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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Childcare for SAHM

109 replies

Lezprechaun · 14/07/2015 17:04

I am a full time uni student (vocational course so full time placement hours) and my partner is a SAHM.

The elder children are in full time school and at present we pay for the youngest (3 years) to attend nursery part time so that my partner has time to catch up on household chores, visit friends etc.

This has worked fine for the last 12 months and we can afford these fees however we are now saving up for a mortgage deposit and so I've suggested that we reduce nursery hours to the 15 free hours and stop paying more so the money can be used to benefit the whole family instead by getting our own house sooner.

Partner thinks I an unreasonable and would like to continue the nursery hours as they are.

What does everyone else think? AIBU to think while childcare for a SAHM is a nice privilege it shouldn't take priority if money is needed elsewhere?

OP posts:

SummerHouse · 14/07/2015 17:54

God lord. I practically weep for the 3 hours I get for my 3 yr old term time only. But I would not pay for them. Yanbu

Iggi999 · 14/07/2015 17:55

If you were 9-5 and she had two days without dcs that seems excessive, but if she is on duty into the evenings a lot then it doesn't. Why wouldn't three hours a day be better than two full days?

FoulsomeAndMaggotwise · 14/07/2015 17:59

YANBU however, I don't think I fully understand the situation. You're not employed but you work evenings? How do you afford to live and pay the extra childcare if neither of you are working full time?

Sirzy · 14/07/2015 18:01

I would guess he is doing nurse training it something similar hence the evenings?

rollonthesummer · 14/07/2015 18:04

Presumably though-if you have evening shifts-you then don't work 9-5 days those days as well? Or is she looking after the children all day and all night every day?

Either way-I knew plenty of friends who were SAHM whose husbands commuted to London to work and were out of the house 6am-8pm with some evening working and who didn't use paid childcare. If you can't afford it, it's not a necessity.

rollonthesummer · 14/07/2015 18:05

I would guess he is doing nurse training it something similar hence the evenings?

I would guess it's a she, not that it's particularly relevant.

chocnomorechoc · 14/07/2015 18:06

so non of you is earning, you have 3DC, you are saving for a mortgage and 15h of free childcare is not enough.

Is there something I missed??

NinkyNonkers · 14/07/2015 18:10

I would guess at paid training, like nursing for example
So full time hours and pay=

SaucyJack · 14/07/2015 18:11

Could you not move your youngest to a playgroup/school nursery that's set up to offer the free sessions every morning?

YANBU tho. Sounds like your DP wants to be a lady wot lunches tbh.

Theycallmemellowjello · 14/07/2015 18:12

I actually think yabu. She is having to do childcare day and night - not unreasonable for her to want more than 15 hrs a week relief. Also I agree with the point that the op is not earning money (though she's presumably working so she can have a larger income in the future) and therefore has a bit of a cheek demanding that her partner work longer hours. I reckon that you should continue paying for daycare and put off the mortgage a bit longer. In any case, is using loans to save for a mortgage really the best plan?

Original poster

Lezprechaun · 14/07/2015 18:12

Few clarifications. My partner has been a SAHM way before my returnig to uni. We were both long term unemployed and on benefits. I have returned to uni to make a career and future for our children and get off benefits etc.

We are both female, I'm not dad.

The elder children go their dads 3 days a week so one of the days she is child free hence the benefit of continung it in the holidays.

The nursery is currently 8-6 although usually picked up by 5. If we went to free hours only it wouldn't be 1 day a week it would 3 hours a day, 5 days a week as they have set sessions at the nursery. They also are able to do this and keep her at same nursery, no changing needed.

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/07/2015 18:16

In those circumstances I'd definitely go for 5 mornings a week 3 hours per day. What is your DP's reasoning for not wanting to?

Sirzy · 14/07/2015 18:17

So 2 of the children she has only just over half of the time and yet she still needs the extra childcare? Complete madness then!

Original poster

Lezprechaun · 14/07/2015 18:17

And yes similar to nurse training. Total 37.5 hours a week plus studying time so work mixed shifts, not days AND nights at the same time.

An NHS bursery is paid for this which is like a wage but a training one so around £1k a month. Nursery at nearly £200 a month is a large chunk of this.

OP posts:

Spartans · 14/07/2015 18:18

So currently the youngest is at nursery 2 days per week and their dads 3 days? So your dp only has the child 2 full days.

I think she is being entirely unreasonable. There is plenty of time on the 3 days they are at their dads to do house work and have some me time.

This set up is fine if you are both happy with it and can afford it. But you obviously are not.

chocbacktochoc · 14/07/2015 18:19

I am working as are most of my friends. neither of us is getting any free time at all. 15h free time each week - jesus! I also have a partner who does shifts and no family around so I get the extra pressure that comes with it.

plus the DC are with the dad for some time. so there is actually more 'me time'

for me work became 'me time' - no other me time otherwise. If your DP is graving more childfree time, then maybe looking for employment might be the way forward?

you sound very entitled.

SaucyJack · 14/07/2015 18:19

They're at their dad's three days a week as well?

Is she depressed, or does she just need a poke up the arse with the responsibility stick?

NinkyNonkers · 14/07/2015 18:20

That is bonkers. Yanbu.

rollonthesummer · 14/07/2015 18:20

An NHS bursery is paid for this which is like a wage but a training one so around £1k a month. Nursery at nearly £200 a month is a large chunk of this.

When you see it like that-it's very unreasonable. 15 hours childcare is all many children get.

WipsGlitter · 14/07/2015 18:21

Is your partner in a position to get a job?

It sounds like there's an imbalance in expectations.

Original poster

Lezprechaun · 14/07/2015 18:21

To clarify also. 3 children in total. Eldest are 13 and 11. Spend 4 days a week with is and attend full time school. One has special needs and requires some extra care due to this.

Youngest is 3 and here full time. Current nursery hours are 2 days 8-5 and I want to switch to 9-12 for 5 days to avoid paying the extra fees. This would be term time only though and not all year round at current.

I still attend work / placement during half terms etc. so would be a more difficult day for partner with all 3 of them but then this happens some days regardless.

Hope that's clarified all childcare situations people are asking about.

OP posts:

NinkyNonkers · 14/07/2015 18:22

How does the OP sound entitled?

rollonthesummer · 14/07/2015 18:25

you sound very entitled.

I hope you mean the OP's partner!

Original poster

Lezprechaun · 14/07/2015 18:26

I WAS entitled, we both spent many years scaping by on income support. Now I'm off income based benefits and am training to make a better future for my children and working damn hard in order to achieve this!

OP posts:

chocbacktochoc · 14/07/2015 18:27

rather her DP I should say.

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