MIL has invited herself to my home birth.

[loolah83]

I love my mother in law, she is really sweet, caring and has one of those beautiful, old hippy souls. Which is great....most of the time. DH affectionately jokes that she puts the 'mother' in 'smother', he's her only child and she's always been a bit Norma Bates about him.

Anyway, matter at hand...I'm due in 4 weeks and planning a relaxed home water birth (assuming no complications arise) and don't really think a crowd of (however well-meaning) observers being around is conducive with that. She has made little remarks like "Oh, I'll be downstairs making tea" etc...I thought she was joking until a few weeks ago when I mentioned that, as I'm having a birth pool, I'll be downstairs in the dining room labouring and she said "Oh, where will I be then?" and all I could say was "We'll work that out closer to the time."

I am torn between (a) us not telling her I'm in labour til the pushing stage/baby is born (b) growing a pair and telling her we just want it to be us and midwives (c) just letting her be there even though its not what we want.

My own sister thinks I am BU for not wanting MIL (or indeed her) there!

[coconutpie]

LOL, why did I write 3 of the word "also" in that sentence?! ha ha, tired today, sorry!

[OnlyLovers]

I know you love your DH, but he needs to stand up for you and to his mum and tell her 'no spectators at the birth.'

[blink1552]

As a old hippy soul would she understand if you explained it in terms of having been advised that hunkering down in a very private place is really good for the 'letting go' of birth and you want the whole house to be that very private place to birth your baby? You know she is family and you're really sorry but it's what you feel you need to do to get your head in the right place for the birth. You know she wouldn't mind overhearing you mooing or whatever, but you would mind and might feel inhibited, which is not good for the birth.

[EponasWildDaughter]

I'm spouting on about DHs and their inability to deal with their mums based solely on what i've read in my 7 years on MN.

Personally I have no idea how my DH would react to his DM being really difficult as so far it hasn't happened. He was great at gate keeping when DD was born last year, but then his DM wasn't pushy.

I do think, and i say this gently, that now is a good time for your DH to get used to dealing with his mum OP. Putting his foot down. You should be coming first. In practice as well as in spirit.

[DayLillie]

I think the DH has a lot to lose if his mother comes along - the birth is his moment to shed the trappings of being someone's child to become someone's father. It is a new stage of life and a sort of adult growing up experience. He needs to think out his boundaries.

[BerylStreep]

I would also advise being careful about when you invite people to visit. I simply wasn't in a fit state to have any visitors until the next day (and still wasn't really). You might want to manage her expectations in case she thinks she will be rushing round when the baby is minutes / hours old.

With my first, we had people visiting the hospital & house during the first week, really outstaying their welcome, whilst I was in pain and shattered. I didn't make the same mistake the second time.

[BinToHellAndBack]

I think what blink said sounds perfect.

Perhaps you could also make a plan with her about her first visit so she has an expectation to replace her birth expectation - "you'd be welcome to come round for an hour once I've slept off the birth so that you can see the baby while it's brand new".

[TheRealAmyLee]

I would explain to her together (you and your DH) that you've been planning the birth properly and although you really appreciate her offer of tea making you wish to be alone as a family unit during the birth itself but her offer will be taken up once the baby is here.

Then don't inform her of labour until the baby is here and you are ready for her.

I didn't even want to be at my own kids births I can't imagine wanting to be at anyone elses!

[TheRealAmyLee]

Blinks suggestion is perfect!

[Ketchuphidestheburntbits]

Tell your MIl that you don't want her there. If she takes offence it means that she won't ask again and will leave you and DH alone during the labour and birth - job done!

You are not doing anything wrong by wanting privacy, whereas she is completely out of order for assuming she is welcome at the birth. The only mistake you have made is not telling her immediately it was mentioned. This tells me that you are a very kind person unlike me who would have told her that she was being an interfering old bag

[MiddleAgedandConfused]

I think this is one of those situations where the more reasons you give for her not to be there, the more ammunition she has to argue back as to why she should be there.
I would just say that you have decided it will be you and DH only and not give an explanation.
Just a clear 'thanks for the offer, we appreciate it, but it will just be us 2'.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I must have done something right with DS1 because he has no trouble at all managing me unfortunately. It was just DS1 and DIL (plus unspecified number of medical staff) at GC1's birth but DS called me as soon as he (DS that is) got home afterwards, to boast unmercifully, as you do. DIL's mum visited the next day and I came the day after. Was perfectly happy with that. Maternal grandmothers should get first look in IMO because it's not only their grandchild, it's their baby giving birth. Besides, photo evidence suggests GC hadn't changed very much in two days.

[DisappointedOne]

Agree with Berylstreep too. Planned home birth became traumatic hospital assisted birth. My mum was home from overseas and even she didn't expect to come for more than an hour each day - and she limited everyone else to that for me too. I shall be forever grateful for that.

DH wanted us to have 8+ members of his family down to stay the day we got home!

[TeacherMummyWhichever]

My MIL refused to come see our first born for a week after the birth because I did not want her in the room with me. When I was in labour she was still arguing with my oh saying she was going to drive down anyway... So nip it in the bud now, once the babies here I'm sure she will forget all about it. If like us however she is still arguing past that lets hope she's not as bitter as mine ;-)

All the best for the birth... This is YOU and your OH moment of crazy, fantastic specialness! Don'tet anyone else take the lead xxx

[crystalfire]

Your husband needs to tell her that she will NOT be at your birth. Its a huge medical procedure and you need to feel comfortable. Its not about her wants, expectations or needs, its about your comfort and the safety of your unborn baby.

You are NOT being unreasonable. When someone else is pushing a small human out of their vag then they'll get to decide who will or won't be in the room.

Tell her.

[margaretlucy]

It sounds like this is a conversation DH needs to have with his mum. She's his mum - he gets to have the awkward conversations with her!

[TaurielTest]

I came back to the thread to make the suggestion that blink1552 has already made - that the best way to kindly deflect her well-intentioned enthusiasm might be to focus on the optimal birth experience, oxytocin flowing freely, your need to be in the zone etc etc.
No harm in your DH saying he'll call her immediately if HE needs her support.

[Tequilashotfor1]

I had murders with my MIL about being present.

I remember her leaving our home one night and saying 'tequila remember to call me when you go in labour- I was there at all the other births' put her coat on a left.

Even when I said I'd like it to be just me and DP (months later when I got the courage) she 'no' and kicked up a huge fuss. Started saying she would sit out side the door, sit in her car in the hospital car park ect....

DP finally had to grow a back bone and say no.

Good luck!!

[Tequilashotfor1]

teacher mine flew out of the country on the day of dd birth because we said no. Came back two weeks later.

[TeacherMummyWhichever]

Oh god Tequila! I know my aim at being a mother in law in the future is to be the exact opposite of our MILs. I think they cut there noses off to spite there faces or however the saying goes. I'll never forget it and I bet you won't either! Selfish!

Sadly my mum passed away when I was young but even if she was about I still would have had it just be me and my partner present.

For some odd reason I only want my partner and medical professionals to see my noonie! ;-)

[SocialFlutterBy]

I love my MIL, she not so much an old hippie type more a knuckle-dragger but I love her all the same

BUT

There is no way under any circumstances will she be eyeballing my vagina

Good luck OP x

[Pinkcloud6]

You don't invite yourself to someone birth! I had a majorly traumatic birth and wouldn't have wanted anyone there.

Tell her sorry but no. Or just don't tell her your going into labour?

[birdsong0]

yanbu at all, just explain to her that you've had a re-think and don't want lots of people around at such a personal time and she'll get to have cuddles with her grandbaby v soon

[CalmYourselfTubbs]

yeah - you probably need to man up and stand up to her.
remember this is only the beginning of the true interference - it will get much, much worse once the baby is here, if you blithely stand back and let it.

[UnsolvedMystery]

This is what I would say:
I've talked it through with DH and my midwives, it's really kind of you to offer to be there when I go into labour, but we would prefer it was just the 4 of us. I hope you understand.