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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL has invited herself to my home birth.

120 replies

loolah83 · 20/07/2015 06:30

I love my mother in law, she is really sweet, caring and has one of those beautiful, old hippy souls. Which is great....most of the time. DH affectionately jokes that she puts the 'mother' in 'smother', he's her only child and she's always been a bit Norma Bates about him.

Anyway, matter at hand...I'm due in 4 weeks and planning a relaxed home water birth (assuming no complications arise) and don't really think a crowd of (however well-meaning) observers being around is conducive with that. She has made little remarks like "Oh, I'll be downstairs making tea" etc...I thought she was joking until a few weeks ago when I mentioned that, as I'm having a birth pool, I'll be downstairs in the dining room labouring and she said "Oh, where will I be then?" and all I could say was "We'll work that out closer to the time."

I am torn between (a) us not telling her I'm in labour til the pushing stage/baby is born (b) growing a pair and telling her we just want it to be us and midwives (c) just letting her be there even though its not what we want.

My own sister thinks I am BU for not wanting MIL (or indeed her) there!

OP posts:
Original poster
loolah83 · 20/07/2015 10:03

Hehe thank you for all the advice and humour guys. You're a great bunch of lads ;)

I will tactfully and gently tell her this week that we would prefer it to just be me, DH and MW - that, as we've never had a baby before, we need to see what we are comfortable with on the day and that we will call her if we need her/as soon as baby arrives. That way she won't feel banished entirely.

Miaow I'm so sorry that happened to you! How horrible!!

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fancyanotherfez · 20/07/2015 10:09

I think an 'oh sorry it was quick and in all the fuss forgot to ring you- come over now and see your lovely grandchild' might be the order of the day. I'd rather have given birth on the street than had my DM or mil at the birth!!! This may just be the start of the interfering if you let her do this.

BiscuitMillionaire · 20/07/2015 10:09

I'm glad you're going to tell her. If you feel like wavering, remember that the more safe and relaxed you feel during labour, the better result you're likely to get. So it's not just that you'd rather she wasn't there. Having someone there who is disturbing your privacy, even if you like her, might inhibit your labour.

You could make a big deal about how much you'd love her to help out once the baby's born, if you don't want to hurt her feelings.

CrapBag · 20/07/2015 10:10

I wouldn't say you would prefer it. I think you need to tell her there has been a misunderstanding and that you are not having anyone there other than medical professionals and the father.

Then don't tell her you are in labour. She may well just pop around anyway thinking she can be in another room.

EponasWildDaughter · 20/07/2015 10:10

That's great loolah, and i hope she takes it well :)

However - i have to ask (i do it on most MIL threads) WHY isn't your DH doing the negotiating? It's his mum. I wouldn't expect my DH to deal with my mother and vice versa.

Flowers
ScorpioMermaid · 20/07/2015 10:10

My MIL turned up to hospital when we had our first. I was only 17. dh rang her to tell her I was in labour, she left work and rocked up within the hour to labour suite. she didnt even ask if I wanted her there and i was young and naive and didn't know how to tell her I wasn't comfortable with her there. It really took the shine off it for us. Each pregnancy since she's baby sat instead.

EponasWildDaughter · 20/07/2015 10:11

And yes: DO NOT tell her when you're in labor. You know she'll ''pop round''.

CalleighDoodle · 20/07/2015 10:13

My mother invited herself to my home birth. I said no. She told everyone she saw she was going to be there and make tea for the midwives. I said no. I went into labour at 10pm, gave birth at 5am and phoned my parents at 7.30am. My mum staymfted crying that she wasnt there and then did the phone afound which, according to my sibling went like this 'calleigh has had her baby this morning AND SHE DIDNT LET ME BE THERE!!!' Cry cry cry.

Some people make everything about themselves.

ollieplimsoles · 20/07/2015 10:13

My mil also worked at the hospital we will be going to to have our little one, it's my worse nightmare her popping in, I hope the home birth goes to plan, but she still wont know I'm in labour...

Op you sound like you have a good plan, once the baby is here she wont mind she wasn't there.

Some mils think they should be there to offer 'support' to their sons...

ScorpioMermaid · 20/07/2015 10:13

Sorry pressed send to soon..

you need to tell her or it will be forever there bugging you. You don't need the stress.

CalleighDoodle · 20/07/2015 10:15

Lots of typos in my post. Im having trouble focusing my eyes this morning. Hope it ia understandable.

Two of the errors: my mum STARTED crying, and phoned my 3 siblings.

CalleighDoodle · 20/07/2015 10:16

I would make it absolutely clear NOW thag she isnt going to be there.

As a further point, when i was in labour with my second child i asked my mum if she was coming to the bc with me. She didnt want to. Drama llama.

Original poster
loolah83 · 20/07/2015 10:17

DH is a bit flaky when dealing with his mum as she's always been able to work on him/guilt trip him...which makes her sound awful and manipulative, which she generally isn't. When he tries to take a firm line with her he tends to lose the run of himself and get defensive/sound a bit rude and she does sadface and gets upset...so it's better coming from me!

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morethanpotatoprints · 20/07/2015 10:18

I suggest you go with b. Brow a pair.
Why do people find it so difficult to speak their mind? It only makes things worse for the relationship concerned, usually dil/mil.
just tell her its midwives and your dh only, it isn't a circus.

ElsieMc · 20/07/2015 10:23

No, MIL's are not normally at a birth fgs. She has put her assumption to you, which was not corrected, and has quite skilfully manipulated you into a position where you will have to offend.

I have been a birth partner for my dd twice and quite honestly wouldn't really want to do so again. I was asked, I certainly did not think it was my right to be there. Ridiculous.

She is having her fourth in a few months and her DH will be there, but she has asked her sister as well so I do think she likes the reassurance of a female family member's presence. I am far from offended.

You will have to tell her that you want it to be you and DH at the birth and you look forward to her meeting her new grandchild afterwards when you have all had chance to bond and settle. You call the shots because only you know when you have gone into labour. I think if you bow to her wishes, it could cause issues between you.

EponasWildDaughter · 20/07/2015 10:37

''DH is a bit flaky when dealing with his mum as she's always been able to work on him/guilt trip him...which makes her sound awful and manipulative, which she generally isn't. When he tries to take a firm line with her he tends to lose the run of himself and get defensive/sound a bit rude and she does sadface and gets upset...so it's better coming from me!''

and this is usually the answer i get to my question! Grin

On a serious note (and not wanting to derail the thread) why are so many grown up sons not able cope with being assertive with their mothers? Wives and partners constantly being put in the OPs position is the reason why so many MILs are convinced their DILs are controlling and difficult.

Original poster
loolah83 · 20/07/2015 10:39

We've been having monthly growth scans since 20 weeks, I invited her to one 6 weeks ago as she'd never been to one. She loved it and it was nice...as a one off. We had another 2 weeks ago which we did not invite her to...DH collected me from work and we stopped off at our house to grab my maternity notes and she was sitting in the living room!! To clarify, DH's uncle was staying with us for the night, so she didn't simply let herself in...but she was clearly there because she knew we were going for a scan and, I suspect, hoping we'd just ask her to come along, seeing as she was already there. She didn't ask to come at any point.

I knew this straight away so firmly said "Oh, lovely to see you! We'll be back from the scan in about half an hour, we'll tell you all about it then!" and left.

OP posts:
julesldn · 20/07/2015 10:39

Poor you, I hate being put in those awkward positions where you feel like the bad guy!!

That said, I personally think I would end up being a wuss about this one. I would say that i've spoken to my midwife and she's recommended that I only have one other person at the birth initially but that we have a list of people to call ready in case we want them there. Tell her she's top of the list. Then obviously don't call her until you've given birth haha Wink

I know that's a bit pathetic but I suppose I'm pretty bossy in most aspects of my life so sometimes it's nice to blame an unaffected 3rd party! Good luck x

Original poster
loolah83 · 20/07/2015 10:41

EponasWildDaughter I completely agree....he's a total wimp when it comes to his mum!!

OP posts:
Original poster
loolah83 · 20/07/2015 10:43

But he's my wimp and I love him ;)

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LovesYoungDream · 20/07/2015 10:43

YANBU. When I was in labour the only people I wanted there were DH, the anaesthetist, MW and my Consultant (High risk/complications). I would tell mil/sister that you appreciate her support but you prefer her to wait until after the baby is born before she comes over. If you don't speak up about this, you will face several more dilemmas and upset during your dc's childhood. Most reasonable people would understand even if they are a bit disappointed. You and your dh's preference about your dc's birth take priority over your mil/sister. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and don't let anyone ruin it. Relax and prepare for a calm, positive and amazing experience. Smile

colourdilemma · 20/07/2015 10:43

We had no one inviting themselves to the birth but still, with dc1, we told no one (except the folks we were with in the curry house when I got my first contraction-they might have worried otherwise!) I was even in labour, told only my inlaws the second time because they needed to come to collect dd and the third time, we only told our neighbour who came to look after the two dc. Thinking that there were loads of people waiting at the end of a phone would not have helped me to relax. It really is your call and, however mil feels, it is no kind of rejection not to be invited to someone's labour!

colourdilemma · 20/07/2015 10:44

Second the "blame the midwife" approach-it might be kinder. But no reason why you shouldn't be direct.

coconutpie · 20/07/2015 10:49

Bloody heck, this is insane. What is wrong with some MILs? Why on earth would she think she is invited? Labour is not a spectator sport. Some MILs think that just because it is "my grandchild" that the wishes of the mother should just be cast aside.

Do not tell MIL that you would "prefer" it to be just you, DH and MW.

Tell her that it will only be you, DH and MW and she will not be welcome at your home during the birthing process. You will call her after baby is born and let her know when she can visit then.

In fact, scratch that - get your DH to man up for once in his life. Now is a good time to start putting the mother of his child first rather than his own mother,

coconutpie · 20/07/2015 10:51

Also, missed the part about your sister - who does she think she is also?! You need to put her straight also.