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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't know if I am or not?

126 replies

Lollypop27 · 17/07/2015 20:14

Firstly please don't think I am entitled because I am really not.

This week loads of money has had to be spent. Our emergency fund has been wiped out. The roof started leaking and needed fixing, washing machine broke and the car completely broke. We had the money to fix it all so That's fine. It has unfortunately wiped out the emergency fund and our holiday spending money.

We are going on holiday to Devon with parents and siblings in a few weeks. The holiday is paid for and its just spending money we need. I have never asked my mum and dad for anything before. They are very comfortable and are always sahing if I need anything to let them know.

They spend a lot on my brother - uni fees, deposit for house, new sofas, holidays etc - he is 38 and single.

Tonight I asked my mum if she could lend me a few hundred pounds for holiday as I have uniforms etc to buy over the summer. I said she would get it back August 31st payday. She said no as they were saving as my brother will probably need a new car before Christmas as his is 5 years old now. I didn't quite know what to say to be honest so just said 'no worries'. I then said that we might not be able to go away as I needed to buy school shoes and uniforms first and see if i had money left over. She went mad at me saying I was going to ruin the summer and I was being selfish by buying school stuff first and that the kids needed a holiday. I said I would speak to dh and call her over the weekend.

So 1 am I being selfish by buying uniforms etc first before o commit to the holiday

2 be utterly fucked off that my 38 year old brother never has to stand on his own two bloody feet.

I have no problem with them not lending me the money, it's their money to spend as they choose but I'm a bit jealous that the one time I ask (and it was not a large amount) they no because they need to spend it on him. I feel like I am 6 again and they are choosing him over me like they always used to.

Sorry for the rant

OP posts:
Lashalicious · 18/07/2015 00:20

So unfair of your parents! They are favoring your brothers over you. I wouldn't go on vacation with them either, I agree with the other comments. There's nothing wrong in asking your mother for help in this instance, her response was awful.

SorchaN · 18/07/2015 06:03

That's awful! It's not like you've been profligate - you have good reasons for being short of cash this month. I can't imagine my parents refusing a request for a loan over a few weeks. Mind you, my parents have always been scrupulous about treating their children equally.

Interesting that you think your mother will accuse you of trying to start a row when she's the one being totally unreasonable - you're only asking for a loan, and you've offered to pay it back months before your brother wants to replace his car. And what's that about anyway? My car will be 16 years old next month (I'm thinking of throwing a party). It works fine. If your brother wants to replace a five year-old car, can't he do it from his 50k salary?

I'm fuming on your behalf! (And also, in your shoes, I'd be considering reducing contact, simply because I'd need to set boundaries with anyone who would refuse to have a calm and rational conversation about fair treatment).

Fallout4 · 18/07/2015 07:23

Uniforms = essential
Holiday = luxury
Bin the holiday off and remind your mother that she does actually have 2 children and they should be treated equally.
If my siblings get help from my mum the others get a treat and my mum is living off her tiny pension so it's even more difficult for her but yes we all get treated the same.

totallybewildered · 18/07/2015 07:27

personally, I would never have put a washing machine ahead of my children's family holiday, ( or a car, come to that) but you chose to do that, so you made your choice there and then really.

You can't have your cake and eat it.

tobysmum77 · 18/07/2015 07:28

What sort of 38 year old man earning 50k would let his parents buy him a car? Confused

Nolim · 18/07/2015 07:34

Bewildered an appliance such as a washer is a necesity. Or do you expect a family to go without clean clothes until september? Confused

Flisspaps · 18/07/2015 07:35

totally my family put an annual holiday ahead of stuff like a functioning washing machine when I was a kid and it was shit. Two weeks in Spain, then back to hiding the fact that your mum washed everyone's clothes in the bath from your mates for the rest of the year.

OP has been very sensible.

Rivercam · 18/07/2015 07:39

I'm sorry you have had a run of back luck financially and have had to use all of your emergency money.

If you are getting paid in August, I know it's tight but can you get the uniforms at the end of the holiday?

Washer machines are fairly essential I would say. Not every area has launderettes.

BrianButterfield · 18/07/2015 07:46

I'd say washing machines and uniforms are more I oortant than holidays, no doubt. A holiday is what you have when everything else is sorted so it's the right decision.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 18/07/2015 07:48

totally
My nearest laundrette is in our local town, 10 miles away. 20 mins in the car or an hour on the bus (which id have to get if I didn't pay to fix my car).
How do you suggest people wash their clothes? They might go back to school chatting excitedly about their holiday, but in dirty clothes!

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 18/07/2015 07:49

However I'm talking as someone who hasn't had a holiday since our honeymoon 3 years ago as we're saving for a house deposit. Oh and in that time have had to buy a new washing machine and fix our car (needed to get to work!)

AlpacaPicnic · 18/07/2015 07:49

I had a total of two family holidays my entire life. Two separate weeks in Butlins. But we always had clean clothes, hot water, healthy food with occasional treats and a roof over our head.

Helped me grow up into a person who is not in a huge amount of debt and considers a holiday a treat to be saved up for, not a necessity to get into debt for.

fourtothedozen · 18/07/2015 07:55

This is about so much more than the washing machine or school uniform or a leaky roof.

It is an outburst of the outrage that the OP feels towards her parents favouring her sibling.

The fact that she feels the lesser child. I get the impression that this has been simmering for a while.

In life we just have to get on with things sometimes. The OP's parent's may indeed favour her brother for a whole host of reasons. That is their choice.
Instead of feeling hard done by the OP has to let this go. She is a grown women now with a family of her own, needing validation and the desire to be treated equally in her parent's eyes is kid's stuff.
When we grow up these things don't matter so much. Let this couple have their favourite son. It doesn't impact on the OP unless she allows it to.

I also think all this stuff laid on to the grandparents about the school uniform is way over the top.

This situation has been ongoing for some time. My only question is why did the OP book a holiday with her parents when she is feeling so much resentment towards them.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 18/07/2015 08:03

If that's your question four, why don't you ask the OP directly?

Dontloookbackinanger · 18/07/2015 08:04

*personally, I would never have put a washing machine ahead of my children's family holiday, ( or a car, come to that) but you chose to do that, so you made your choice there and then really.

You can't have your cake and eat it.*

^
Is this a joke?

YANBU OP, can you ditch the holiday and have days out from home instead? I would find it stressful going on holiday with DPs who had so little regard for me and my family. Flowers for you.

fourtothedozen · 18/07/2015 08:06

My nearest launderette is 14 miles away.

Tutteredboast · 18/07/2015 08:13

I get that the family relationship bit is just awful, but if it's a UK holiday, do you even need much spending money?
Is the place self catering?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 18/07/2015 08:16

totally what a ridiculous statement!

A washing machine is a necessity, there's no argument to be had.

OP, I can't offer any further advice but your treatment from your parents has been shocking, I'd find it very difficult to forget this.

totallybewildered · 18/07/2015 08:28

A washing machine is a necessity, there's no argument to be had.

What utter crap, most people in the world don't have washing machines! We have lived without quite easily.

The attitude that a washing machine is a necessity is is the height of spoilt entitlement.

It is only for a few weeks anyway, the OP says they would have been able to pay the money back at the end of August.

Why not hand wash until the end of august? spend the washing machine money on your holiday? use the end of august money to buy a washing machine?

Although it sounds like you have already spent the money, but like I said, that was your choice, and now you have no one to blame for the consequences.

ShadowFire · 18/07/2015 08:38

I'd put a working washing machine over a holiday any day. I think that my DC having clean clothes is important. Holidays away are nice, but they're a luxury, not an essential.

I've just googled, and my nearest laundrette is about 15 miles away, so there's not really a practical alternative to a washing machine for us to wash clothes.

totallybewildered · 18/07/2015 08:41

That is entirely your decision Shadowfire, if avoiding hand washing for 6 weeks is that important to you, then absolutely fine. It wouldn't be for me. But it is a choice between one luxury or another luxury, and to me, the value of a family holiday for the children would trump a bit of inconvenience in housekeeping.

But then I have lived long term without a washing machine in the past, with young children. Keep in mind that most people in the world don't have one, and survive!! I think people maybe don't realise how easy it is to live without one, and are frightened of the idea.

Nolim · 18/07/2015 08:41

What utter crap, most people in the world don't have washing machines!

They dont go on holidays either.

Nolim · 18/07/2015 08:43

And yes i have survived without a washing machine in the past and no it is not an "inconvenience in housekeeping"

fourtothedozen · 18/07/2015 08:43

What utter crap, most people in the world don't have washing machines! We have lived without quite easily.

Not quite easily. Have you ever tried to handwash and dry sheets?

Even when we had no washing machines in this country we had ways to help us wash and dry- copper boilers, scrubbing boards large tubs, hand powered wringers, pullies on the ceiling and a kitchen with a cooking range which provided a lot of heat to dry clothes.
My grandmother had no washing machine - ever, but she had other equipment to help her wash clothes. I am guessing the OP doesn't.

Before that people didn't really wash clothes much. I don't think suggesting that a washing machine is the "height of spoilt entitlement"

ShadowFire · 18/07/2015 08:44

The attitude that a washing machine is a necessity is the height of spoilt entitlement

I know people could get by on hand washing for a while if they had to. But I find the notion that a holiday is more essential for a family than a washing machine somewhat baffling.