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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't know if I am or not?

126 replies

Lollypop27 · 17/07/2015 20:14

Firstly please don't think I am entitled because I am really not.

This week loads of money has had to be spent. Our emergency fund has been wiped out. The roof started leaking and needed fixing, washing machine broke and the car completely broke. We had the money to fix it all so That's fine. It has unfortunately wiped out the emergency fund and our holiday spending money.

We are going on holiday to Devon with parents and siblings in a few weeks. The holiday is paid for and its just spending money we need. I have never asked my mum and dad for anything before. They are very comfortable and are always sahing if I need anything to let them know.

They spend a lot on my brother - uni fees, deposit for house, new sofas, holidays etc - he is 38 and single.

Tonight I asked my mum if she could lend me a few hundred pounds for holiday as I have uniforms etc to buy over the summer. I said she would get it back August 31st payday. She said no as they were saving as my brother will probably need a new car before Christmas as his is 5 years old now. I didn't quite know what to say to be honest so just said 'no worries'. I then said that we might not be able to go away as I needed to buy school shoes and uniforms first and see if i had money left over. She went mad at me saying I was going to ruin the summer and I was being selfish by buying school stuff first and that the kids needed a holiday. I said I would speak to dh and call her over the weekend.

So 1 am I being selfish by buying uniforms etc first before o commit to the holiday

2 be utterly fucked off that my 38 year old brother never has to stand on his own two bloody feet.

I have no problem with them not lending me the money, it's their money to spend as they choose but I'm a bit jealous that the one time I ask (and it was not a large amount) they no because they need to spend it on him. I feel like I am 6 again and they are choosing him over me like they always used to.

Sorry for the rant

OP posts:
totallybewildered · 18/07/2015 08:44

we are ony talking about 6 weeks of hand washing, and the op does have a car, and could visit a laundrette in that time once or twice aw well,

OP if you haven't already bought a washing machine, really, you should consider managing without one for 6 weeks. then you would have that money to spend on your holiday.

Maybe you could take the occasional load of washing round to your Mums!? She might be more helpful if she can see you are finding a way around the problem yourself? Depends how far away she lives of course

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 18/07/2015 08:47

Grin yes of course a washing machine is the height of spoilt entitlement and a holiday must come before thatHmm

Total horse shite.

totallybewildered · 18/07/2015 08:48

a family holiday is life enriching for children, a washing machine isn't

ShadowFire · 18/07/2015 08:48

OP taking the washing around to her mum's sounds like a good idea in the circumstances (if her mum lives near enough).

It might make it clearer to her mum that OP can't afford a holiday plus school clothes plus paying for washing machine repairs at the minute.

Nolim · 18/07/2015 08:49

Imo the height of spoilt entittlement is to think that a holiday is more important than being able to do standard housekeeping.

TinyManticore · 18/07/2015 08:49

It's revolting of them to refuse you a short term loan whilst handing over actual gifts of money and cars to your brothers, who can well afford to live independently. It send out such a clear message regarding where you and your family are in their priorities.

Honestly, if my parents treated me like that, I'd find it very difficult to ever speak to them afterwards. Angry On your behalf.

NobodyLivesHere · 18/07/2015 08:50

Totally bewildered about sums up my feelings on your posts totallybewildered Hmm

ArgyMargy · 18/07/2015 08:52

This sounds all terribly childish. If the parents have always been that mean to the OP then why on earth is she going on holiday as a family? Unless parents have paid for the holiday of course. Comparing yourself to others (esp siblings) is always going to end in tears. No right minded person would insist on replacing a 5 year old car before lending a daughter a couple of hundred pounds. I don't think we have anything like the full story so YABU.

wowfudge · 18/07/2015 09:09

I don't think I would want to go on holiday with parents like this after the refusal of a short term loan, spending money issues aside.

Oh and totallybewildered have you actually hand washed a family's laundry for a week? How do you wash towels and get the excess water out of them? What about bedding? The vast majority of people will use their washing machine spin cycle when they do hand wash anything anyway. How do you suggest the laundry gets spun without one?

A holiday is a treat, not a right. The OP's kids will benefit from a sensible upbringing a lot more than from a holiday with their miserable grand parents who have treated their mother so poorly.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 18/07/2015 09:17

Well we went without a washing machine for a few months and it was a nightmare. Handwashed clothes were never as clean as a washing machine would have done, and even though there's a launderette a short walk away, the amount it costs far outweighed paying for a new machine.

I didn't have children at the time and found it a pain. Having kids (who go through more clothing in summer anyway), plus bedding, perhaps 'accidents', something that needs to be washed asap, all these things equal more cost and fuss than it's worth. If you can get a washing machine, it is worth having one - yes over a blooming holiday, there's always next year, or a half term break if things look up.

Of course, the real issue here is the op being treated differently from her brothers. That does hurt, even as an adult. You need to be firm with your mum and say - 'that's OK if you want to help him with a new car. We'll manage, we always have. However, in our case, that means cutting out things we can't afford, unfortunately that means the holiday. Not saying it as a form of passive aggressiveness, we dont expect your help, we just asked in case you could. Cutting non-essentials out is just how it works when living within our means. We'll restart the savings fund, and rethink for next year'.

totallybewildered · 18/07/2015 09:21

Oh and totallybewildered have you actually hand washed a family's laundry for a week?

for over a year, and more than once.

Its a personal choice. if you value a washing machine over a holiday, choose that, but don't complain you can't have both!

Personally I have always prioritised family time and experiences together. That is my choice. I would, and have prioritised that over getting a washing machine a few months earlier, but both are luxuries, and we can't have all the luxuries we want all the time.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 18/07/2015 09:28

Totally - A washing machine is a luxury as much as having a cooker, or a bath/shower. Yes, we can live without them, but it makes life far more difficult than it needs to be, all in the name of enjoying your family in a different part of the country, or in a sunnier one? I haven't had a holiday in over 11 years, you know what - doesn't mean family time doesn't get 'prioritised'. Just means that I think what we need in the long term, rather than what we can enjoy for a few days.

Apatite1 · 18/07/2015 10:15

A washing machine is a luxury but a holiday is an essential? Are you out of your mind??

Glad to see no one else agrees with you!

4EverScottish · 18/07/2015 10:20

YANBU to put the uniform and school shoes before the holiday as they are essentials not a luxury.
It does seem like there is unequal treatment of you and your brother and I'd be fed up with that, though I don't know the full story.
As for the holiday, who paid? If your parents have paid for it and now you are saying that you can't go then YABU, or at least coming across as ungrateful.

ShadowFire · 18/07/2015 10:35

Doesn't having a washing machine free up time that can then be spent with the family?

(I'm assuming that hand washing takes a lot longer than throwing clothes in a washing machine?)

totallybewildered · 18/07/2015 10:55

A washing machine is a luxury but a holiday is an essential?

No, they are both luxuries, but in my opinion one will enhance your children's childhood, and one won't. My choice would definitely have been the holiday over the washing machine,

particularly as we are only talking about delaying buying a washing machine for 6 weeks!

wowfudge · 18/07/2015 11:03

Well I find your choice bizarre totally.

Apart from anything else, hand washing done properly is very time consuming. Sticking the laundry in the machine frees me up for family time.

totallybewildered · 18/07/2015 11:08

well, it is an individual choice, but both are luxuries, and it is normal life to have to choose between luxuries, rather than have them all.

Nolim · 18/07/2015 11:13

well, it is an individual choice, but both are luxuries, and it is normal life to have to choose between luxuries, rather than have them all.

It is an individual choice in the sense that you are the only individual who chooses to prioritize holidays over clean clothes totallybewildered.

LavenderLeigh · 18/07/2015 11:17

I have never encountered anyone who considers going away somewhere for a couple of weeks to be either essential or life enhancing. If the important thing is being with your children, then you can do that at home, using the time saved from not having to wash laundry by hand.
It's irrelevant what people in other parts of the world do.
A holiday is just a nice thing to have. Nobody could rationally think it is essential, because loads of people don't have holidays and manage to survive perfectly well.
A washing machine is considered essential by most people, hence the decline in numbers of laundrettes and the closure of public wash-houses (yes, I am old enough to remember them!)

OP, your DM plays favourites. Don't ask her for help again, but feel free to make choking noises next time she makes her self serving declarations about always being there to help her family out. Let some distance develop between you, because her personality is going to make you miserable. Hard as it is to accept, you cannot rely on her unconditional help.

wowfudge · 18/07/2015 11:17

And while we're at it - I'd replace the dishwasher before I'd pay for a holiday. I can have a holiday without going away. A break from work is enough. I'd rather not spend my valuable time doing crappy jobs that household appliances can do better and more efficiently.

wtffgs · 18/07/2015 11:29

I think TotallyB is utterly bonkers perhaps spoiling for a fight. I would ignore, ignore, ignore!

Sorry your parents aren't being more supportive, OP Brew

BorderWrangler · 18/07/2015 11:35

Having just wrung out my sheets and hung them up outside (and praying it won't rain as I'll never get them dried inside) I'd take a washing machine over a holiday any day of the week. One with a great spin cycle. My buggered wrists probably dream of mechanical spin cycles.

Anyway OP YNBU. Your parents seem to have a bit of an odd blind spot when it comes to treating their kids equally (and an inability to prioritse- A gift of a new car, for a high earner? Now that really is a luxury!).

cashewnutty · 18/07/2015 11:45

This thread epitomises all that is complete bonkers about Mumsnet. I know no-one who would prioritise a holiday over a washing machine.

I know many millions of people don't have machines - but if they could have one they would. I don't think people drag heavy washing to a river and spend hours in the blazing sun and drape to over rocks to dry just for fun. They do it because the are mind numbingly poor.

I don't fancy reverting to the days of copper wash pots and a mangle and i guess OP doesn't fancy this much either.

butterfly133 · 18/07/2015 12:05

OP, do come back and let us know how you are, just ignore the batshit insane element of the thread.

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