10

I'm from a culture where people kiss all the time. It doesn't result in confusion between appropriate and non appropriate behaviour.

DressingGownFrown · 21/07/2015 11:15

Ew, I've never come across this, but I would hate for someone to force their child (and me) into giving a kiss goodbye. I'm sure the parents think it's cute but I don't want a snotty, sticky, toddler licking my face. In much the same way as I wouldn't let my dog lick someone's face, or worse, get him to 'give x kisses' (lick them), I really wouldn't want you to do that with your child, it would make me incredibly uncomfortable.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 21/07/2015 11:24

I think encouraging a polite welcome and goodbye is very important as it gives children structured social graces to fall into which can make them feel more confident in how to act in uncertain situations.

What is considered a polite welcome and goodbye is down to cultural influences and would change my opinion on what is acceptable.

E.g. I think raising French children (in France) to give bisous is acceptable because that is the standard French greeting and it would be considered rude not to do so - I also think the cultural implications around the kisses are very different in France as opposed to the UK particularly as all adults greet each other this way rather than it being an expectation placed on children alone.

In the UK I think encouraging a clear hello and goodbye is more than sufficient and I'd feel uncomfortable with people demanding kisses off children when they don't greet adults the same way. As PPs said, it's overruling personal boundaries because they can.

meglet · 21/07/2015 11:26

yanbu. I never make mine do it. A friendly goodbye is fine.

my family do it and one day I will hit the roof.

shrunkenhead · 21/07/2015 11:28

I think, like some adults, kids don't always want to hug and kiss people and shouldn't be forced to. It's not healthy.
I am happy to hug and kiss my close friends and family and hope my dd learns by example, when I greet/leave them we hug/kiss and I always ask her if she wants to but she knows she can say no, and when it comes to physical contact I think bring able to say no is very important.

Salmotrutta · 21/07/2015 11:31

Totally with you on this OP - told my kids when they were very small that they didn't have to kiss anyone if they didn't want to and if anyone tells their (reluctant) child to kiss me I just say "Don't make them because it's their choice".
It sends very confusing messages if on the one hand you force kids to kiss people but tell them they don't have to let anyone touch them as its their body etc. on the other!

FancyForgetting · 21/07/2015 11:39

Completely agree about not insisting on children kissing folk - if they don't want to, that's a good enough reason and adults just need to get over it.

On a lighter note - a group of us met up with our toddlers and when we were leaving one mum told her DS to 'give Aunty X a big fat kiss, go on - give her a smacker!'. He looked puzzled, but did as he was told - slapped Aunty X across the face

ByeByeButterfly · 21/07/2015 11:47

I think it's fine to request a kiss for Granny or Grandad but not a family friend.

Fluffy24 · 21/07/2015 12:06

YANBU.

Flan - aside from everything else already said about this it'll make her dread seeing him which is a shame if he's just being thoughtless.

I think it's a very unkind thing to do to a child and is well in excess of what is needed to be polite I.e. a hello and 'bye and using please and thank you. Who wants to make a child feel awkward and uncomfortable??

Koalafications · 21/07/2015 12:47

YANBU. Bodily autonomy is a really important concept for children to get

DoJo · 21/07/2015 12:55

I think it's fine to request a kiss for Granny or Grandad but not a family friend.

But how does a child know who they can refuse a kiss to unless they are able to refuse one to anyone they choose? Granny and Grandad don't have to kiss people they don't want to, so why should a child?

Original poster

TheHouseOnBellSt · 21/07/2015 13:00

DoJo I agree entirely.

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 21/07/2015 13:04

Absolutely DoJo. Children need to learn that they never ever have to give any physical contact to someone they don't want to - and it doesn't matter whether its Granny or Mummy or whoever.

My friend will say to her 3 year old 'do you want to give Auntie Lotta and Uncle Lotta'sMan a cuddle goodbye?' and she usually does, but none of us would ever force the issue if she didnt' want to.

Flan, that's really grim and I second the advice to pick her up yourself when he's saying goodbye, so you're acting as her protector if she doesn't want to.

Redglitter · 21/07/2015 13:11

My nieces have always, since they were toddlers, been told to 'say bye to Auntie glitter' that gives them the option of what they do. What you got depended on their mood

Even now they're older I still usually always get a hug and a kiss but I take my lead from them. It's always been their choice. I'd hate for them to feel pressurised, getting a hug and a kiss means more when it's what they want rather than what they've been told to do

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 21/07/2015 13:12

It is never right to force a child to kiss or hug anyone, not even a parent or a sibling.

I work with a lot of small children and also see many of them around town. Frequently they are told by their parent "Say hello to Middle, Fred." They are seeing me out of context and are often shy. I always tell the parent gently not to make them speak. If they choose to speak, or to hug me, that's their choice.

Making a child 'pay' for something with kisses is a very dangerous slope to be on

ConfusedInBath · 21/07/2015 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Micah · 21/07/2015 14:12

I used to hate being made to give kisses as a shy child.

Even more, I hated they type of person who'd insist, tap their cheek, and when I reluctantly reached up, turn their face for a mouth kiss.

Everyone seemed to think it was hilarious and just me being shy. I'd never, ever, force a child into unwanted physical contact.

NittyDora · 21/07/2015 15:01

I am very much against this too. It blurs the boundaries and helps to teach children they don't have bodily autonomy.
I read a horrifying post on here where the poster had been forced to kiss her abuser goodnight/goodbye front of her unknowing family. She described her abuser as getting off on it. Its really stuck with
me and made me determined that I will allow my DCs full choice
and support them in that choice if anyone gets shirty.

Esmum07 · 21/07/2015 15:16

We've always asked DS to say goodbye to people but never insisted on kisses goodbye. He tends to follow our cue. I give my sisters and brothers in law a kiss on the cheek, my nieces and nephews are not kissers (niece will give you a tentative hug and that's it - you'd have to chase the nephews even for that) so they get a pat on the back or high five. DS now tends to give the same - kiss to his aunties, high five to the rest including the BILs. DH's family have never been kissers or huggers so DS tends to just wave to them.

Again, like many, we've never insisted on kisses and hugs. My DM, who is 85, was exactly the same with us - we followed her cue on who to hug or kiss goodbye. She said she used to hate having to give a kiss to her Gran who had an old lady moustache so would never inflict it on us!

MemphisBella · 21/07/2015 15:22

Micah - your post reminded me so much of when I was little, my Nan used to do that patting her cheek then turning thing. Her lips were always wet and it used to make my skin crawl. I remember feeling powerless to stop it.

My DD will know bodily autonomy from an early age, sod 'manners' and family expectation!

Daisywellies · 21/07/2015 15:33

I'm quite happy to give anyone's toddler a kiss and a hug, but I would be embarrassed if their parent forced them to kiss me when they obviously didn't want to.

Lottapianos · 21/07/2015 15:43

'your post reminded me so much of when I was little, my Nan used to do that patting her cheek then turning thing. Her lips were always wet and it used to make my skin crawl'

Absolutely awful. I remember similar experiences when I was a child. I know its controversial on here, but I think mouth kissing with children is really unnecessary from any adult at all, even parents. Of course lots of parents do it with no sinister motives at all but I do find it strange. Other adults expecting a child to kiss them on the lips is highly inappropriate and pretty creepy

Flip

1 2