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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't know if I am or not?

126 replies

Lollypop27 · 17/07/2015 20:14

Firstly please don't think I am entitled because I am really not.

This week loads of money has had to be spent. Our emergency fund has been wiped out. The roof started leaking and needed fixing, washing machine broke and the car completely broke. We had the money to fix it all so That's fine. It has unfortunately wiped out the emergency fund and our holiday spending money.

We are going on holiday to Devon with parents and siblings in a few weeks. The holiday is paid for and its just spending money we need. I have never asked my mum and dad for anything before. They are very comfortable and are always sahing if I need anything to let them know.

They spend a lot on my brother - uni fees, deposit for house, new sofas, holidays etc - he is 38 and single.

Tonight I asked my mum if she could lend me a few hundred pounds for holiday as I have uniforms etc to buy over the summer. I said she would get it back August 31st payday. She said no as they were saving as my brother will probably need a new car before Christmas as his is 5 years old now. I didn't quite know what to say to be honest so just said 'no worries'. I then said that we might not be able to go away as I needed to buy school shoes and uniforms first and see if i had money left over. She went mad at me saying I was going to ruin the summer and I was being selfish by buying school stuff first and that the kids needed a holiday. I said I would speak to dh and call her over the weekend.

So 1 am I being selfish by buying uniforms etc first before o commit to the holiday

2 be utterly fucked off that my 38 year old brother never has to stand on his own two bloody feet.

I have no problem with them not lending me the money, it's their money to spend as they choose but I'm a bit jealous that the one time I ask (and it was not a large amount) they no because they need to spend it on him. I feel like I am 6 again and they are choosing him over me like they always used to.

Sorry for the rant

OP posts:
silveroldie2 · 18/07/2015 12:43

How can you possibly go on holiday with your parents after they have treated you so badly? I would find it very difficult to be civil to them.

Personally I would cancel the holiday and take the children on cheap days out, build them a tent in your garden, etc. I bet they will enjoy it just as much.

Good Luck OP

Sgtmajormummy · 18/07/2015 13:16

The washing machine HAS BEEN mended, if I've understood the OP's first post. She needs to solve her cashflow problem for the holiday/back to school period.
Since the holiday has already been paid for, you would be doing yourself a double disfavour by cancelling it. Try to live with the same costs as you would do at home (self catering, inexpensive day trips, picnic on the beach). That way you're not overspending.
During your (hopefully) relaxed and happy holiday, bring up the subject again with your parents AND siblings. Ask them as adults to adults if

  1. They can finance a few special outings or souvenirs in the holiday with your DC.
  2. They will lend you the money you need for school uniforms in September.

You say your DM has offered help in the past. Remind her of that. She is also a grandmother to your DC. You are only asking for help on their behalf.

If the situation looks like it's going to sour your holiday and spiral into recriminations against your brothers (who have really had a cushy time until now, but you can be proud of your own independence, OP) slap the school uniforms on your credit card. I'm assuming you have one. You'll be able to pay it back on 31st August before interest is charged.

LovelyFriend · 18/07/2015 13:32

LOL at washing machine not being essential.
How entitled I must be to absolutely insist on having one.
Crown
Grin

Yellowbird54321 · 18/07/2015 13:47

"...a washing machine is a necessity is the height of spoilt entitlement"

Blimey totally come bedtime do you sleep on a bed of nails?

Lweji · 18/07/2015 14:48

So, ISIS won't be the first to start WW3. It will be all about washing machines vs holidays. :)

Lweji · 18/07/2015 14:51

I'd go on the holiday, live very frugally and keep mentioning how skint you are.
And I'd keep asking brother if he's OK to spend money as he might need to replace his car and mum and dad have to pay for him.
But I'm pa like that.

fourtothedozen · 18/07/2015 15:03

*Ask them as adults to adults if

  1. They can finance a few special outings or souvenirs in the holiday with your DC.
  2. They will lend you the money you need for school uniforms in September.*

I would never dream of asking my parents for this. I have been on my own feet financially since I was 17.

I think the brother is sponging, but doesn't mean the OP has to too.

OnlyLovers · 18/07/2015 15:09

I'd find it too difficult to go away with them after this. I'd repeat, OP, that you have little money due to a few emergencies and you have to choose things for the kids over a holiday. Ignore your mother 'going mad' at you. Her problem.

rollonthesummer · 18/07/2015 15:28

That's horrid of your mum. Has your brother always been favoured?

I would send a text telling her you have unfortunately been forced to spend your holiday money on your car/roof etc so are unable to come. If she moans, ask her where does she expect you to get the money from if you don't have it? I wouldn't want to go on holiday with someone with whom I had such a toxic relationship with. Does she want you to get in to debt to afford a holiday?

Original poster
Lollypop27 · 18/07/2015 17:48

i have already bought a washing machine, paid for the roof and bought a cheap car.

For those who say a washing machine is not an essential then that is your choice. I have a disabled child who has quite a few accidents so to us a washing machine is an essential.

We have paid for the holiday ourselves - well we are hiring a huge house and the cost has been divided between the adults.

We have worked it out now - I have sold some stuff on local Facebook pages today and have made a few hundred pounds which is enough for spending money on holiday.

The history is I got pregnant at 19, married at 20 and moved a few hundred miles away. I was the 'accident' child and have been made to feel this way all my life. I haven't got a massive career like my brothers. I have had counselling over my childhood already. It seemed to work and all has been well the last 6-7 years. I think it hit me last night how different we are treated and it triggered it all.

I am not strong enough to go NC. I don't know why but I just feel guilty thinking about it. I'm stopping myself ringing her today to apologise for even asking for money last night because I feel so guilty that she might have been cross at me. Yes I am fucked up!!

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 18/07/2015 17:57

You are an adult and in charge of how you are treated. Do not call DM she will call you, at some point. The phone not ringing will be a big hint that you are annoyed. Go some where quiet and say some stuff out loud ... I am not treated fairly ... DB is a high earner and can afford his own car like we do.... etc .... so you can say this with confidence to your mom . It needs saying.

PunkrockerGirl · 18/07/2015 17:57

Sending Flowers OP. YANBU. I don't know what to advise, but ignore the batshit crazy element that's on here and many other posts at the moment Confused

ShadowFire · 18/07/2015 18:09

Don't call your mum to apologise for asking for money. If your mum and dad are always saying if you need anything to let them know, then I can't see how you could be blamed for taking them at their word and asking for a short-term loan.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 18/07/2015 18:12

Lolly ignore the goady twat.

Don't phone her, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologise for.

Do enjoy your holiday with your dh and kids.

Sgtmajormummy · 18/07/2015 18:23

You have the moral high ground here, OP.
It sounds like you give a lot of importance to people who have a low opinion of you. Organising a rental property for 10(?) people is hard work. They should be falling over themselves to show their gratitude, and I don't mean just a "thank you". They aren't doing so. That tells me YADNBU.
Flowers and a medal if I could!
Glad you've found some extra cash, too. That'll show them!

FatSwan · 18/07/2015 18:32

OP, I really feel for you. Your parents acted horribly to you, and I doubt it's a first.

I'm glad that you sorted it out on your own. As unfair as your parents were, better to get what you need and want
yourself rather than owing everything to your parents. more than your brothers can say

Lweji · 18/07/2015 19:33

As you are going with them, will you be expected to go with them to restaurants and attractions?
Is that the spending money you need?
Do you think you could avoid that expenditure and let them go on their own?

McPie · 18/07/2015 22:37

Flowers Do not apologise for doing what she has asked you to do. Go on holiday with them all but do as much as you can in your own little family unit and if she wants to bitch about it you can tell her that you informed her of your financial status before you even went.

HenriettaTurkey · 18/07/2015 23:28

Nothing to add other than I am so sad about this thread and the disparity in the way you are being treated.

Pilgit · 19/07/2015 09:01

Family dynamics are weird. My lovely MIL has a total blind spot for one of DH brothers. He is rude, excluding, dismissive and generally acts superior (doesn't gave DC but he and his wife are forever passing judgement on how we raise our DC). MIL maintains he is kind and lovely. I once pointed out his rudeness and ththe reaction was 'that's just him. He doesn't mean it'. He's never been called on it. The whole family apologises for him. I have taken to calling him on it using the mumsnet staple - "did you mean to be so rude?"

Sorry no useful suggestions. But YANBU!

TinyManticore · 19/07/2015 09:39

The last thing you should do is apologise for asking them to help you out. It's what families are supposed to be able to do. Apologising would be practically giving them permission to continue treating you like the afterthought of the family.

TendonQueen · 19/07/2015 18:38

You don't have to go NC. But I would back off and stop contacting them anywhere near as often. And do not let them say anything again about 'if you need anything, ask us' without pointing out that when you did, they said no. (Or, as I'd put it, 'We both know that's not actually true, don't we?')

SnowBells · 19/07/2015 18:44

She said no as they were saving as my brother will probably need a new car before Christmas as his is 5 years old now.

My brothers are always busy in their £50k+ a year jobs.

Why would they have to chip in to fund the brother's car?!? And the freakin' car is only five years old!!!! My DH and I probably earn the same as your brothers (each of us) and we never had a car younger than five!!!! Current one is approaching 10, I think.

FryOneFatManic · 19/07/2015 19:40

OP, I wonder who your parents will be expecting to look after them in their old age?

Bet it won't be your brothers

GatoradeMeBitch · 19/07/2015 20:16

I think you're right there FryOneFatManic