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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare for SAHM

109 replies

Lezprechaun · 14/07/2015 17:04

I am a full time uni student (vocational course so full time placement hours) and my partner is a SAHM.

The elder children are in full time school and at present we pay for the youngest (3 years) to attend nursery part time so that my partner has time to catch up on household chores, visit friends etc.

This has worked fine for the last 12 months and we can afford these fees however we are now saving up for a mortgage deposit and so I've suggested that we reduce nursery hours to the 15 free hours and stop paying more so the money can be used to benefit the whole family instead by getting our own house sooner.

Partner thinks I an unreasonable and would like to continue the nursery hours as they are.

What does everyone else think? AIBU to think while childcare for a SAHM is a nice privilege it shouldn't take priority if money is needed elsewhere?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lezprechaun · 14/07/2015 19:33

I don't understand your question sorry Steff. We have 3 children together. Eldest two are mine from a previous relationship and 1 is our child together. Partner is a SAHM to all 3.

OP posts:
Dontunderstand01 · 14/07/2015 19:39

op you are definitely not BU. 15 hours a week to yourself would be absolute bliss. Between work, baby, and life I get approximately fuck all. Your partner is having a laugh imo.

ijustwannadance · 14/07/2015 19:40

I am with yummum on the lumping hours together too, in DD nursery the free hours can be 8.30-3.30 twice a week to allow parents with other school age kids time to drop off/pick up. This might be a good compromise as she would still get similar me time then would only have to cope in hols like everyone else. Also £200 seems a lot for nursery. DD goes two days a week 8.30-6. After free hours taken off it only costs us £115 per month and that covers school hol time as we still need her to go due to work.

Spartans · 14/07/2015 19:52

I am so confused. You said you were not dad. Everyone has assumed you are not the dad of any of them.

You also said they go to their dads, again an assumption all 3 have gone to their dad's.

The oldest 2 are yours and they go to their own dads, your ex?

She may be supportive of you doing better, but she is not willing to do anything to improve your financial situation. She doesn't want things to change, however it's kind of tough. Your child will be in school soon enough at which point she will be expected to get a job as well.

Biscuitsneeded · 14/07/2015 19:53

Can I just ask how you split the domestic tasks? Does her SAH status mean she does 100% of the domestic tasks for 5 people (even if 2 of those 5 aren't there all the time)? If you don't do much, maybe your DP would be more amenable to you dropping the nursery hours if you could take on more of the chores. It's unreasonable of her to want to spend a significant part of your income on nursery hours you don't really need, but at the same time being a SAH parent can be very monotonous and full of drudgery, so can you help to create times when your partner can see a friend or do something other than domestic chores? I'm sure you work very hard and probably don't have much me time either, but at least when you work you have contact with the outside world, other adults etc.

MaggieJoyBlunt · 14/07/2015 19:54

Spartan OP is a woman and so is her DP, as was quite obvious all along AND she has already clarified Hmm

Spartans · 14/07/2015 20:01

Lower you eyebrows maggie

I know op is a woman. I didn't proof read my post.

The op said 'I am not dad' and then 'the kids go to their dads' so I assumed the op meant she was the step parent of all the children.

I know I typed 'people assumed you are not dad of any of them' , I actually meant 'people assumed you are not the children's parent' as in she is a step parent and all three go to their dads.

Original poster
Lezprechaun · 14/07/2015 20:02

Sorry steffi. We are a same sex couple, I am mum not dad hence me saying that. The eldest have a dad elsewhere that they see. The youngest was a donor pregnanxy and so is ours. All make sense?

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 14/07/2015 20:07

So she's only a step parent to the oldest two?

That reflects less badly on her then tbf. I'd wrongly assumed they were all hers, and she was trying to avoid all of them.

You keep referring to the children as "ours". Just wondering if it's possible she doesn't see it in quite the same way.

rollonthesummer · 14/07/2015 20:12

You keep referring to the children as "ours". Just wondering if it's possible she doesn't see it in quite the same way.

Yes, that's a possibility.

Brandysnapper · 14/07/2015 20:14

Yes looking after step children four days a week (and more during many years of holiday) may not feel like what she "signed up for" when she had her own baby. Even if you are really close to them.

ijustwannadance · 14/07/2015 20:15

So if up until last year you were both home full time and older 2 aren't hers (so no experience of taking care of kids alone til then) I can see how it would of been quite difficult for her especially with a SN child and you working odd hours. If you need the money to live on then no to extra hours. If it is just to save up then why not just carry on until youngest is in school than she gets a part time job to help add extra income.

littlejohnnydory · 14/07/2015 20:18

She is being very unreasonable. Stay at home parents usually want to look after their own children. Using the free hours is fair enough but sending them more than 15 hours - that's not being a stay at home parent, that's just staying at home.

RedDaisyRed · 14/07/2015 20:18

I suspect you all might be happier if she worked full time to be honest and the family would have more money too.

MrsAmaretto · 14/07/2015 20:19

YANBU. In real life I've never met anyone who has a child in daycare so they can have "me time", nobody I know can afford that

Original poster
Lezprechaun · 14/07/2015 20:35

The children are OURS. We have been together 8 years and she has been in the older children's lives most of their life. She would defend till blue in the face they are her children also and it's no issue with not wanting to sign up for it etc. she WANTS to be the SAHM!

The first year it was difficult and although she had raised the children for 7 years at that point it was with me hence the nursery started in the first place. Now she's much more experienced at doing it.

OP posts:
Sometimesjustonesecond · 14/07/2015 20:40

Hmm, I don't know. She might feel that the course is something that matters to you more than her, she has taken on extra family responsibility to support you doing said course and she values those 2 days of nursery. You asking her to give those up to again facilitate something that you want, might feel like she is doing all the sacrificing for dreams that aren't hers. If having a house means that much to her she would already have thought about giving up the extra nursery time in order to save the cash.

I might be reading it all wrong though. Without knowing her it's hard to say.

cantbelieveimonhere · 15/07/2015 01:50

Just found this thread, is it ok to ask what happened?

steff13 · 15/07/2015 02:38

Ok, I was thinking she was the bio mother of all three, then you mentioned your son, so I was thinking there was a fourth child in the mix.

jellyjiggles · 15/07/2015 02:50

Currently a sahm to 2 kids and I would kill for just a few hours a week of 'me time'! She wants to visit friends and get jobs done without the child 'helping'?! Don't we all!

As it stands I'm lucky if I get a few hours a month. My dh works a lot of hours.

She needs a reality check! If she wants 'me time' she should get s job. Honestly working is so much easier than small children but that would require effort.

Sorry op but your partner is lazy and needs a reality check.

christinarossetti · 15/07/2015 07:34

Do you work weekends as well as evenings?

How much additional care and support does the child with aurism and ADHD require?

How you divvy up housework and chores?

STATUSQUO63 · 15/07/2015 07:59

On the face of it 15 hours childcare/early years education is a dream. I sah with a 2 year old and I can't wait till he starts nursery. Basically I do it all during the week. Dh is too tired to even take his mug into the kitchen at times. He does work extremely hard eith a long commute though. We also have 2 school aged dc too including one who has some additional needs although he has yet to be diagnosed. So I do get it is tough. Agree alot depends on how hands on you are when home with dc. Can you do more to help and than she can forgoe the extra day at nursery.
childcare is so expensive. I just wanted tl sent my 2 year old for one session and it is £14 per week.

LavenderLeigh · 15/07/2015 08:03

How much "me" time do you get, OP?
Your partner is BVU. If she wants more child are she mess to get a job to pay for it

saturnvista · 15/07/2015 08:13

It's impossible to know who is being unreasonable without knowing exactly why your partner feels that she wants/needs this time 'off'. You have only said it's so she can catch up with cleaning and see friends but I'm doubtful that she would say the same. Also, the issue may be different priorities rather than your partner wanting more time off for the sake of it; if I have time off I'm a much better mum and this has a knock-on effect for the whole family. I might well feel that this was more important, given the huge stress your family will be under, than saving to buy a property. But then I subscribe to the European view that owning property is an odd thing to sacrifice everything else for.

You also should not be trying to save from benefits that are designed to support the family - DLA should be spent on providing care for your son, not saving for a mortgage! If for some reason your partner feels it's vital that she has this break in order to continue doing the caring, then nursery is a valid way to spend it IMO.

I hate these threads because they don't actually help the couple having the conversation at all. My partner started one a few years ago and then triumphantly showed me that fifty strangers thought I was being unreasonable (they'd been given half the facts). It did not help us reach an agreement...

DrCoconut · 15/07/2015 08:43

"Me time" is a luxury that many working people don't get. Surely it's easier to get time to do what you want if you don't work as you can get chores etc done during the day rather than rush round after work then collapse into bed ready for the next day? SN put a big demand on parents/carers I agree but demanding paid childcare to allow visiting friends etc more often is BU if money is tight.

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