MIL has invited herself to my home birth.

[loolah83]

I love my mother in law, she is really sweet, caring and has one of those beautiful, old hippy souls. Which is great....most of the time. DH affectionately jokes that she puts the 'mother' in 'smother', he's her only child and she's always been a bit Norma Bates about him.

Anyway, matter at hand...I'm due in 4 weeks and planning a relaxed home water birth (assuming no complications arise) and don't really think a crowd of (however well-meaning) observers being around is conducive with that. She has made little remarks like "Oh, I'll be downstairs making tea" etc...I thought she was joking until a few weeks ago when I mentioned that, as I'm having a birth pool, I'll be downstairs in the dining room labouring and she said "Oh, where will I be then?" and all I could say was "We'll work that out closer to the time."

I am torn between (a) us not telling her I'm in labour til the pushing stage/baby is born (b) growing a pair and telling her we just want it to be us and midwives (c) just letting her be there even though its not what we want.

My own sister thinks I am BU for not wanting MIL (or indeed her) there!

[Esmeismyhero]

I'm going to go against the grain here. I rarely comment on mil threads but why would her being there be bad?

You sound like you really like her, she's been saying she'll make tea etc, her being there could even strengthen the bond you two already have :)

[chickenfuckingpox]

she is an old hippy soul she clearly has no idea of your boundaries personally if she were my mil i would be telling her this is my ironing board this is my ironing pile this is what you will be doing because every single time i go into labour i have a full basket

find her something useful to do even if its in her own home

or she can run a live labour thread on mumsnet for you?

[Ruledbycatsandkids6]

Esme clearly the op doesn't want her in the house or she wouldn't have posted.

Miaow see this pisses me right off. Why the fuck didn't the midwives check with you first? Why should the onus be on the labouring woman to crowd control? Disgraceful.

[noeffingidea]

Esme that would only really work if the OP was planning on being upstairs in her bedroom while the MIL was downstairs.
The OP is planning on giving birth downstairs, therefore the MIL would actually be in the same room, from the sounds of it. That is a different matter.

[ollieplimsoles]

miaow that is disgraceful, this is why we are not telling anyone I'm in labour, some people either don't understand boundaries, or they do- but have no respect for them.

I just think the whole family knowing your in labour (it would be the whole family because mil would tell everyone) it just puts pressure on you, it would me!

[CruCru]

You're not being unreasonable. However, I do wonder what her expectations are. Labour can go on for days. I had 19 hours of active labour after my waters broke. There's no way my mother would have had the stamina for being there for so long (sorry OP, I know you haven't invited labour stories).

However, if yours is long or stop-start, will she keep coming in and out? If she sits around looking at her watch or starts asking how much longer you think it'll be, it could inhibit labour.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Talk to her, or ensure DH does, don't be a coward. It will only set you up with a pattern of further confusion and poor communication for the future.

If she's really kind-hearted she'll understand this is what you want and, as pp said, once she meets the new baby she'll forget everything else.

[Totality22]

My MIL 'popped in' when I was in labour (she works at hospital I had my children in) despite us specifically asking her not to. We were in our room in the birthing centre and she tracked me down!! She did literally just pop in for about a minute and then took OH for a coffee it was a very long labour so in the grand scheme no harm done. She didn't get told I was in labour second time though.

You simply must tell MIL in no uncertain terms. This is about you OP and quite frankly who gives a shit if you MIL is offended..... If she is as nice a person as you say she'll understand.

Have to wish you luck though as if she wants to be this involved in your labour I imagine she is expecting lots of involvement with the baby. Practice setting boundaries now OP!

[LadyLuck81]

I agree with those saying be up front and clear. You can be polite doing it but I would leave no room for ambiguity.

[woodhill]

most odd yanbu. I wouldn't want my own dm there either, private especially your 1st labour

[GloGirl]

You really need to grow a pair.

You're about to have a baby. Do you want to be too shy to tell this woman what you or your baby need in the future?

Just tell her you can really imagine the help and support she will bring to a home birth but you are feeling vulnerable about it and would feel much more at home just having your DH there for support and a professional midwife.

[DontDrinkAndFacebook]

Just tell your partner to tell her you both want no one there but the midwife. It's not an unusual or outlandish request, there's really no need to turn it into a big thing to stress over, or drag it out and worry about how to handle it - just get on with it and tell her!

[fhdl34]

Tell her she can't be there and if she goes sad face say the midwife has said only one birth partner as you need one extra midwife than if you were in hospital (don't let her see you clutching for the straws)

[woodhill]

or ask your dh to sort it out, it's his mum. perhaps she could prepare a meal for later and bring it round afterwards etc

[RhinestoneCowgirl]

I've had 2 homebirths. You are in no way unreasonable in not wanting MIL there. The only people who should be there are the ones you have invited i.e. DH and the mws.

I asked my own mum to be with us and she was delighted to be asked but there is no way she would have just invited herself!

[LizzyUseless]

YANBU and yes, you must just tell her. As kindly as possible, obviously.

My mother came to look after DS1 when I was about to give birth to DD1. At the 11th hour the midwife gave me the option of a home birth - it was a very long drive to the hospital - and my sole reason for refusing was that my mother was in the house.

A couple of days before, I'd been having regular contractions and thought things might be kicking off. Ma wanted a checklist of how things would proceed with exact timings and everything.

[woodhill]

or say to her, was your own MIL there at your dc's births then?

[RachelRagged]

Oh Dear Gods. . . OP YANBU

I loved my ex Mum in Law, lovely lady but I would have drawn the line at her being at any DCs births . .. To be honest I would feel the same with my own DM . None ever expressed a desire to be with me anyway and that was fine , I had my DH by my side.

[Totality22]

Some people are happy for an audience. My sister had our mum, her partner and his mum there with all her births. For me it was an intensely private time and I only wanted DP. I ended up with a room full of people first time (medical staff not randoms) but with second child it was me, DP and one MW - it was amazingly peaceful and calm. Perfect.

[McNally]

I wouldn't worry about her taking offence. Even if she does, it will quickly fade if she wants to see the new baby.

[Sometimesjustonesecond]

I was induced with dd and had my mum and mil 'keeping me company' all day while I was in early labour. They meant well but I was fit to kill them by the end would have been fine just with dh. My mum has been present at all my births and when I look at my own dd I cannot imagine not being with her to help her, having taken care of her all of her life, so I get why my mum needed to be there.
That said, I will wait to be asked.
A mil is different though - she hasn't raised you and it's not her son actually giving birth.

If Im brutally honest, I think having people there other than dh pushed him out a bit - my mum was doing all the stuff he should have been doing and I feel a bit regretful about that.

[RedToothBrush]

Say you are charging £500 a ticket for the event.

[DisappointedOne]

I wasn't even sure I wanted DH there when I was in labour.