MIL has invited herself to my home birth.

[loolah83]

I love my mother in law, she is really sweet, caring and has one of those beautiful, old hippy souls. Which is great....most of the time. DH affectionately jokes that she puts the 'mother' in 'smother', he's her only child and she's always been a bit Norma Bates about him.

Anyway, matter at hand...I'm due in 4 weeks and planning a relaxed home water birth (assuming no complications arise) and don't really think a crowd of (however well-meaning) observers being around is conducive with that. She has made little remarks like "Oh, I'll be downstairs making tea" etc...I thought she was joking until a few weeks ago when I mentioned that, as I'm having a birth pool, I'll be downstairs in the dining room labouring and she said "Oh, where will I be then?" and all I could say was "We'll work that out closer to the time."

I am torn between (a) us not telling her I'm in labour til the pushing stage/baby is born (b) growing a pair and telling her we just want it to be us and midwives (c) just letting her be there even though its not what we want.

My own sister thinks I am BU for not wanting MIL (or indeed her) there!

[fionathepink]

My mil and sil were in our tiny flat when I went into labour as they'd been babysitting the night before. I firmly told my oh that everyone had to leave immediately. They tend to take forever over goodbyes anyway.

My mil understood why she couldn't stay for my home birth but wished she could. I also asked no one visit immediately after birth as I knew we would need this time as a family.

People were not hurt but made clear they were eager to be there but were more than happy to respect our wishes.

Mums have all been in our place before and a firm reminder of how they'd have wanted their wishes respected will go a long way.

If she still doesn't understand, mention that she wasn't there when the baby went in so shouldn't be there on its way out as you need certain conditions to release oxytocin.

[CallieG]

It is your pregnancy, your baby, your birth You get to have as many or as few people there as You want, an entire football team or just your husband, you do not have to apologise for not wanting your MIL in the house while you are giving birth. Tell her the truth, let her know that you love her and are looking forward to the joy of having her as granny to the new baby, let her know that you want only your husband present AND that it is not personal , your decision includes ALL family members on both sides, let her know that she will be the first one that you call when the baby is born so she can visit ASAP. Your birth experience is very personal , No One has the right to make you feel guilty for not wanting other people around for your birth. Be honest, Yes some people may be miffed with you but nothing will make up for the discomfort and stress you will experience having unwanted observers about while you are giving birth.

[FeelTheNoise]

DPs mum said she wants to be present at the birth. I asked if she was joking, she repeated she wants to be there. I swore in absolute horror and very bluntly said no I didn't mean to be so direct but I'm glad I was. I've since asked my mum to join us as she was fab when I had DS1, and she's ready to play bouncer at the delivery room door

[MrsHathaway]

I'm thinking of lending MIL my hypnobirthing book...she loves the idea of hypnobirthing, as it's how she had DH, but there wasn't a name for it in the 70s! There's a whole chapter on keeping the audience to a bare minimum, perhaps I could highlight it as a discussion point and then tell her (politely) to stay away when I'm giving birth!

Yes, this is the way forward, I think. You'll have to designate the entire house/flat as a safe space so she doesn't try to hide with the mw(s) though. And next time ( ) she'll be busy looking after DC1 somewhere else anyway.

[saintlyjimjams]

Give her some Odent to read . He talks about the importance of beimg left alone in labour. As a hippy she'll love it. If you have a huge house & can still have privacy & can trust her to stay well out the way I'd consider having her there to make food/drinks etc. But not if you will
'Feel' her presence. Anyway your choice & she shouldn't need to be told that (unfortunately some
do). She msy be trying to support you in your mother's absence (just trying to see the good side)

[mw63]

My MIL lives over 200 miles away. She had waited for years for a grandchild and invited herself to visit for the week my son was born. She arrived at the hospital a few hours before I was discharged. As much as she is lovely it did take from the experience of being new parents and could not help herself doing the interfering thing. On reflection I really wish I had grown some and said no (OH couldn't) and had that time with just the three of us. It's a special time that I never got to repeat. She will have her time with her grandchild soon enough, the birth is your time and should be what you want with no additional pressures. Good luck and enjoy your your precious gift x Ps get your husband to be the man and tell her, (he will always be her son) she needs to know she can't automatically expect to be part of everything you do xxx

[loolah83]

My mum lives in a different country, and is waiting patiently to be able to book her flight and visit once he's been born...she and MIL are not close/in contact so unfortunately, my very conventional and rational mother can't provide a voice of reason in this case!

I'm thinking of lending MIL my hypnobirthing book...she loves the idea of hypnobirthing, as it's how she had DH, but there wasn't a name for it in the 70s! There's a whole chapter on keeping the audience to a bare minimum, perhaps I could highlight it as a discussion point and then tell her (politely) to stay away when I'm giving birth!

Thanks so much everyone!

[Byrdie]

I could be you OP! (A few years ago now for me though). At the time i would have been horrified but the same as you - not really comfortable telling her that she wasn't invited. My MIL means well and would also get upset. However, with the benefit of hindsight, i'm not sure it's that bad an idea having someone "backstage" to help. To be fair, if all goes to plan, it will take a while and someone needs to make some food and tea. However these things tend to happen in the evening and nightime so you probably won't have an issue unless calling her up at 3am is ok!

[hannahjm81]

Gosh! I am shocked at how inconsiderate this is - it sounds like your first birth? I think it is your husband job to tell her. Have no fear and no plough ahead it is a very special time for you and your partner and you will need to be relaxed and at ease. Good luck xxx

[MrsHathaway]

I had a home birth.

The evidence shows that labour slows in company. My midwives (you have two for delivery) hid in the next room, just popping in every now and again to take obs. I was in the zone labouring and very poor company

What's the situation with your mother? Are you happy for them to be very early visitors? I could have coped within about half an hour (even though he had to have some help breathing).

In my case DC were our first visitors when PIL brought them home so PIL were a very close second, followed by my parents (who live several hours away) an hour or two later.

I am currently sitting where DC3 was born. It will always be my favourite spot.

[buddhasbelly]

I can only speak of my experience (which involved an abusive exp and a manipulative mil) but my exp's mother wanted to be at the birth of her granddaughter. I begged exp not to phone her when we were in the hospital (she upped and travelled 4hrs at the drop of a hat to be there).

At one point the midwife said "you don't want her in here do you? I said no but I was too at the whole process that was going on and I don't like confrontation so she was there.

It wasn't how I wanted my birth to be and was a huge contributing factor to my pnd. I'm not suggesting this is what your mil but I think it is so important that you control your birthing environment to how you want it, not to anyone else's specifications. Good luck OP

[JJJJH]

You could always wimp out and say the midwife has insisted that those present must be kept to an absolute minimum and has strongly advised they'd be happier with only you and your birth partner to worry about ????

[woodhill]

I'm quite prudish and wouldn't want to see my own dcs giving birth, bit embarrassing. my dm came straight after which was fine.

[TheOracleofSelphie]

Oh dear OP. Could you say something like "buying organic cotton babygros" (in response to the "Oh, where will I be?" question.

If you would like some light relief from this, Grace and Frankie on Netflix has a similar situation you might find funny in a cathartic way.

Could your mum have a word with her? e.g. "I'm not going to be present at the birth because I think that OP wants it to be private which I respect". And then when MIL asks you about that (and she will) you just confirm what your mum has said. Your mum will be closer to her peer group and stands in a similar (of not even closer) position to you as MIL does.

There's a similar thing in Grace and Frankie by the way- it's about kale juice vs ovaltine for expectant mums, but still.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Oh Jesus, not another one of these. Why is it that so many people think that childbirth is a time for everyone to decide who should be a spectator except for the labouring woman herself? Not even the father has an automatic right to be there, on account of the fact he's not the one pushing a person out of his vagina/having it surgically removed from his uterus. The only people with a right to be there are those the mother says can be there, end of.

There's no need to be rude (though I'd be sorely tempted, as I think anyone who invites themselves to my labour has passed the limit in presumptuousness) but you definitely need to be firm. Why are women so pressured not to exercise bodily autonomy and their right to patient confidentiality when they're bloody GIVING BIRTH? Nobody suggested they had a right to be present when my husband had an anal abscess treated!

[Kidsrulethishouse]

I didn't tell my parents when my labour with my 2nd daughter started, I very quietly called my brother and asked him to come and look after my eldest for me without telling our parents where he was going. I didn't tell them until after my daughter was born (which happened to be about 45 minutes later! ????) I just text my mum a picture of her which she instantly put on Facebook announcing my child's birth for me ???????? everybody congratulated HER instead of ME!!! I was furious!! ????????

[littlejohnnydory]

YANBU and you do need to tell her. My mother turned up at the hospital when I had dc1 and didn't take my subtle hints like "there's nothing you can do here, you might as well go home and sleep" - not wanting to hurt her feelings, I didn't tell her to leave. She's treated me so shabbily since that I wish I'd said, "I want you to go home". But nobody should put you in that position, casting a cloud over the birth by putting you in a position where you have to choose between upsetting them or negating your own wishes. They caused this by inviting themselves.

[sykadelic]

I expect that my MIL will not want to be there for the birth itself (I am not her daughter and the distinction is obvious), but will expect to be one of the first people to visit and hold "her grandbaby" and to know all the ins and outs so she can tell all and sundry.

My husband has a spine made of steel and because of that is often unbending. My DH is not a fan of his mother (to put it mildly) and would be unnecessarily harsh which is why I tend to run interference.

I hope she takes it well OP :) Better to tell her sooner rather than later though as she's probably already very excited to be there.

[tidalwaveover]

"I will tactfully and gently tell her this week that we would prefer it to just be me, DH and MW - that, as we've never had a baby before, we need to see what we are comfortable with on the day and that we will call her if we need her/as soon as baby arrives."

No, no, no, no, no. You are just settng her up to invite her to the next one. Instill some boundaries. Now. You do NOT assume that you will be present while your DIL is giving birth, whether it's her 1st or her 51st birthday.

I'd just tell her straight.

I had a similar thing with my own Mum who, it turns out, without being asked had assumed she'd be staying for a week after the birth of my DC1. I don't have a close relationship with my mother at all, which made it even easier.

It only came up when I was speaking to her while I was still pregnant about coming home from hospital and she started muttering "well, I'll be there" almost under her breath. She just assumed. She's a weirdo (sorry, I have serious issues with my parents) and she needed to be told.

Not calling your MIL a weirdo, btw, but don't let her take the piss like this - however hippyish and lovely she appears.

[Heatherjayne1972]

Or do what my friend did and invite everyone. Aunts uncles cousins both sets of ( grand) parents even the lodger !! On the other hand it's your body your baby your choice And I think it's perfectly reasonable to have just yourself and your partner there if that's what you want.

[UnsolvedMystery]

This is what I would say:
I've talked it through with DH and my midwives, it's really kind of you to offer to be there when I go into labour, but we would prefer it was just the 4 of us. I hope you understand.

[CalmYourselfTubbs]

yeah - you probably need to man up and stand up to her.
remember this is only the beginning of the true interference - it will get much, much worse once the baby is here, if you blithely stand back and let it.

[birdsong0]

yanbu at all, just explain to her that you've had a re-think and don't want lots of people around at such a personal time and she'll get to have cuddles with her grandbaby v soon

[Pinkcloud6]

You don't invite yourself to someone birth! I had a majorly traumatic birth and wouldn't have wanted anyone there.

Tell her sorry but no. Or just don't tell her your going into labour?

[SocialFlutterBy]

I love my MIL, she not so much an old hippie type more a knuckle-dragger but I love her all the same

BUT

There is no way under any circumstances will she be eyeballing my vagina

Good luck OP x