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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare for SAHM

109 replies

Lezprechaun · 14/07/2015 17:04

I am a full time uni student (vocational course so full time placement hours) and my partner is a SAHM.

The elder children are in full time school and at present we pay for the youngest (3 years) to attend nursery part time so that my partner has time to catch up on household chores, visit friends etc.

This has worked fine for the last 12 months and we can afford these fees however we are now saving up for a mortgage deposit and so I've suggested that we reduce nursery hours to the 15 free hours and stop paying more so the money can be used to benefit the whole family instead by getting our own house sooner.

Partner thinks I an unreasonable and would like to continue the nursery hours as they are.

What does everyone else think? AIBU to think while childcare for a SAHM is a nice privilege it shouldn't take priority if money is needed elsewhere?

OP posts:
MaggieJoyBlunt · 14/07/2015 18:32

On the face of it, she's BU OP.

Are you sure she's not depressed? Are the older child's SN more demanding than 'some extra care' makes them sound?

Spartans · 14/07/2015 18:32

shock horror! She will have to look after own kids on the holidays!

That's what parents do. Many with kids who have special needs. Sorry but you can't afford the luxury of a private nursery so will have to stick with the 15.

I do it 7 days a week in the holidays. She only has to do it 4 of them.

I am assuming she will be ok having the youngest in the holidays when they are full time because she will then get 5 days a week 'me time'

It actually sounds like you are changing and she is happy to still sit back and let someone else pick up the slack. Except now it will be you, not the state. When you are qualified

NerrSnerr · 14/07/2015 18:37

Yes, it is hard work looking after 3 children but that's what you sign up for. It's what parents do. If she wants to pay for childcare she can get a job to pay for it.

rollonthesummer · 14/07/2015 18:39

It actually sounds like you are changing and she is happy to still sit back and let someone else pick up the slack. Except now it will be you, not the state. When you are qualified*

Does this ring true, op?

cosytoaster · 14/07/2015 18:39

YANBU - you have a lazy partner!

FloraPost · 14/07/2015 18:41

'Me time' for her is a luxury with a young family and no way worth 20% of your income. It doesn't sound line you get much me time, OP. DP and I both work and have 2 DC under 5. We get no me time, but that won't be forever and it's part of the deal we willingly undertook. It won't be healthy for your relationship in the long term if the two of you don't shoulder the burdens and the perks equitably.

Sallystyle · 14/07/2015 18:45

FFS YANBU

She is being pathetic. She had the children and seems like she barely wants to see them. Unless she is depressed then she needs to except that she can't have it all.

Sallystyle · 14/07/2015 18:45

accept*

EatDessertFirst · 14/07/2015 18:46

Is it even possible to save for a mortgage on benefits? How is that right? I'm confused.

You should drop to the free 15 hours and your DP should get a job if she wants more childcare. How many chores and visits does she do where she requires a £200 nursery place? Surely you just work around the kids and shifts? Thats what we do and we both work shifts all year round.

morethanpotatoprints · 14/07/2015 18:49

I think the free 15 hours pre school education is probably enough for a sahm tbh.
The whole point is being with your children, surely?
Would she feel better working during this time and maybe upping the childcare then.
I do agree with others it does sound like a charmed life atm which is great but nobody will give you a mortgage without some serious income.

Anon4Now2015 · 14/07/2015 18:50

It would probably be cheaper to get a cleaner than to keep the paid nursery place. Though I don't think either is necessary and you can't afford it.

MaggieJoyBlunt · 14/07/2015 18:52

Is it even possible to save for a mortgage on benefits? How is that right? I'm confused.

Oh come on Eat. OP is working hard to provide for her family and improve their future, Their main income is an NHS bursary (not benefits), which, as she rightly says, is essentially a training wage.

The 'problem' here is her DP's apparent difficulties and/or disinclination to pull her weight (which it is remains to be seen).

EatDessertFirst · 14/07/2015 18:57

Apologies, I'll rephrase. How can you save for a mortgage on an NHS bursary of £1k a month (according to the OP)? Assuming there is also living expenses plus the extravagent nursery place? As PP said you need some serious income and a massive deposit to buy a house nowadays.

I was in no way diminshing her trying to do the best for her family. Just questioning the finances.

MaggieJoyBlunt · 14/07/2015 19:00

I think I remember OP from back when she was choosing a course and looking at the finances. I have a notion that she's oop north, and therefore could be somewhere comparatively affordable? Then again I could be confusing her with someone else.

drudgetrudy · 14/07/2015 19:03

Your partner is being unreasonable.

ijustwannadance · 14/07/2015 19:07

Needing 'me' time is all very well but if you choose to have children then it is a luxury not a right. I was actually on her side until you said ex had older ones 3 times a week! Cannot believe she thinks it is ok for you to waste £200 a month on extra, pointless childcare when you are working so hard for it. She is just lazy. Curious to know if she is going to find work next year when youngest starts full time school. Will probably just want another baby so she won't have to.

ouryve · 14/07/2015 19:07

Your partner needs to learn just how far money can stretch and how to prioritise spending before you ever buy a house together.

DrinkGirlsFeck · 14/07/2015 19:11

I pay a nanny / housekeeper for 16 hours per week. In that time she looks after two school aged children, tidies, irons uniform, changes children's beds and takes them to after school activities (cubs etc). If she had an extra 15 hours with no childcare to do, just to tidy the house it'd be a show home! She's brilliant.

Assuming you don't live in a 15 bed mansion and your dp doesn't have other issues, YANBU.

With 15 hours childcare split over 5 days she still has time to go for a coffee/to the gym (I do think it's important to have some me time) and keep a house reasonably together.

Looseleaf · 14/07/2015 19:11

I agree v unreasonable when your finances are stretched. I speak as a sahm with 3 year old at home full time so not 1 free hour here. DS helps with the cleaning and you just learn to do stuff together even if it takes longer!

Original poster
Lezprechaun · 14/07/2015 19:16

SN child has autism and adhd and can need some pretty extensive care yes, he is in school full time however and the current nursery hours are when SN child isn't home so not due to difficulties coping with both.

Saying my partner can't be bothered with her children and dosnt want to see them is harsh! Yes we disagree on this issue but you are thinking the 3 year old goes to her dad, she dosnt. So partner has 3 year old 5 days a week and older two 4 days a week (not same days and so other than the 2 nursery days she has at least one child every day).

Also no i don't feel this is an issue with me moving on and her not, she is very supportive of me on this course and has taken on a lot more as a result of this, which is why the nursery days started (to help her adjust to doing virtually all childcare). It's been over a year now however.

Partner dosnt see why things need to change really and sees it as fine as that's what we have been doing for the last year but now that she is more accustomed to her SAHM role its an extravagance we cant really afford.

Also I did not save for a mortgage on benefits, that would be impossible! I have been doing this course for a year and get my student bursery, CTC, CB and DLA for my son. We are saving from this, SMALL amounts but it's a start and gets us closer to the long term goal.

Maggie is also correct I am North and in cheap social housing with low outgoings which helps. After years on income suport I learnt to live on very little!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lezprechaun · 14/07/2015 19:16

Anyway thank you all for your views and will have a chat with partner tonight x

OP posts:
yummumto3girls · 14/07/2015 19:17

She is BU, £200 out of £1000 is rediculous on childcare that is not needed. It's a complete luxury that you can't afford. Bring a SAHM is just that, lovely if you can afford some time to yourself but most don't have this luxury. I always preferred to lump my free hours together, it would drive me bonkers going backwards and forwards every day, I prefer having complete days so that I can take the kids out somewhere on non nursery days. I suggest you look for childcare that offers more flexibility.

MaggieJoyBlunt · 14/07/2015 19:27

FWIW OP, I don't think saving while training is bonkers.

I just calculated that CHB for 3 DC is £2501 (and tuppence) per year. If you were able to save all of that for three years, it would give you a 5% deposit on a £150,000 home.

Which could work, depending on your area, particularly if you used Homebuy.

MaggieJoyBlunt · 14/07/2015 19:29

Of course, you'd need two wages to secure the mortgage....

steff13 · 14/07/2015 19:31

Where is your child while you're at school, OP, does your partner watch him, too, or is he grown?

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