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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't know if I am or not?

126 replies

Lollypop27 · 17/07/2015 20:14

Firstly please don't think I am entitled because I am really not.

This week loads of money has had to be spent. Our emergency fund has been wiped out. The roof started leaking and needed fixing, washing machine broke and the car completely broke. We had the money to fix it all so That's fine. It has unfortunately wiped out the emergency fund and our holiday spending money.

We are going on holiday to Devon with parents and siblings in a few weeks. The holiday is paid for and its just spending money we need. I have never asked my mum and dad for anything before. They are very comfortable and are always sahing if I need anything to let them know.

They spend a lot on my brother - uni fees, deposit for house, new sofas, holidays etc - he is 38 and single.

Tonight I asked my mum if she could lend me a few hundred pounds for holiday as I have uniforms etc to buy over the summer. I said she would get it back August 31st payday. She said no as they were saving as my brother will probably need a new car before Christmas as his is 5 years old now. I didn't quite know what to say to be honest so just said 'no worries'. I then said that we might not be able to go away as I needed to buy school shoes and uniforms first and see if i had money left over. She went mad at me saying I was going to ruin the summer and I was being selfish by buying school stuff first and that the kids needed a holiday. I said I would speak to dh and call her over the weekend.

So 1 am I being selfish by buying uniforms etc first before o commit to the holiday

2 be utterly fucked off that my 38 year old brother never has to stand on his own two bloody feet.

I have no problem with them not lending me the money, it's their money to spend as they choose but I'm a bit jealous that the one time I ask (and it was not a large amount) they no because they need to spend it on him. I feel like I am 6 again and they are choosing him over me like they always used to.

Sorry for the rant

OP posts:
crustsaway · 17/07/2015 20:30

She might not have a credit card. I was just saying another route there MrsGosling so keep your hair on!

DownAtFraggleRock · 17/07/2015 20:31

That is seriously unfair of your parents Shock

MrsGoslingWannabe · 17/07/2015 20:35

Oh Lollypop I know that feeling. All of my 3 older brothers have been helped financially and here I am still renting after 9 years. Same with uni - they went, I didn't & had a baby at 24.

I try not to think about it much, makes me too angry.

MrsGoslingWannabe · 17/07/2015 20:38

Sorry Crust, wasn't annoyed with you Grin

Original poster
Lollypop27 · 17/07/2015 20:40

Thanks mrsgoslingwannabe Flowers for you

OP posts:
Corygal · 17/07/2015 20:45

Flowers How grim - that's so unfair.

I would calm down about this, and then, once cool-headed, I would call your parents and Say Something.

Stand up for yourself and the kids - they need to hear that you need a one-off dose of help - again - and that you were initially shocked and hurt at how unfair they seemed (calmly). Repeat as nec. Keep it nice - you'll get the upper hand. More to the point, tricky people respond to flattery better than anything else - sometimes people need help to behave well.

Put some perspective into this situation - they don't have any at the moment. Explain it's for essentials, but keep dignified - don't let them humiliate you by demanding a full list of your outgoings etc, or anything like that.

Don't be rude about your brother (although it must be bloody tempting) or to them (difficult not to be).

If you stay calm, it will be much easier to resolve the situation, or failing that, to keep them dangling while you sail off to decide if you want to go on hol with them or not.

TendonQueen · 17/07/2015 20:51

That's rubbish of them. I would talk to your mum again and focus on the fact that they are always offering help but now, the first time you've ever asked, they've radically said no. Say it puts all those offers in a different light now, one that is them wanting to sound generous and kind but not actually willing to be those things. The stuff about your brother's car is easily discounted - ask if they'd rather see their grandkids lose their holiday than for your 50K earning brother to have to put his own hand in his pocket to upgrade his car.

If they still refuse, I would say 'Right, that's your choice, but it tells me very clearly what and who is important to you. Let me tell you, I will be making ALL the decisions about how I use my time and attention in the future with that in mind. I'm going now'.

Lweji · 17/07/2015 20:53

So, they will need the money later in the year to give it to your brother and can't lend some to you even though you'll repay next month?

They must be very dumb or very heartless.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 17/07/2015 20:56

I dont understand ... if they are saving for a car, then lending you some and you paying it back by christmas wont actually make any difference to DM or DB will it? ... You need to calm down, or write a letter and explain how unfair they are treating you. Shoes/uniform is necessary and expensive.

Nolim · 17/07/2015 20:57

Agree with lweji

AlpacaPicnic · 17/07/2015 21:04

Yanbu. Not in the slightest. And fwiw, my parents would always prioritise essentials, like uniform for school, over treats, like holidays.

Children won't shrivel up and die if they don't get a holiday but school could be unpleasant for them if their uniform isn't correct (depending on how strict your schools are obv)

Hassled · 17/07/2015 21:08

Have you ever called them on it? Had the "you're being incredibly unfair on me" conversation? For your sake, is it a conversation worth having?

And the rant is completely justified - I'm outraged too, and I don't even know you.

Charley50 · 17/07/2015 21:12

Yadnbu. But don't cut off your nose to spite your face - find the spending money somehow.

sebsmummy1 · 17/07/2015 21:16

I'm afraid I couldn't keep my mouth shut, you are a better person than me. The one time my Mum tried to do something regarding my sister that was really going to hurt my feelings I blurted out just how unfair it was and that she was favouring my Dsis over me and she saw my point and apologised profusely.

Personally I wind by be going on the holiday at all and would probably be giving them the silent treatment for a very long time eternity

Original poster
Lollypop27 · 17/07/2015 22:26

i will find the money. I have been sorting bits out to put on Facebook selling sites tonight. Hopefully that will give us some spends. I'm a bit of a stockpiled so I will try not to buy anything but fresh stuff for the next few weeks and save it from the shopping bill.

Thanks for the advice. In all honesty I'm not strong enough to have the conversation with them. Mum will accuse me of just trying to cause a row. The children adore them and I don't think I'm strong enough to go NC. I feel guilty just thinking about it. Why am I the one feeling bloody guilty?!?

OP posts:
Epilepsyhelp · 17/07/2015 22:31

You don't have to go NC but I certainly wouldn't share holidays again.

I would tell her 'you know what, it's not about the money, I don't even want that now, but you clearly favour my brothers and that really hurts'

Set out facts, what they have given to brothers etc so she can't deny it. Just so you can feel you have said it and it is out there.

whois · 17/07/2015 22:33

Really really really unfair and probably representative of so many issues in the mother daughter mother son relationship. Very uosetting to be told so clearly that you are not as important as your brother.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 17/07/2015 22:33

YNBU. This us really unfair. If you are giving her the money back what is the problem.
As others have said. I would speak to your mother and tell her how unfair it is

bored1602 · 17/07/2015 22:33

This situation sucks and it sounds like your DM was horribly unfair, and it sounds like this is how its always been. Although if I were you I'd feel smug, your brother is 38 and still can't look after himself? Clearly this attitude has done him no favours. I'd much rather struggle by receiving nothing from my parents than grow into a 38 year old child.

(I'm sure this is of little consolation to you though - I'm sorry you're considering giving up your holiday)

ShadowFire · 17/07/2015 23:43

YANBU. It sounds like they are treating you very unfairly compared to your brother.

LovelyFriend · 17/07/2015 23:50

Seriously he might need a car as his is 5 years old? What planet are they on?

Your parents have been cold and cruel to you.

I'm sure you couldn't imagine treating your own dc so differently.

I hope you sort it out and can go on your holiday. But I wouldn't be planning any future holidays with people who treated me so callously

Creatureofthenight · 17/07/2015 23:51

I don't think YABU if she's offered help before.
Can you talk to your dad about it? Not 'asking dad because mum said no', but would he be able to appreciate how you feel your brothers are treated differently, and to explain it to her?

LovelyFriend · 17/07/2015 23:54

Ask your mum what she actually means by "if you need anything let me know"!

butterfly133 · 18/07/2015 00:05

YANBU

Unfortunately, I have a bad feeling about this. You say you didn't go to uni etc. it sounds like you made choices your folks don't approve of so I am wondering if their insane reasons for refusing a short term loan are actually their way of expressing disapproval and a "you made your bed" thing? Or do they have a weird idea of sons being better?

I am sorry for this, I'd take it personally and reduce contact to be honest. This is so mean of them.

And of course you should sort uniforms first, that's common sense! Hope you find a solution.

SavoyCabbage · 18/07/2015 00:17

My PIL treated my dh, his brother and his sister like this. His sister has always been treated completely differently her whole life.

She's in her thirties now, doesn't work, lives with PIL who send her on holiday every year and pay for everything. Meanwhile we are called on to pay their mortgage.

Last year after MIL accused my dh of slighting his sibling, we have stopped speaking to her entirely. She has constantly tried to manipulate us and cause drama.

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