AIBU to put £20 in a card?

[Madredear]

Hello,
A cousin of mine has invited me and OH to their wedding in August, but we're really skint at the moment, and she specifically ASKED for cash on the invitation, so I can't buy a nice gift.

Is £20 unreasonable?

This may seem hard but it's the choice we have had to make once or twice before. Take your taxi money and dress money, slip it in a card and go visit them before or after the wedding and wish them well

This is really sad. I can't believe any bride and groom would prefer a guest to miss their day through fear of not being able to pay for their food. I wouldn't have cared if people spent money on their taxi and a new dress and gave us nothing.

I have heard this 'cover your plate business' on an Irish wedding forum before. I also heard lots of other things that would make me politely decline if I was invited to one, rather than be slated. I think oohnewshoes idea that the bride and groom should profit from putting on a wedding ridiculous and unpleasant. I thought they are supposed to be so full of joy that they want their loved ones to celebrate with them at their cost, gifts being a bonus.

I'm going all day to a wedding on my own (no kids wedding, DH staying behind to mind DC) and giving £20.

Wedding is 150 miles away, petrol will cost a fortune so I don't feel bad about only giving £20.

We are skint, in as much as every pound I earn is accounted for and the last few days before pay day (like now) tend to be very hard.
The last few weddings we have attended I have put £10 in the card, I think the love and best wishes sent with that tenner means as much as the contribution from someone in a better financial position that may be able to enclose £100. Surely the purpose of inviting your close friends and family to your wedding is to celebrate the happy occasion with you, not to collect back the coat of their plate through contribution.

Perhaps it is a regional thing. I'm irish.

I would never go out for a night with friends if I couldn't afford to pay for our food and wine. So why should a wedding be any different.

A newlymarried couple are starting the rest of their lives together. It should be with as little financial difficulties as possible.

Sorry be I feel it's a privilege to be asked to a wedding. If you can't afford to go then stay at home.

Half of my guests were Irish. They were very generous with money gifts. But they didn't cover the cost of their plate.

Because how could they know what the cost of their plate was? I've asked this lots but nobody has answered....

I am not well off. Like many others I live for pay day. It's basic manners to pay your way in this world.

Of course the happy couple what family and friends to share their day. Wedding don't usually be planned within a month or two. You know they are coming up.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone but I wouldn't go if I couldn't pay my way. That my opinion.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone but I wouldn't go if I couldn't pay my way. That my opinion.

I accept your point. But don't you think your friends love you and want you to be there with them? I'm not offended by your argument, I'm puzzled and saddened that any of my friends might think like this, might think me so shallow that I'd judge them for giving a small or no gift.

And also, how much do you consider to be "paying your way"? (I'll phrase it another way, see if that makes a difference).

You haven't offended me, oohnewshoes as I've always 'covered my plate' at weddings, as you put it. I find your attitude strange, though. Maybe because I'd never throw a party I couldn't afford.

What do you think about what can be the massive cost of weddings to the guests, though, just out of interest? Travel, hotel stays etc?

oohnewshoes do you never give without the thought of receiving? Is everything in life a transaction? You never give a party where you invite your friends or family to have a good time on you? Because they might actually think attending a party/wedding is a drudge, rather stay home and eat their choice of food, not have the travel/hotel costs. Maybe people put themselves out to attend these events for the sake of those who invited them.

But you are right that it is good to know the culture so you can make decisions accordingly.

And here's another who "covers their plate" without stating how they make this call.....

Was that to me, maidofstars? I've always given £100 as a wedding present. This year is the first year I won't be doing that as I can't afford to.

Do you think £100 covers 2 meals? I'd assume it would?

(I haven't been to any weddings since pre-kids when DH and I had loads of free cash. We don't any more )

Do you think £100 covers 2 meals? I'd assume it would?

I wouldn't assume anything. I've been to weddings where I know that wouldn't have covered one meal and weddings where it might have paid for the entire buffet.

I think it's such an arbitrary way to approach gifting, I guess. I gift based on personal relationships and closeness, not whether I'm getting a five course dinner or a plate of sausage rolls.

But it's not paying your way! It's not like going out for dinner in a restaurant where you're presented with a bill at the end of the night. It's the bride and groom's choice what venue they go for, and what's on the menu, so are people suggesting that you should give a larger gift for a fancier venue?
I would be really upset if people hadn't hadn't come to my wedding for want of a £20 note in a card. And, for that matter, would not be bothered if they were wearing a gorgeous new dress and would have no idea if they'd been buying cocktails all night. I'd rather people came along and enjoyed themselves.

This year is the first year I won't be doing that as I can't afford to

But you're still attending, yes? I hope so.

But it's not paying your way!

Agreed. The dinner/drinks/favours/music/etc, these are gifts to the guest!

Maidofstars, I obviously haven't been to any weddings as posh as the ones you've been to. Just bog standard hotel weddings for me, I'm afraid. So yep, £100 would cover it.

I don't know why you're seizing on my posts, really. Yes, I'm still going. It's a wedding in W Wales in a 3 star hotel, I'm having leek a potato soup, chicken and a fruit salad - does that help you at all??!! I've eaten there before and I'm almost certain that comes in under £20. Am I helping you yet? Would you like me to find the link for the hotel so you can double check?

You give what you afford, YANBU to give £20 OP. B&G will do what's best for them if you ever get married and invite them, best to do what's best for you now.

It's very rude to ask for cash.
I would never give cash if asked.

I'm more concerned that the petrol is going to cost me £60 ish just for me to attend, but going by train isn't an option.

Do you think £100 covers 2 meals? I'd assume it would?

Not at a couple of friends weddings, no way. And they weren't posh at all yet one was 100 er person and the other 130.

I'd don't subscribe to covering because you never actually do and never actually know but 100 is a generous gift. I usually go by how good the friend is, how much we have and how much it's cost us so far plus whether we've been invite all day or just evening. The least I once left was a bottle of bubbly and a £20 voucher (recently), the most was £200 to a sibling.

Hehe, thank you for all the helpful advice and some of your replies to the show offs made me chuckle ????

Oh well, £20 it is then. The venue is Peckham town hall so hardly touching shoulders with Her Majesty.

At least I'm not seeing what soaps I didn't use from last Christmas gifts.. Like I gave my Mother in Law.

This is the reason why I really hate demands for cash gifts. It makes things very awkward and difficult for those who can't afford to give much. With a present you can disguise the amount you have spent, or give something based on time, thought and effort rather than money.

You lot go to much posher weddings than me