Telephone Manners

[MissClaudette]

My ExP drives me utterly bonkers with this, and others have started doing this now, and I can't figure out if it's me or if it's their issue!

-phone ringing-
ExP: Hello?
Me: Hiya! You alright?
ExP: Yes....
Me: ...
ExP: ...
Me: Hows things?
ExP: ... Good ... What d'you want?
Me: ???

I don't understand the attitude! It happens about three times a week, but I tend to call him every day because I'm the NRP. He knows I'm calling, he's a very good friend with whom I'm on excellent terms, yet out of five calls I'll give him in a week he'll respond like I'm the worlds biggest inconvenience, and the other two times he'll be normal again...!

Does anyone else have this or do this? It bothers me that someone is so rude over the phone, and I know I'm BU with it bugging me to such a level, but it's such a pet hate!

But what are you ringing for? I'd be miffed if someone rang me for no apparent reason and would probably respond like he did in your example above.

If you are calling your ex-P daily (have I got this right?) then you do need a reason for it, I would have said.

It sounds like you are ringing him and then waiting for him to chat to you?

Or perhaps I've got it the wrong way round.

you could change your first part of the conversation. Instead of saying are you alright, him saying yes and then you staying silent (what are you waiting for btw?) you could say hi, how are you? How are the kids? Are they there - or instead of being silent and waiting for him to say whatever it is you think he should be saying, just go straight into why you're calling and what you want.

If you don't have a set time to call, perhaps have one, so that he knows you call between, say 6 and 7 pm or something?

Mintyy and CtrlAltDelicious - I call because we have an agreement that I'll speak to him, he'll tell me anything that's going on that's relevant, we'll probably talk about work that day and then I'll talk to my DS. But I told him that I'd ring every day to have a little chat and to speak to DS, and he was okay with it before.

Fenella: I've tried that. How are you? "Fine". How's DS? "Okay".

What I don't get is that Sometimes he'll be fine, and other times I'll get grunts and one-word answers!

I think the days of ringing people for
a chat have gone the way of black and white TV tbh.

I find it highly irritating when people ring me without having anything to say.

Maybe have a few specific questions ready to ask about your DC?

do you have a set time to call? could it be sometimes he was in the middle of something? Do you say things like you seem distracted, is this a bad time?

is there enough structure to the calls do you think? is your son old enough to be the one to answer the phone so you don't need to talk daily to your ex?

I generally call in the evening, when he's not busy at all because he's got a fixed-hours job that's part time. Like I said, he's a great friend which is why when he gets like that I'm so confused.

I've asked him whats wrong, and even tried to make a joke out of it, but he just has a screaming go at me...

I mean, I get that sometimes he might not have the time for me or for a chat, but if that's true then why not say "Hey, sorry, bad time - can we leave it for the day and talk tomorrow"?

And it isn't that I'm waiting to chat to him, it's just that I'll ask him a question like "Hows things" and then I'll only get a one-word answer. It doesn't kill people to go "I'm alright thanks, hows things with you?" and then once I've gone "Aye, I'm good!" we can just get on with the rest of the call...

Nope, no new partner. And he was a friend before we got together, he's a friend now, and it just... it wouldn't hurt to observe a little telephone etiquette...

I understand it must be difficult to 've the non resident parent but do you actually need to call every day? It's wearing talking to the same person every single day regardless of if you are friends or not. How old are you children (child?). It sounds as though your ex doesn't actually want to talk to you so why not bypass that and just talk straight to the children?

My daughter is 4 and I ring him on behalf of DD and pass the phone straight over. If there us anything that actually needs discussing then I will call or text about that by otherwise contact is minimal. I have also taught DD how to end a call as well.

Daily phone calls?? Eek.

How much can happen in a 24 hour time period (seeing as part of that is when you're asleep) that requires another phone call for another chat with him?

I would be pretty weirded out if an Ex rang me every day for a chat even if we were on really good terms.

Phone every day to speak to your child - brilliant, but stop wanting friendly chats with the Ex too. He's probably really fed up of it.

Is there another partner on the scene and so these friendly daily chats are no longer appropriate or wanted?

I'd say don't bother with trying to chat. Just say "Hi, is DS there?" and leave it at that.

perhaps he is trying to tell you something.

Maybe he doesn't want to be your pal. Maybe he wants to be your ex and the father of your child and just have you call to talk to your son and exchange information on child related matters.

Do you think perhaps you could consider changing the way you do things? Not wanting daily natters with him? Having your son answer the phone and just talk to him? Because really all you need is to talk to your child.

Perhaps your ex wants something a little more distant, for whatever reason. Maybe he is trying to show you that?

This is like my situation with my mother (sort of)

She comes to my house every day Monday to Friday for "a quick cuppa" on the Monday we have a good chat but by Wednesday frankly ive ran out of things to talk about, nothing has happened other than ive worked and slept, so there's just awkward silences.

I do not have the heart to say "you come here far too often and we don't need to talk every single day unless we actually have something to say" there is just no polite way to say it.

And, because ive never said anything she keeps coming thinking its all ok.

YABU. You broke up and need to respect his space and move on.

If your dc is who you call to talk to then ask to speak to them and have it at an arranged time every day as much as possible so it is routine. If your dc is too little for that and you just want to check in then try switching to text instead.

Expecting pally chats with your ex every day is unrealistic no matter how amicable, co-parenting takes a bit of working out - have you tried asking him what level of communication would suit? How do you communicate with him on the days you have dc? I can guarantee that being arsey about manners is not going to improve the situation, I hope you can try and see it from another point of view.

It's just irritating having someone call you with nothing in particular to say, that's all.

I know you're the nrp and want to talk to your d's but as the rp and someone that used to get these daily calls from her ex it can be waring. In the end I had to ask that he call every couple of days because there was never any news and it became a chore for the dc as well as me. They had little to say as really they had been to school and not much else since they last spike to him.
It also dictated our evenings because we could be in the middle of something or out or just winding down and he'd call. He was rarely consistent with time either.
I don't talk to my best friends every night never mind an ex I'm on good terms with. If you are going to call every night I think you're best just asking to be passed straight to ds .

Okay then, I am BU :) I just don't get why he wouldn't just speak to me about it, but that's obviously a thread for another day!

Maybe he doesn't know how to say it without upsetting you?

OP, how is your Ex being rude? It appears that he is answering your questions. I'm confused

You're going on about "telephone etiquette" but don't seem to understand it, as you're not doing it. You phone someone up for a reason, if it's to have a chat, then you need to chat - "How's things?" is not a chat, it's a basic conversation starter that society pretty much requires you to only answer with "fine, thanks, you?" or similar so the conversation can get on to the important things. But if you're always interrupting his evening (and a phone call is always an interruption) with nothing to actually talk about it's not surprising however much he still sees you as a friend it would get annoying.

Now phoning for a chat is fine, but those conversations, after the preliminary small talk go, "did you hear about X?", where X is a topic of mutual interest you can discuss, and that's the discussion.

He's probably not "talked to you about it!" as it's a pretty minor irritation in his life, and just not worth talking about.

Call when you have a reason to call, or when you want to talk to DS, otherwise don't!